When babies crawl out from underneath cars (or why some people shouldn't be allowed to have children)...

I just got some rather distressing news.

In order for everyone to fully grasp the level of “distressing” here, I offer the following back-story:

About six months ago, Trevor stopped by to pick me up for lunch. Since it was the weekend (and I hadn’t gotten out of bed until Trevor called to see if I was hungry), I wasn’t quite ready to go when he arrived at my house. So, I invited him to come inside while I finished getting dressed.

It wasn’t long until I was good to go, however (my winter weekend attire generally consists of blue jeans, a long-sleeved T-shirt and a hooded-sweatshirt. No make-up allowed. Hat to cover undone hair, optional). So, Trevor headed out to the car, while I locked up my house, set the alarm, etc.

I live next door to an older couple. They are very nice people. A little white trash, but sweet. If I ever go missing, I’m confident that they will be the ones – not my parents, friends, family or coworkers – that will first notice my absence. I swear they keep a log of my comings and goings. I might find it creepy, if it wasn’t kinda reassuring.

Anyway, this older couple (who I’ll refer to as “The Toolsons” to protect their identity) has a son that is about my age. We will call him “Chase”. Chase has always been nice enough to me, although you can tell that there is definitely another side to him. Since I’ve lived in my little house (which, by the way, has been just under a year), Chase has:

Been beaten up by his ex-girlfriend (who lives directly across the street).

Had his tires slashed by said ex-girlfriend…TWICE.

Been beaten up by said ex-girlfriend AGAIN (this time he was dumped in the driveway, and was bleeding so badly that an ambulance had to be called to take him to the hospital).

Been imprisoned for six months for illegal drug possession.

Now, until recently, Chase has been living at home (with the exception of when he was in prison, of course) with his parents, his current girlfriend (who’s name I’ve never known), and his infant son, Jet (yes, like the plane).

Since Chase’s current girlfriend is so central to this story, I’ll call her “Jane Doe” from here on out.

Now where was I? Oh, yes. So, Trevor heads out to the car, while I finished locking up my house and all. My front door is a little tricky to lock properly, and it was giving me an especially hard time that day. This was particularly frustrating because it was a tad on the chilly side that morning, and I was looking forward to being in the nice, warm car. Trevor, as if reading my mind, got inside and started the engine.

Meanwhile, Jane Doe walks up to Trevor and asks if he’s seen her baby.

Trevor: “Your baby?”

Jane Doe: “Yeah, Jet. He was just here a second ago.”

Trevor: “[Starting to look for baby…] Uhmmmm…”

Jane Doe: “He couldn’t have gone very far. I mean, I was just inside for, like, two seconds. The phone rang, and I stepped inside to grab it. I bet he’s in a bush or something. Jet really likes nature.”

Trevor: “[Now looking under the bushes…] Uhmmmm…”

This was about the time that I finally finished locking my front door, and I turned around just in time to see the baby CRAWLING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH TREVOR’S CAR!!

Me: “Uh, I found the baby.”

Trevor: “Really?”

Jane Doe: “Oh, good. Where is he?”

Me: “Right here. He just crawled out from underneath Trevor’s car.”

Trevor: “[Loosing all color in his face…] Crawled out from underneath…WHERE?!”

Me: “Your car.”

Jane Doe: “[Picking up baby…] Oh, how funny! Jet just loves cars! I bet he’ll grow up to be an auto-mechanic someday! He’s always crawling underneath them. I guess I should have thought to look there first, huh?!”

Me & Trevor: [Staring at Jane in shocked silence…]

Jane Doe: “Well, thanks for helping me find him! You two going to lunch?”

Me & Trevor: “[Nodding slowly…] Uh huh.”

Jane Doe: “Cool! Well have fun. Bye!”

Me & Trevor: “[Still in shock…] Bye.”

So, that was a tad disconcerting! I still cannot believe it! We could have run over a baby! There was a baby under Trevor’s car! AGGGGHHHH!!!!

It is six months later, and I STILL find myself looking under my car before I get in it!! Is that normal?! Is it normal to have to check for babies underneath one’s car?! Does anyone else have to check for babies underneath THEIR car?!

Anyway, as if this event wasn’t bad enough, a few days later I returned home to find Jane Doe smoking in driveway (she’s a regular chimney, she is):

Jane Doe: “Hey.”

Me: “Hey.”

Jane Doe: “What’s going on?”

Me: “Not much. Just working. Any news from Chase? Doesn’t he get out [of prison] soon?”

Jane Doe: “I hope so. He was supposed to be out already, but they won’t let him go, yet. It might be another three months, which really, really sucks. I mean, he knows he did wrong. He misses his family. He has a kid. Let him out!”

Me: “Well, hopefully he’ll get out soon.”

Jane Doe: “Yeah. I write him a letter everyday. I think he is going to miss Jet’s first steps.”

Me: “Really? Aw. That’s too bad.”

Jane Doe: “Yeah. It is.”

Me: “[After long, awkward pause…] So, how is Jet?”

Jane Doe: “Sick.”

Me: “Oh, no! Really?”

Jane Doe: “Yeah. He has bad diarrhea. He’s had it for a couple of days now.”

Me: “Have you taken him to the doctor?”

Jane Doe: “Yeah, but there was a really long wait at the clinic. Plus, the doctor there doesn’t really know what he’s talking about, at least not enough at what he charges. So, I left.”

Me: “Oh.”

Jane Doe: “Do you know what to do for babies with diarrhea?”

Me: “No. I’m not a doctor. I don’t even have kids.”

Jane Doe: “Yeah, but you’re smart. I can tell. You’ve been to college and sh*t.”

Me: “But that doesn’t mean I know anything. Much less about babies.”

Jane Doe: “C’mon. Please?”

Me: “[Long pause…] Well, have you tried Pedialyte? I mean, I dunno, but I’ve seen commercials on TV for it. I think it can help with the dehydration.”

Jane Doe: “Jet’s dehydrated?”

Me: “Yeah, I bet he probably is. I think that’s what happens when you have diarrhea. It takes the fluid right out of you.”

Jane Doe: “And the Pedialyte will help?”

Me: “Well, I don’t think it will hurt anyway. I’d still take him to the doctor, though, if he’s not better by tomorrow morning.”

Jane Doe: “Okay. I’ll try it. Thanks.”

And try it she did. The next time I saw her, she ran up and thanked me for helping Jet when he was sick. Apparently, the Pedialyte “cured him” (Jane Doe’s words, not mine). I’ve spent the past six months worrying that I’d be summoned again for more impromptu pediatric medical care for the baby next door. Luckily, Jet has been blessed with an immune system that doesn’t “do sick” often (thank goodness. I’m sure Pedialyte only goes so far…).

Plus, Chase finally got released from prison, and (after holding down a steady job for two months) was able to move his small family out of his parents’ house a few of weeks ago. They now live in an apartment complex several miles away.

Now to the bad news…

It cannot be medically confirmed because she hasn’t been to the doctor yet (what is it with doctors and her, anyway?!), but Jane is pregnant again. Notice I didn’t say “thinks she is pregnant”. The word “thinks” is totally moot at this point. She’s already showing. So, by the looks of things, I’m guessing that baby Jet will have a new brother or sister before Christmas (possibly Thanksgiving).

Sigh.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to spawn be parents – especially those that think the undercarriage of a parked car is an appropriate place for their baby to play.