I have a little brother (and by "little" I
only mean "years spent on planet". Much to my dismay, my "little" brother is actually
taller than I am. Therefore, in a physical sense, I am now his
older "little" sister. Alas).
In my family, everyone has a nickname. Even the dog. It is just a thing we all do. I am "Deals" (or "Deal"), my sister is "The Runt" (or "Pee-Wee") and my brother is...well...
..."THE TURD".
Calling my brother THE TURD is not an insult, by the way. It is actually a term of endearment.
Let me explain:
A long time ago, my brother adopted a box turtle. He was a Boy Scout and had to take care of an animal for an extended amount of time in order to earn whatever-badge.
Now, my brother has never been very good at
naming things. He adopted a turtle. The word, "Turd" was sort of short for "turtle". Plus, my brother liked to say "Turd" a lot, and this gave him a reason to do so.
So, much to my mother's dismay, the turtle was permanently dubbed "Turd-the-Turtle".
One of my brother's favorite activities with Turd-the-Turtle was watching cartoons on TV (no, I am
not kidding). My brother would hold the turtle - with both hands - slightly above his lap (so the turtle could
see better, apparently). Both the turtle and my brother wore identical glazed-over expressions on their faces - their eyes were fixated on the television set with their mouths slightly ajar. My brother would hold the turtle like that for hours, never budging an inch until their "favorite shows" were over.
This happened
daily for the greater part of a decade (long past the acquisition of the Boy Scout Badge, mind you), until one fateful morning when my mother announced that, "Turd-the-Turtle had runaway to Turtle Creek during the night". This was, of course, her motherly way of saying that Turd-the-Turtle had finally kicked-the-bucket. My brother, however, has always been a little...uh...
slower (more gullible?) than most when it comes to picking up subtle hints and/or sarcasm (keep this fact in mind - it is important to the rest of the story). Therefore, for years we would all pile in the car and drive to Turtle Creek to "visit" my brother's "runaway" turtle, Turd. Every time he would see a turtle poke its head out of the water, my brother would announce that, "Oh, look! Turd is saying, 'Hi'".
Kind of makes you sad, doesn't it?
Anyway, moving along...it was my father (not me) who started calling my brother "The Turd". This was obviously in honor of my brother's long-lost turtle friend (but I'd be lying if said that we all didn't get bizarre pleasure in calling him "Turd" and getting away with it).
My brother (a.k.a. THE TURD) has never lost his oh-so gullible nature. Thus, when a buddy of his told him that they (and I quote), "Only make
Coca-Cola Classic during the Christmas Holiday once a year", my brother accepted the statement as
absolute truth.
Now, for those of you old enough to remember, you might recall that Coca-Cola - in an effort to make a soft drink that could better rival Pepsi - introduced "NEW COKE" in late April of 1985. The Coca-Cola company really
thought that the new beverage would take off, so imagine their surprise when the public at large rejected it.
To keep from going under, Coca-Cola
reintroduced "old coke" - now more commonly known as
Coca-Cola Classic - on July 11th, less than three months after they introduced "new coke" (gee, I guess they got
that memo, huh?).
But don't take my word for it (my brother doesn't). Instead, check it out for yourselves on
Coca-Cola's website.
Despite the
overwhelming evidence, THE TURD still believes that
Coca-Cola Classic is only made (and bottled) around Christmas time. Thus, every Christmas, I have to listen to him talk about, "How good it is to have a REAL Coke", and, "How he wishes that they made
Classic Coke all year-round".
He has even gone so far as to tell me the differences in
taste between (what he calls) "regular Coke" and "
Classic Coke" (the latter is obviously the one that he thinks is
only made at Christmas).
Now, it IS true that Coka-Cola (thanks to their marketing campaigns of the past) essentially created the modern image of
Santa Claus. But this has absolutely nothing to do with the
taste of Coca-Cola (seeing as though we are only talking about a picture of a jolly, old, fat man on an aluminum can).
Anyway, if I didn't
know that he was serious than I would probably
think that he was only doing it to irritate me (which it does).
So, now you have some background on my little brother, THE TURD. He'll pop up randomly on my BLOG for sure (seeing as though he is my little brother, and little brothers are notorious for irritating their older - and wiser - siblings).
Therefore, consider yourselves introduced...
