Two year old dental update...

Dentist:  "So, do you brush your son's teeth regularly?"

Me:  "I…we…um, yes.  I swear.  We brush them every night.  Promise."

Dentist:  "I can tell.  No plaque at all.  Not even at the back."


[WHEW!!]


The bad news?  Banner is getting his two year old molars.

The good news?  Two have already broken through.  And once they are all in, that's the end of the whole teeth saga until the Tooth Fairy arrives on the scene in four or five years.

Because he is all boy or something...

Banner has (unfortunately) learned that if he drinks a lot of water really, really, really fast, he can burp loud and proud.  Which is HYSTERICAL when you are two.  Actually, scratch that.  It is hysterical if you are a male, because Trevor is all "that's my boy" and I'm all like "Dear God, STOP!  You are going to make yourself puke!"

In related news, tooting is the holy grail of funny noises Banner has discovered he can do (almost) on command.  If he strains really hard and turns purple.  Extra points for generating bubbles in the bath tub. 

Judging by how awesome Trevor finds flatulence at 37, I'm assuming this is going to get a lot worse as time marches forward.

Apparently, he is trying to escape...

Banner got in "trouble" at school last week for picking a hole in the dry wall at day care. 

(Note:  Not so much trouble.  More like "and look what your kid did today".)

I'm pretty sure he was just trying to escape to the playground since his teachers have had to Banner-proof the classroom's door to the outside.  The kid likes his freedom.  And, much to everyone's dismay, has a knack for defeating all efforts at containing him. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

At least he had a good time once he got there...

Things you don't want to hear from your toddler when you arrive at church:

"Oh, no!"

A different kind of iPhone dump...

So, sometimes I make use of the Notes app on my iPhone, and record little things that have happened so I don't forget. Except, I also forget that I made a note until I go to make another note, and half the time I can't remember what the previous note even meant. So, yeah, this is an example of a system that could really use a new system. Ideally, one that helped me remember what I had already made a point of remembering before I forgot.

I know. This is a personal problem.

Anyway, many of my notes are so vague that I don't even know what they mean any more. Like the one from July 8th of last year about "Vagina Tornados". WTF is that?

Or the note from last May that referenced a nap that Trevor had stolen from me.

How, exactly, does someone steal a nap from someone else?

(Although, if anyone could, it would be Trevor.)

I'm pretty sure Siri is using autocorrect to screw with me again.

Except both of these things *almost* sound familiar. Like when some says something and you think you dreamed about it once, but aren't entirely sure? Yeah, sort of like that, but I don't think sleep was involved at all. Except in the sense that I've slept since I wrote "Vagina Tornados" down in the Note app on my phone. Which is another way of saying that I'm pretty sure my brain resets itself overnight.

Anyway, the following is basically an iPhone dump of notes that I can actually remember and elaborate on. Don't worry. They are almost exclusively about Banner. Not vaginas. Or tornados for that matter.

***

Back in November, Banner started using the word "pretty" out of nowhere. His teachers thought he overheard it in class because Ebony and Natasha had a habit of complimenting the girls in the class if they sat still long enough for them to fix their hair.

Anyway, all of a sudden Banner started using "pretty" to describe individuals.

Trevor: "Banner, who do you think is pretty?"

Banner: "Emma pretty."

Trevor: "Is mommy pretty?"

Banner: "Alley pretty."

Thanks, kid.

***

Speaking of Emma, Natasha asked Banner back in December if Emma was Banner's girlfriend. He said yes, paused and then added Abby, too. But he holds hands with Austin (girl). It is very complicated. I'm so sad that these four aren't in the same room together any more! They've been together since they were tiny, little babies! When he ran into Austin in the hallway a couple of weeks ago, they gave each other the BIGGEST hug, and then walked hand in hand. So sweet.

***

Banner is not a big fan of diaper changes. Or putting lotion on after a bath. And he makes his discontent known by yelling, "NO TOUCH, MOMMY", at the TOP.OF.HIS.LUNGS.

10 points if he yells this in a public restroom.

***

Please note sock on hand.  MJ style.

The kid is super opinionated when it comes to socks. Sometimes he wears multiple pairs of socks at once. My favorite is when he wears two pairs on one foot, one on the other and the remaining sock on his hand.

***

We bought Banner a potty chair awhile back, and he LOVES to sit on the thing. But that is about it. You have to be careful, though, because every now and again he decides that Elmo needs to go potty, and I fear it is only a matter of time before Elmo ends up in the potty bowl.

***

Banner on counting: "5, 4, chicken, 9..."

***

When you hold up a tissue to Banner's nose and ask him to blow, he just says the word "blow".

In related news, he now says "bless you" when someone sneezes. It is the cutest. Even better? When HE sneezes, he says, "Bless you, Banner." He also covers his mouth with he sneezes and coughs.

***

Speaking of talking, we are officially in the some-words-sound-like-other-words phase. Don't know what I mean? Let's just say, my child isn't swearing. He just likes "trucks" and "shirts". Last night, he really, really, REALLY wanted to read the book about trucks. Except it sounded like he wanted to...oh, use your imagination. Trevor was dying laughing.

***

Why is my child crying? Because he asked for water, and I gave him water. But then he didn't want the water and started to scream "no, wa-wa!". So, I took it away, which made him really wail "WA-WA"! He wants it but he doesn't want it. It is very confusing. I can't win. Same goes for that sticker with Mickey Mouse on it.

Toddlers can be real irrational a$$hats sometimes.

***

They taught Banner "my turn" at day care. Which is fine, except now he always thinks it his turn for no reason other than he said "my turn".

***

Secretly, I think Banner misses Coco. For no other reason except Coco was an easy scapegoat. Last week, Banner pushed one of his friends at school. I tried to talk to him about the incident, and Banner immediately said, "Coco push! Nanner no push!" And I was all like, "Dude. Coco isn't even in your class anymore, but nice try!"

***

Banner still runs into Room 7 every afternoon, and tries to steal their crackers.

***

He is OBSESSED with trains, airplanes, trucks, water fountains and flashlights.

***

There is nothing more fascinating to Banner than watching Trevor shave. So, the Ban-Man commandeered my Clarisonic, and "shaves" his face with it every morning. Just like daddy.

***

We've been bad about going to church recently. It all started with several cases of Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease in the church nursery back in November. Toss in the ice storm, colds, a couple of trips to the ranch, a race or two and the holidays, and...well, we've only been a couple of times since Thanksgiving. And by a couple, I'm pretty sure I really only mean "once". I know, terrible.

Anyway, it doesn't help that Banner HATES the church nursery. I mean, he is fine if I stay with him, but he screams bloody murder if I try and leave him. And, believe me, I've simply left him before in the hopes he'd get over it in a few minutes. NOT.THE.CASE. And the nursery staff is always very quick to call/text when the kid starts to turn purple. I can't remember the last time I made it through an entire service.

Luckily, if his friend Payton is there, I can usually sneak away (especially if they go outside to play for a bit). If Banner is having fun, he doesn't notice I'm missing. But even this tactic wasn't working on the last Sunday in January. After multiple failed attempts, Banner and I ended up cutting our losses and joining Trevor in the main sanctuary just in time for communion. The good news, however, was that he was completely fascinated by the choir and organ (he said, "Whoooooa" when he first heard it). He even toddled up to the alter and took communion with mommy and daddy when it was our turn (he got a blessing because I was worried he'd unceremoniously spit out the wafer). Cutest thing ever. Almost made all the waterworks and hysterics all morning worth it.

***

Banner randomly calls Trevor and I by our names. Trevor thought it was funny when he first heard Banner do it to me, but found it unnerving when the tide shifted and Banner was suddenly screaming, "Trev-VOR" in Lampasas on the way to Eve's Café.

***

Yesterday, while driving home, a police car stopped next to us at traffic light:


Me: "Look, Banner! A policeman! Say 'hi' to the policeman!"

Banner: "Hi!"

Me: "The police keep us safe, Banner. They drive police cars. Can you say 'thank you' for keeping us safe?"

Banner: "Tank tu!"


About this time, the light turned green. The policeman was going straight and we were turning left.


Me: "Say 'bye-bye' to the policeman, Banner."

Banner: "Buh-bye, poe-poe!"


I almost cried I was laughing so hard. We spent the next ten minutes working on the proper pronunciation of "police".

***

How you know you drink too much coffee: When your kid "makes" you coffee in a tea pot and "pours" you multiple cups of "mama coffee".

***

When something goes wrong, it cracks me up that Banner says on of the following phrases:

1.  "Oh, no!  What happen?"
2.  "Awe, Man!"
3.  "Uh oh!" (one of his first words/phrases, but never gets old)


Sassy pants.

HAPPY WEEKEND, Y'ALL!!

Who is ready for some photo overload?

Y'all.  My kid?  Is a COMPLETE ham.

We had portraits made of Banner the Saturday after his second birthday.  This sitting was actually supposed to happen last year when he turned one, but then The Plague of 2013 hit our household and we had to postpone.  We thought about trying for 18 month pictures instead, but just never got around to it.  And, well, suddenly I had a two year old.

I don't know if Banner was just making up for lost time (and pictures), but he brought his A-Game.  The photographer said two year olds are often difficult subjects, but Banner was nothing but cooperative and smiley.  Banner even overheard the photographer talking about picking a couple of his favorite toys, and ran back and grabbed Mickey, Elmo, Pooh Bear and some of his most loved books.  It was adorable and also made choosing images to print VERY difficult.  Because, OMG.  THE CUTENESS!

 

 

We also took advantage of the opportunity to FINALLY get portraits done together as a family.  I have no idea why this took two years to accomplish, but better late than never, right?

(Also, I feel a little like a fraud because my hair is down in the pictures.  That never happens.  Seriously.  It is like I don't recognize myself.)

And, well, Grammy Pammy (a.k.a. "Jeep") was babysitting that night because we were going to a party (hence the blow dried hair and attempt at makeup).  She arrived just in time to get a the world's most adorable picture with her grandson:

Evidence that my toddler actually listens to me. Sort of.

This morning, I awoke to Banner yelling, "MAMA!  TRASH!"

A quick check of the baby monitor revealed a very, very naked toddler standing in his crib holding his diaper.

I immediately dashed into the nursery, where Banner handed me said diaper and announced, "Trash, mommy.  Di-pa, trash.  No potty."

Sound familiar? 

Now if I can only get through to him about the whole randomly stripping in his crib thing.  Because, OMG.  Why?! 

Not to mention, HOW.  Backwards sleeps sacks, duct tape...Houdini has nothing on this kid.

A case of the Mondays...

I cherish my Mondays with Mommy.  I really do.  But there is a reason why I am more exhausted on Monday night than any other day of the week, and his name is Banner.

(Seriously.  How do you stay at home mommies do it?  I am in awe!)

This morning, Banner woke up at 7 AM.  Which, all things considered, isn't that bad.  Mainly because it wasn't 6 or 5:30.  But Trevor had just left for work, and the wind was howling (it went from 76 yesterday to FREEZING in a matter of hours overnight).  I wanted nothing more than to drift back to sleep for another 15-30 minutes.

"Momma!  Up!  GET UP, MOMMA!"  UPPPPPPPPPP!"

Back in October, Banner started calling for mommy and daddy when he wanted us to come get him in the morning.  Then, in November, he had a polite streak and would ask, "Momma?  Daddy?  Wheer ah oooo?" over and over and over again.  Apparently, that wasn't effective enough (truth:  it was pretty easy to ignore), because now home boy has turned all mini drill sergeant on my a$$. 

"Momma!  Get up, Momma!"  NOW!  MOMMA, UP!  MOM-MEEEEEEE!"

He even stomps his foot in his crib as he says it, and wags his finger in the direction of my bed in the other room...LIKE HE CAN SEE ME TRYING TO IGNORE HIM.  I know this because half the time I'm in denial about the situation and find myself pleading with his image on the baby monitor (Please!  Pleeeeeeease go back to sleep!  Just five more minutes!) from underneath the covers.

But the best is when you walk into his room.  You open the door, and Banner immediately says, "HAH-LOW" (hello) in the cheeriest of voices.  He might as well be saying "I win", because that is what he really means.  But you can't be mad at him, because - most of the time - he is just so effing happy to see you.  

So now that we were officially up, the Ban Man and I went through our usual Monday morning routine:  I scrambled an egg and cut up an apple for his breakfast.  Gave him some milk.  As usual, he wanted to try what I was eating (pomegranate seeds mixed with blueberries).  I reminded him that he didn't like pomegranate seeds the last time he tried them, but he didn't believe me (he never does).  And, of course, just like last time, he spat them unceremoniously back into my bowl.  I ate them any way, because I am of the mind that it is a sin to waste a perfectly good pomegranate seed.  Plus, I'd probably starve if I refused to eat anything that hadn't already been in Banner's mouth.

(Note:  I draw the line when food lands on the floor.  Usually.)

(But only because the dogs are ON IT.)

Banner watched about fifteen minutes of Toy Story III, while I drank my coffee.  Then we played until 9:15, when I started the process of getting ready to leave for 10:15 swim class.  My goal is to be out of the door by 10 AM, but the process of leaving takes at least 45 minutes these days.  Mostly because Banner likes to dress and undress himself over and over again, and be needlessly opinionated about which clothes he will or will not wear.  I was getting nowhere fast until I asked if he wanted to go see Ms. Debbie, his swim instructor.  This really seemed to excite him, and he ran back to his room.  

I used the moment to rinse the left over milk out his sippy cup.  

(Mistake Number I)

By the time I made it back to Banner's room (less than thirty seconds later), he was completely naked, chanting, "Debbie, Debbie, Debbie" and attempting to flush his diaper down the potty.  And by "attempting" I mean the diaper was IN the bowl, and he was actively trying to get the toilet to flush.  Luckily, my appearance on the scene startled Banner and he only partially depressed the lever.  Otherwise this story would have been a lot worse, involved an overflowing toilet and we probably would have missed swim class.

Regardless of the nearly averted crisis, I found myself just staring at Banner for a moment, blinking.  I remember thinking, how did we get naked AND in here so quickly?  Seriously?  How?  He just had clothes on.  With buttons and zippers.  It should have taken closer to 2-3 minutes for him to achieve this level of nudity.  Mind: BLOWN.

I gathered Banner up, redressed and re-diapered him while explaining to him that diapers don't go in the potty.  Diapers go in the trash.  And like a good little parrot, Banner kept repeating back to me, "Diaper, trash.  No potty.  Diaper no potty.  Trash, trash, trash."

Then, I put him down, and went back to the kitchen to grab a plastic bag to fish the diaper out of the potty.

(Mistake Number II)

I returned ten seconds later to discover NO diaper in the toilet.  Only a watery trail on the hardwoods that lead me to my son in the other room, soggy diaper in hand, chanting, "Diaper!  Trash!"  To be fair, he was trying to put said diaper in the diaper bin, but still.  OMG.  AND WHY WAS THERE SO MUCH WATER EVERYWHERE?

Also, there should be a special word for "water" when it has come out of the toilet bowl.  Just saying.  Because I can deal with water.  Toilet water, however, makes me a little twitchy.

Needless to say, we were late for swim class.  And it wasn't even 10 AM, yet.

It isn't easy being green...

So, this happened today:

That, my friends, is what happens when a toddler gets ahold of a green, permanent marker.

And turns himself into Kermit.

(Trevor says The Hulk.)

It all happened in less than two minutes.  He ran into the study.  Neither Trevor nor I thought anything about it until we realized it had gotten unusually quiet.

Quiet is a very bad thing with a two year old in the house.

Correction:  Quiet is a very bad thing when you have a two year old in the house who isn't sleeping.  Otherwise quiet is FABULOUS.

The good news is that Banner only decided to decorate himself.  The bad news is that we had swim class less than 45 minutes later.

At least the green marker went with his new turtle swim diaper.

Also?  Other parents?  Yeah, they found it hysterical.

Two year old wellness visit...

So, the Ban Man had his two year old wellness last Monday.  Our appointment was at 3:30, but we waited in the waiting room for over an hour because the pediatrician's office was trying to work all these sick kiddos in between the well visits.

And then we waited some more after we finally go into an exam room.  Now, I honestly don't mind waiting because I understand that the world doesn't revolve around me or my son, and there are a lot of sick people right now.  That said, waiting with a two year old for over two hours is a challenge.  All the more, too, because I didn't pack enough snacks or any games because I was an idiot and thought we'd be in and out in an hour.  Poor, stupid me. 

Seriously.  I'm a moron.  I've apparently learned nothing in two years.

Luckily, despite my insistence that he not show up (because I stubbornly thought, "I've got this"), Trevor was there for the whole shebang.  And?  THANK GOD because there simply are not enough hands when it comes to extremely bored, hungry and irrational toddlers.  Especially when their mothers are dumba$$es.

As for the actual visit, Banner did fine.  No shots this go round.  Only a toe prick for a blood test.  Of course, we braced for the toe prick like we brace for shots or the apocalypse.  Everyone in the room thought there would be screaming and tears, but we were all wrong.  Banner just said, "Ouch!" and then...STARTED LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.  Because, obviously?  I dunno.  The kid is weird.

As for his stats, he weighed in at 30.2 pounds (75%), measured 37.25 inches (97%) and had a head circumference of 49.3 (70%).  He has gained less than two pounds since JULY, but grown nearly three inches.  At this rate, we will be able to ride the BIG rides at Disneyland sooner than later. 

It is just funny because I assumed he'd be the small fish in his new classroom, and he is age-wise.  As far as height goes, however, Banner already towers over some of his classmates - even the ones closer to three.  He is simply tall.  I don't know why this surprises me since I was 5'5 in the 5th grade (I leveled off at 5'10), and Trevor is well over 6 feet.  I guess since my sister is 5 feet tall, I thought anything was possible. 

Which reminds me that I found Trevor's baby book the other day, and I want to make some sort of chart comparing Trevor and his own personal mini me in the first two years of their lives.  Knowing me this will happen after I remember to blog about all the other things I already forgot to write about.  (Sigh)

In other news, Banner contracted some sort of nasty, nasty cold last week (from the pediatrician's waiting room, no doubt).  He never seemed to feel bad, though.  Just hoarse and snotty.  But the cold coupled with the transition to his new classroom made for an extra-special loooooong, exhausting week.  I know I'm not the first mother to claim that she wakes up with ever sniffle and cough her kiddo makes in the other room, but I swear I do - especially when I know going into it that Banner isn't 100%.  And I would be lying if I said I didn't resent Trevor a little bit for snoring so peacefully beside me at 3 AM while Banner has (yet) another coughing fit down the hall. 

I guess, part of me is thankful that I'm sensitive to the needs of my baby (even while unconscious), and the other part is like "Woo-Hoo!  Weekend!" on Thursday afternoon because I'm so incredibly exhausted that I assumed (in error, of course) it must be Friday.  And there is nothing quite as disappointing as realizing it isn't Friday than when you really, really, REALLY need it to be Friday. 

The good news is that he is feeling much better this week, which is awesome since snot ranks way up there on the list of things that people always said wouldn't bother me when I had my own kids, along with poop and vomit.  However, I'm here to assure you I'm still very bothered by all three.  Not really sure what that says about my maternal instinct, but it is what it is.  Good thing I think the kid is so cute.

TWO? When did that happen?! Oh, right. Saturday.

Y'all.  My baby?  IS TWO.  I'm in complete denial about the entire situation. 

I know, I know.  Everyone said it would go fast, and it is starting to sink in that I'm going to blink and Banner will be going off to college.  But none of that is making the whole "time flying" situation any better, much less acceptable. 

Because...OMG, my baaaaaaaaby!

The thing is, the days feel like an eternity sometimes.  Our trip to Wyoming was only five months ago, but it feels like much longer.  And, yet, Banner's debut into the world seems like yesterday.  It is hard to wrap my mind around.  But there he is...driving around in circles the backyard in a battery operated Hummer sassing everyone in earshot.
 

Bossy pants.
 

But back to the party. 

We went with a FINDING NEMO theme this year, because Banner has been obsessed with the little, orange clown fish since the beginning of December.  Really, ice storm Cleon deserves all the credit, because Banner had never watched TV for more than seven minutes before being stuck inside with his parents for three days straight.  Part of me hates that he will happily zone out to a select few shows on the boob tube, and the other part of me loves the fact that I can now use the bathroom without an audience every now and again.

Trevor went all out on decorations, and Nemo was everywhere.  We set up while Banner was taking his birthday nap, and it was so much fun to see his eyes light up when he walked in to living room to see his favorite fish hanging out with all of his favorite people.  The kid was in heaven.

All in all, about thirty people showed up for the festivities.  Banner was a great host, and gave free rides in his ka-ka to anyone who was interested.  His only request was that Auntie Amy periodically give him a sip of her La Croix every now and again.

Drinking and driving.

We had requested no presents, but some people couldn't resist.  Banner didn't mind.  Especially when one of the parcels contained a drum set:

Mrs. Clemmer complained that it wasn't as loud as she hoped.
Did I wrong her somehow?!?!

But the best was the cake.  Trevor's coworker who made THIS CAKE and THESE CAKES in the past for the little B-Man, outdid herself (again!) this year.  We had so many compliments!

This would have been cute if "someone" had held still
and stopped chanting "NEMO! NEMO!"

 His favorite part were the Nemo characters that were covered in icing. 

(That's my boy!)

Blowing out the candles was complicated because I'd ask Banner to blow and he would say, "Blow!"  I get the same reaction when I try to get him to blow his nose.

And now because I don't know what else to say, here are few more of my favorite pictures from the big second birthday par-tay:

Birthday boy with his Godparents/uncles and aunt.

Oh, Uncle Pencer...

Uncle YUM and C.E.O.

Playing soccer with Uncle Aaaa-DAM!

It is not a party until the birthday boy falls off his
wiggle racer in the living room.

Showing everyone Elmo videos on YouTube.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BANNER!!!

Life is better with you!!!

(We all think so. XOXO)