Thursday, April 30, 2015

Life with a three year old...

50 things I'm probably explaining to my three year old RIGHT NOW:
  1. Why he shouldn't throw a stick in the air and try to catch it...with his eye.
  2. Why he should use the cup in his bathroom to get water out of the sink...and not drink from the bucket in his bathtub that still has the dregs of last nights bath water inside it.
  3. Why he still has to go to school even if mommy doesn't want to go to work. 
  4. Why he can't wear his pajamas to preschool.
  5. Why he still has to ride in a car seat even though he's decided he is big now.
  6. Why throwing our silverware and dishes into the trash isn't really "helping" to clean up.
  7. Why mommy's car can't play the "Hoo-Hoo Chaka" (Hooked on a Feeling) or "Gordon's Song" (Sundown) on demand.  Mama will get a new car that has modern things like Bluetooth...eventually.

  8. Why peeing on the driveway, front lawn or random trees is never better than using the potty. Especially if you realized you needed to pee when you were inside with an actual potty. That tree really didn't "want" to be peed on. I don't care that Haskell "always does it".
  9. Why he shouldn't wear his underwear backwards so Spider-Man is on the front.  Related:  Trying to explain what "wedgie" means and getting him to care (note: wearing your undies backwards gives you one).
  10. Why if his shoes get wet, it isn't the end of the world.
  11. Why he shouldn't still be worried about that June bug that landed on him two weeks ago. It wasn't a spider and it didn't try to eat him.
  12. That just because daddy or Haskell did something, doesn't mean Banner should too.
  13. That just because daddy never brushes his hair does not mean that Banner's hair (or daddy's for that matter) never needs brushing.  Related:  Hair brushing isn't just for girls.
  14. That dog poop is very, very gross. Yes, even more disgusting than poopy diapers. (Ew. Stinky.)
  15. That dancing isn't just for girls (although making Trevor dance on command to prove this is awesome).
  16. That burping and tooting are not appropriate at the dinner table (or anywhere, really) regardless of how funny he (and his father) thinks they are.
  17. That mommy's scrambled eggs taste just as good as daddy's, Jeeps and Molly's (Banner's not buying it, though. Sadly, mama has no skills in the kitchen.  I just never realized it extended to the quality of my eggs, OMG).
  18. Why we can't just get in the car right now and drive to Colorado (regardless of how much I want to).
  19. To please, please, please (OMG) leave all the tent caterpillars alone!
  20. Why I simply don't fit in his battery operated hummer or on the back of his bike.
  21. Why he really can go to bed if the sun is still up outside.  Seriously.  It is possible.
  22. Why he shouldn't drink out of the fountain in the backyard. Yes, I'm aware the dogs do it. No, that doesn't mean you should do it too.
  23. Just because his father taught him to drink out of the garden hose, doesn't mean I'm okay with it. It just means I have to stop myself from googling "why you should never let your child drink from the garden hose" ever again.
  24. Why rubbing your hands together and creating a lather is an important step in the washing-of-your-hands process. No, pumping the soap onto your palm and immediately letting the water wash it down the drain does not count.
  25. All the reasons why washing ones hands is not a race.
  26. Why licking handrails is disgusting. 
  27. Why it bothers me when I can't find the almond butter sandwich in the backseat of my car that he dropped.
  28. Why getting a carwash in the rain isn't logical.

  29. Why his robot cannot be fixed.  Related:  Why we need to be "gentle" with our toys.
  30. Why cars need gas.
  31. Why the moon can't hear you no matter how loudly you yell at it. Side note: the moon doesn't need a timeout if it is still awake during the day.
  32. Why it isn't always possible to go to a restaurant for sushi.
  33. Why touching everything in a public restroom (floor, underside of toilet, trashcan) is completely unnecessary and ew.
  34. That saying "good night. I love you." To Gram when she leaves our house for hers is generally preferred by the woman who just brought him cookies over "Good luck. Be careful in your car."
  35. Why it is important to listen - especially when he "no want to".
  36. That even Peter Parker has to help pick up his costumes when he is done playing with them.
  37. That it is exceedingly difficult to help him "fix" his puzzle if he keeps destroying it and telling me, "Mama, you doin' it wrong". 
  38. That not all birthday cards make noise.
  39. How to play Hopscotch.
  40. That he shouldn't say "oh, sh*t".  #thanksTrevor

  41. Why stepping in dog poo, getting his head stuck between the bars of a metal fence AND spraying himself in the face with wasp spray in the same evening is going to send his mother to an early grave.
  42. That Jacuzzi bathtubs are fun, not terrifying.
  43. That garlic bread is yummy (even if it is "stinky").
  44. That oversized t-shirts are not dresses.  #thanksagainTrevor
  45. Where his grandmas are.
  46. The difference between "yesterday", "tomorrow" and "this weekend".  Time makes no sense to a three year old.
  47. Why tearing a big piece of paper in two (so he can make two drawings instead of one) isn't "breaking the paper".  Related:  No need for hysterics. 
  48. Why he should always ask for help before pouring his own milk (this is also why the milk is now stored on the top shelf of the fridge).
  49. All the reasons the statement "time for bed" isn't a question.
  50. How wonderful it was for him to help pick up trash for Earth Day, but "being a good sharer" doesn't mean he should also throw HIS trash on the ground so "someone else can do good by helping pick up trash, too."
Oh, and because I couldn't get the video to upload in the mist of bullets, here's a visual of #39 (you're welcome):

Thanks AMAZON...

Screen shot of an email I just received from Amazon this afternoon: 

Is it just me, or are they trying to tell me something?
(Or maybe Grammy Pammy?) ;P

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Neither here nor there...

...but this weekend would be my 17th high school reunion.

Totally not significant for any reason other than the fact that I GRADUATED from high school when I was 17 years old.

To quote my high school self:  "How in the H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS was that half my life ago?!"

Monday, April 20, 2015


Amy:  "Oh, look!  He found a place that wasn't wet yet."

Banner: "I'm thirsty."
Me: "You've had a lot of water buddy. Let's give it a bit, okay? I don't want you to explode."

Banner: "But my tummy says, [in a very high pitched voice] 'I really thirsty'!"

Calls Trevor's iPad "the mat".

Banner: "[From his bed] Mom! I'm finished with my lollipop!"
Me: "Lollipop? What lollipop? You are supposed to be going to bed!"
Banner: "This lollipop [shows me stem]. It was yummy but now I'm all sticky."
Me: "Banner, I'm confused. Those are brand new sheets fresh out of the dryer. Where did you stash a lollipop?"
Banner: "[Without hesitation] My butt."

Banner:  "C'mon, 'Pencer.  Let's play 'bayball."
Spencer:  "Do you think we are doing him a disservice by not teaching him to bat right handed first?"
Trevor:  "I dunno.  Good point."
Me:  "OMG, he is THREE."

Banner: "[During one of the snow days] Mom! Mom! I'm turning to ice! Just like Captain America!"

Unhappy pancake that he insisted on at Legal Grounds over the regular happy pancake.
(He was thrilled)

Me: "What do you want for breakfast?"
Banner: "Ice cream."
Me: "Yeah, no. Do you want a pancake? Egg? Waffle?"
Banner: "Cupcake?"
Me: "I don't think you understand how breakfast works."
Banner: "No! You no understand! I tell you what I want already!"

[Note:  He had a muffin with fruit.]

Banner: "Mom! Gypsy eat my food!"
Mom: "She couldn't have, buddy. She's on her dog bed. Did you really feed your food to one of the other dogs?"
Banner: "No, Gypsy just really, really fast."

Banner: "I gotta go potty."
Trev: "Need me to go with you?"
Banner: "No, don't come with me daddy."
Trev: "Why not?"
Banner: "Because I gotta put my potty face on."

Mr. Garcia: "Who is happy?"

[Whole class raises their hands except Banner.]

Banner: "I no happy."
Mr. Garcia: "I'm sorry, Banner, but I bet you've been happy at some point before. Now, who has ever been tired?"
Banner: "I'm tired now."
Mr. Garcia: "I know, buddy. Now who has ever been scared?"
Banner: "Me.  I'm scared now."
Mr. Garcia: "I'm sensing a trend here."
Trevor: "So, he's scared and tired?"
Me: "But decidedly not happy."

Trevor: "[Loud toot] Uh oh! I must have stepped on a frog!"
Banner: "Daddy there's no frog. You pooted. Say 'cuse me'."

In the same vein (because discussions about toots, poop and burps just never get old at my house):

Trevor: "Oops! I stepped on a frog!"
Banner: "Poor frog. Sorry frog!"

Trevor: "It's because you are tired."
Banner: "I'm not tired! I'm sleepy!"

Banner: "Oh no! Mommy! There's bleed on my ear!"

Me: "[While walking to dinner] I need to pee."
Banner: "There's a tree over there, mama!"

Banner: "I no listen today, daddy."
Trev: "Why not?"
Banner: "Because I no want to."

In same "I no listen" vein...

Banner: "I had to sit on the wall today."
Me: "Why?"
Banner: "I no listen."
Me: "Why not? You should listen to your teachers, Banner."
Banner: "But I just want to play!"

Me: "[After discovering that he had eaten four or five packages of gummy bunnies while stuffing Easter eggs] OMG! Did you just eat all these? No more gummy bunnies!"

Banner: "I know! No more left to eat! They all gone!"

He is VERY good at puzzles.

Me: "Banner, you look so handsome!
Banner: "[Giggling in an ah, shucks way] Stop it, mama!"

Me: "Banner eat your broccoli."
Banner: "[Moving the broccoli to my plate] No thank you!"
Trevor: "But Charlie loves broccoli! Charlie always eats his broccoli!"

Banner: "Well then Charlie can have it!"

Trevor: "Where's Banner? It's too quiet."

[Goes looking for him.]

Banner: "[Upon having the door to his bedroom opened and being discovered eating a bag of jellybeans he had stolen from his Easter basket] I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!"

Banner: "I like your shoes, Amy!"
Amy: "Thanks! They make me run fast!"
Banner: "[Referencing his flip flops] Oh, my shoes make me fall down."
Amy: "That's quite the superpower."

Banner IS really good at drawing "robots".
(That is a robot above.  It has hair.)

Banner: "Daddy draw a castle!"

[Trevor proceeds to draw a castle with sidewalk chalk on the backyard patio]

Banner: "That's not a very good castle. You must not be a good drawer. Sorry 'bout that, daddy."

Trevor: "Get ready to take a shower or you are going to have to go straight to bed. I'm going to count to 3. 1...2..."
Banner: "Daddy! No count to three! I'm a big boy not a baby!"

Me: "C'mon buddy. You are stalling. Time for bed."
Banner: "No! I gotta potty! Big poo poo coming out!"

[Finally a small splash]

Banner: "[Looking a world's tiniest poop and considering it for a moment] Well, it felt a lot bigger."

Anni: "[Referencing photo above via text] Please tell me that's a pickle and not a log of poo."
Me: "He dropped that pickle on the floor, wrestled it away from the dog and just ate it. I watched the whole thing. #proud parent."
Anni: "That's amazing."
Me: "The alternative was the dog eating it which would have been cause for a meltdown. I was torn. If he won, the pickle had totally been licked by the dog. If he lost, meltdown. Parenting is hard."

It is official. 
Banner is the youngest Gordon Lightfoot fan on the planet.

Trevor:  "Banner, I don't think your socks match.  One comes up to your knee and the other doesn't."
Banner:  "Yes, they do, daddy."
Trevor:  "What is on that foot."

Banner:  "Batman."
Trevor:  "And that foot?"
Banner:  "An eyeball."
Trevor:  "See?  They aren't the same!"
Banner:  "Yes, they are! "
Trevor:  "I don't think you understand what 'same' means, buddy."

Banner:  "No, YOU no understand, daddy."

Trevor:  "I told him to go put on a hat and this happened.  I'm just going with it."

Me:  "Does this dress make mama look pretty?"
Banner:  "No, but I can go get you a sticker.  That will help."

The next day...

Banner:  "Mama, why you no wear this dress?"
Me:  "I just couldn't get it to look right."
Banner:  "Well, it much prettier than that dress you wearing now."

Last night...

Banner:  "Here some stickers, mama!  I make you look pretty for dinner."
Me:  "Thanks, buddy!  But I just got out of the shower.  They won't stick to me right now."

[Banner proceeds to try and stick stickers on me anyway.]

Me:  "You know what, why don't you go ahead and decorate this shirt and I'll wear it to dinner?"
Banner:  "Okay, mama."

[Upon leaving the house for dinner with Mimi and Baa...]

Trevor:  "Wow.  So...uh.  That's a lot of stickers."
Me:  "Yeah, I wasn't going to wear this shirt, but Banner went to so much trouble to make me look nice."
Trevor:  "Banner, did you make mommy look pretty?"
Banner:  "Yep.  She pretty now.  I have to use A LOT of stickers."

Riding to the park clearly requires driving gloves.

Banner:  "Old MacDonald had a farm!  E-I-E-I-O!"
Me:  "Buddy, it isn't nice to sing at the dinner table."
Banner:  "Why not?"
Trevor:  "Because it might bother the people at the other tables."
Me:  "We can have a singing party in the car on the way home, if you want."
Banner:  "But I want to sing now!  I might not want to later."

Saturday, April 18, 2015

On picnics, sandwiches and my heart...

Today, Trevor had to work from home, so Banner and I were on our own for karate and lunch.  I figured we'd grab sushi, but the little guy surprised me when he announced that he wanted to bring lunch to daddy and have a picnic in the backyard instead.

It was very sweet.

And also a little frustrating because (apparently) proper picnic fare involves sandwiches.  Which is awesome when the one insisting on sandwiches is the very same individual who HATES all things sandwich.  Not sushi or tacos or any of the other things on the list of "things my kid will eat".  But arguing with a three year old is futile, so sandwiches it was.

(Spoiler alert:  Said three year old wouldn't TOUCH his sandwich.  Luckily he also requested fruit and carrots, so he didn't go hungry.)

Banner wanted it to be a family picnic, so the dogs were not only included, but were also required to sit around the picnic blanket as well.  Not that any of them were complaining because UNEATEN SANDWICHES!  ON THE GROUND!:

They were totally all over this picnic thing.

Banner has never been so popular.

Of course, Banner would only share with his best buddy, Haskell.
In fact, I'm not entirely unconvinced that Banner didn't get said uneaten sandwich FOR Haskell.

Which explains why Haskell never left Banner's side during the entire event. 
Not for a second.  Not even for a squirrel.
(Smart dog)

Regardless of the uneaten sandwich, it ended up being one of the best parts of my weekend.  Because, quite frankly, life just doesn't get much better than this:

 Sometimes I sit back and realize how truly lucky I am.  This was one of those moments.
Just looking at this photo makes me happy.  It was a good day.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The invasion needs to end because OMG...

Dallas has been invaded by Tent Caterpillars.  You can't walk across the grass anymore because they have claimed it as their own, and start to crawl up your pant leg.  Although, walking on the concrete isn't much better because THEY GRAVITATE towards you.  I don't know if they think people are trees or what, but OMG STOP FOLLOWING ME.
Speaking of trees, they've got those covered.  Literally.  And walking under trees isn't safe either because sometimes it gets too crowded and they fall/jump into your hair.  I think they do it on purpose because I hate it.
Of course, Banner LOVES them which doesn't help me at all.
Just so you can be as equally freaked out as I am on a daily basis, here you go.  I'd warn you, but no one warned me so I'm just returning the favor:

They also dance and twitch.
Because a gazillion caterpillars isn't creepy enough.



This is a trashcan.  But it could also be my car.  Or me. 
Because they are everywhere.

This is the door I use to enter my office. 

The best is that I'm assuming the world will next be covered in creepy cocoons.  Followed by a plague of moths in July.  As if I needed more reasons not to go outside during a Texas summer.

Thursday, April 09, 2015

That moment when you realize you married Calvin's dad...

In the wee hours of last night, we had thunderstorms.  There wasn't much in the way of rain, but the storm was right on top of us - complete with dramatic (and oh-so loud) thunder of, what I like to call, the "flash-boom" variety.

No one was surprised when it woke Banner up.  Heck, everyone was awake.  Including three very wimpy dogs that were nervously panting at the foot of our bed.

Trevor went into Banner's room, and I heard them talking.  Banner was whimpering that he was scared, and I assumed the little guy would end up in our bed for the remainder of the night.  But a few minutes later, Trevor returned alone, crawled back in bed and rolled over to go back to sleep.

Me:  "Um?  What happened?  Where is Banner?"

Trevor:  "I'm a miracle worker."

Me:  "Oh?  How did you manage that?"

Trevor:  "He was scared of the thunder, so I told him it was just the noise a cloud made when it pooted.  He is totally fine with it now."