Technically, we don't know when his little heart stopped beating, but today is the anniversary of the D&C. Not really a birthdate at all, but...well, it seems significant anyway. At least to me.
It has been a difficult year, and I know I haven't been as good about posting as I used to be. It is probably a combination of not knowing where to start and not being able to find the words.
And then there is the guilt.
Guilt because I always thought I wanted answers.
Guilt because now I have them.
Guilt because I have no choice but to move on.
Guilt because I know I'll always wonder about what could have been.
A clotting disorder. I have a clotting disorder. Something about Protein S and Protein C deficiencies and copies of some mutation on a couple of different genes. I really don't know that much about it other than my doctor saying that just one of those things - by itself - puts a person at a high risk of thromboembolism. And I have three (four? Do you count the genes individually or just the mutation? Or are the Protein S and C deficiencies caused by the mutated genes? I don't know). Not that it matters, really. It's what killed my baby last year. A blood clot formed on my side of the placenta and...well, that was it. No clot and I would have a six month old baby boy in my arms right now.
I even know what we would have named him.
Of course, the miraculous part of all of this is that Banner IS here. The same thing could have happened to him. Did - in fact - happen to him. Remember that placental abruption that very nearly killed both of us? Blood clot. They don't know when his formed. Only that it made his entrance into the world much, much more dramatic and terrifying than I imagined it would be. Thank God he survived. I cannot imagine my world without him.
Although, it is easy enough for me to imagine a world where his brother survived. Still. To this day. Whether I want to our not. I see him everywhere. In the arms of friends who had babies around the same time. At the Arboretum. While at swim class. In all of Banner's hand-me-downs that I saved in case I had two boys. Sometimes I dream he occupies the now empty nursery down the hall. I think about the milestones he'd be reaching. Solid food. Sitting up. I tear up. No one knows. No one sees. No one wants to talk about it. Because it has been a year. Twelve months. 365 days. Time marches forward, but I don't think this particular wound will ever heal. Scar over one day maybe, but right now it still bleeds.
It is what it is. No one ever said miscarriage was easy.
Banner sometimes tells me he wants a baby brother, and I tell him he has one. In Heaven. Watching over him. Watching over us all.
What Makes a Mother...
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me. I
learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here."
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start