Pausing...

...For a moment to remember the baby we lost this time last year. 

Technically, we don't know when his little heart stopped beating, but today is the anniversary of the D&C.  Not really a birthdate at all, but...well, it seems significant anyway.  At least to me.

It has been a difficult year, and I know I haven't been as good about posting as I used to be.  It is probably a combination of not knowing where to start and not being able to find the words.

And then there is the guilt.

Guilt because I always thought I wanted answers.

Guilt because now I have them.

Guilt because I have no choice but to move on.

Guilt because I know I'll always wonder about what could have been.

A clotting disorder.  I have a clotting disorder.  Something about Protein S and Protein C deficiencies and copies of some mutation on a couple of different genes.  I really don't know that much about it other than my doctor saying that just one of those things - by itself - puts a person at a high risk of thromboembolism.  And I have three (four?  Do you count the genes individually or just the mutation?  Or are the Protein S and C deficiencies caused by the mutated genes?  I don't know).  Not that it matters, really.  It's what killed my baby last year.  A blood clot formed on my side of the placenta and...well, that was it.  No clot and I would have a six month old baby boy in my arms right now.

I even know what we would have named him.

Of course, the miraculous part of all of this is that Banner IS here.  The same thing could have happened to him.  Did - in fact - happen to him.  Remember that placental abruption that very nearly killed both of us?  Blood clot.  They don't know when his formed.  Only that it made his entrance into the world much, much more dramatic and terrifying than I imagined it would be.  Thank God he survived.  I cannot imagine my world without him.

Although, it is easy enough for me to imagine a world where his brother survived.  Still.  To this day.  Whether I want to our not.  I see him everywhere.  In the arms of friends who had babies around the same time.  At the Arboretum.  While at swim class.  In all of Banner's hand-me-downs that I saved in case I had two boys.  Sometimes I dream he occupies the now empty nursery down the hall.  I think about the milestones he'd be reaching.  Solid food.  Sitting up.  I tear up.  No one knows.  No one sees.  No one wants to talk about it.  Because it has been a year.  Twelve months.  365 days.  Time marches forward, but I don't think this particular wound will ever heal.  Scar over one day maybe, but right now it still bleeds. 

It is what it is.  No one ever said miscarriage was easy. 

Banner sometimes tells me he wants a baby brother, and I tell him he has one.  In Heaven.  Watching over him.  Watching over us all.

What Makes a Mother...

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With the other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me. I
learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."

"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

In case you need a good laugh...

A friend of mine sent me the following article, which is FABULOUS since she currently lives in Syracuse.  Having spent four winters up there, I can fully appreciate the difference between WINTER (a la upstate New York) and "winter" (a la Dallas).  After all, my junior year in college it snowed a whopping 191.9 inches.  We missed breaking the all time snow record for Syracuse by a mere 0.2 inches.  You know how weird it is to find yourself hoping for more snow after tromping through nearly 200 inches of it over the course of a single winter?  BECAUSE I'M STILL BITTER ABOUT IT.

In other words, I tip my hat to Glenn Coin.  Had I written the following article, it would have included significantly more sarcasm. 

In related news, I'm totally sending this to my friend in Chicago who was just complaining to me about the last two winters she's had to endure.  Clearly, winter in Chicago - with their polar vortexes and feet and feet of snow - doesn't hold a candle to "winter" in Dallas.  Otherwise, Chicago would have made the list, and...well, ha, ha, they didn't.  Clearly, they had nothing close to the ten or so days of on and off uncomfortable winter-like temps like we did.  I mean, I had to break out my fleece and everything.  Plus, this last weekend, while they were experiencing yet another snowstorm in Illinois, I was eating Tex-Mex on a patio in a t-shirt and flip flops (although I totally had to borrow a sweater from my mother once the sun went down). 

HARD LIFE, I know.

There is a reason I moved back to Texas.  Although, that said, I really wouldn't mind living somewhere with a legit spring or fall.  Because it is already in the 80s this week in Big D.  Summer is right around the corner.

Weather Channel: Syracuse had one of 5 worst winters in America

By Glenn Coin
on March 23, 2015 at 8:33 AM, updated March 23, 2015 at 9:02 AM

Syracuse, N.Y. -- The Weather Channel says Syracuse had one of the five worst winters in America.

Tell us something else we didn't know. Syracuse had a colder-than-normal January and the coldest month on record in February with an average temperature of 9 degrees, which was 16.9 degrees below normal.

Syracuse came in fifth on the worst winters list, just behind Dallas. Yes, that Dallas, the one in Texas that had an average temperature in February of a bone-chilling 45.7 degrees. That was a whopping 4.2 degrees below normal.

The biggest snowstorm in Dallas this winter was 3.5 inches. Syracuse had 5 feet of snow in February.

Third on the list was the Sierra Nevada region, but because it was warm and dry, not cold and snowy. According to The Weather Channel, Tahoe City, on the north shore of Lake Tahoe, had just 19 inches of snow as of last week. The average is 151.9 inches.

That's bad news for the lingering drought in California, where many cities get their water from melted snowpack.

The combination of low snowfall in the West and cold temperatures in the east meant that the tiny village of Copenhagen, downwind of Lake Ontario, was the snowiest place in America through early March.

At the top of The Weather Channel's list was, not surprisingly, Boston. The city had more than 100.2 inches in less than two months. Two of the city's 10 heaviest snowstorms of record happened within 10 days, The Weather Channel said.

Here's the complete list:
1. Boston
2. Nashville
3. Sierra Nevada region
4. Dallas
5. Syracuse

The Weather Channel also named the top five best winters. All of them were in the West.

Things that crack me up about "winter" in Dallas...

The Thunder Truck making its debut the same morning we had Thunder Sleet on Feb. 23.
The weather people could barely contain their excitement.

When reporters put three snowballs on an
overpass to watch them melt and call it "news".

Then get bored and turn the snowballs into the world's saddest snowman.

And continue to cut back to the snowman every ten minutes like it is breaking news.

And, finally, ME.  Because I watched this ridiculousness unfold for HOURS.
I even looked up the reporter on Twitter.  Comedy at its best, people.

Basking in the snowy glory of winter storm THOR...

Granted, nothing will ever compare to my junior year in college when it snowed over 190 inches in Syracuse, New York, but 6 inches is a BIG deal for Dallas.

Plus, it meant I got to have another random day off from work to snuggle with my boys and nap.

(Seriously, is there anything better than a good snow day nap?)

It rarely ever snows down here, so please forgive all the pictures that are about to flood this page.  After all, the last time we had this much snow down here was before Banner was born.  I can't help but document!

Plus, it was pretty!

Underneath the snow was about half an inch of ice.
Which explains why Uncle Spencer decided to sleep over the night before.
(Banner was thrilled!)

"Thor" enjoying the aftermath of Thor.