Things I learned last night at the P!nk concert:
- Pink (the color, not the band) wristbands are needed in order to access the floor. Yes, this is in addition to your ticket. No one will tell you that you need one until after you show your ticket to four various ticket checkers on your way to the floor. But, rest assured, accessing the floor without one will prove impossible. As will finding a place to obtain a pink wrist band once you realize you need one, and start frantically looking. Pink wrist band stations will only exist on the opposite side of the stadium and will be peopled by unhappy employees wielding stanchions.
- There will be cruel rumors that both Queen Latifah and Jeff Foxworthy will be making surprise visits during the concert. Even though nothing about these rumors makes any sense, when they don’t pan out it will still be disappointing somehow.
- Overhearing the conversations of strangers can be amusing. Especially, when the conversation is about purchasing concert t-shirts that don’t look like concert t-shirts.
- They do not sell wax earplugs at the AAC. Napkins don’t make great replacements. Especially, if you spit on them before sticking them in your ears.
- The Ting Tings (P!nk’s opening act) are not three Asian girls in Catholic school girl uniforms singing That’s Not My Name. Not sure why I thought that they were, but that is the mental image that my brain came up with when I heard their songs. Instead, The Ting Tings are made up of a blonde, British woman wearing purple sequins over a black and gray cat suit and a drummer with a beat box.
- P!nk must either wax or laser her bikini line. I’ve never seen pants so low in the front. It was awesome. That woman is a ball of muscle.
- Giant, inflatable evil clowns aren’t nearly as terrifying when surrounded by gay men and someone with B.O.
- People bond when forced to stand arm to arm. Just try and force your way any closer to the stage!
“I’m sorry. I’ve been here since 6:30 and I don’t recognize you. If - and it is a big “if” - your friend is really standing over there, you will have to go around the long way. Next time either find a good landmark BEFORE you leave the packed crowd mid concert, or get here early enough to get a good standing place. And, no. I do NOT feel like I should let you and your four friends stand in front of me just because I am taller. There is no rule giving short people dibs to the front of the line. Again, get here earlier next time or wear taller shoes. Don’t go hatin’ on the tall people just because we are standing in front of you at a general admission free for all. We paid for our tickets just like you AND have been standing here for hours…unlike you. Yeah, that’s right. Walk away. Walk away now.” - Women can look like Conan O'Brien.
- Five year olds like P!nk.
- Some parents think that P!nk is an appropriate artist to take their five year old to see in concert.
- There will be at least one random, older couple on the floor. They will look uncomfortable and awkward for the entire show. Everyone around them will be forced to wonder how and why they came to see P!nk. Did they win their tickets on the radio? Did they really buy tickets to Barry Manilo but got P!nk ones by mistake? Was it a cruel joke? Seriously, why are you here? And, more importantly, why do you stay?
- Heaven forbid there be more than one t-shirt stand in a stadium built to hold 20,000 people.
- Despite what you were told, cameras ARE allowed.
The End
