Beaumont...

So, the week before last RR and I went to a work-related conference in Beaumont, Texas.

First, let me say that I don't believe that people should be allowed to live in Beaumont. I was there for 15 minutes and I broke out in hives. Literately. I still have them on my lower back. Hives! Beaumont gave me hives!

Second, much to our dismay, we did not see a single oil derrick or refinery in Beaumont (we saw one refinery just outside of Houston, but nothing resembling one in Beaumont). This was disappointing. I feel like I was misled.

Third, it took us two hours to drive 5.7 miles on our way in to Beaumont on I-10. I thought that this was wrong. The delay was caused by the traffic created by construction on the bridge over the Trinity River. Since we were coming from Dallas (and had already crossed the Trinity at the beginning of the trip) I felt that this was somehow unfair. RR, on the other hand, was excited that the Trinity "actually looked like a real river. I now understand why they originally thought that they could sail ships up and down it."

Fourthly, did you know that Beaumont is home to the World's Largest Fire Hydrant? No, I’m NOT kidding. Granted, I didn't actually see it, but apparently it is located in the city and is one of their largest tourist attractions. Personally, I feel that if one of your city’s biggest attractions is a really big fire plug you should move, but – again - that’s just me.

Fifthly, while signing up for the conference last month, RR and I discovered that Beaumont lists Coushatta Casino Resort in Kinder, Louisiana as one of its MUST SEE ATTRACTIONS. Does anyone else think that it is wrong that a casino located some eighty miles away in another city (not to mention state) is being advertised on their tourism guide?

Sixth, we stayed at the La Quinta Inn. Not that all La Qunitas are bad, mind you. However, the La Quinta Inn that RR and I stayed at in Beaumont was “Spanish for SKETCHY”. There is seriously nothing like driving up to your motel room door, and seeing eight men dressed like bikers smoking and drinking beer on the stairs leading up to the second level. RR thought (optimistically, of course) that they might also be conference attendees. I figured that it was unlikely that they were also in the museum field, but referred to them as our conference “Welcome Wagon” for the rest of the trip anyway.

The following is a list of quotations from our trip to Beaumont. Enjoy:


The drive from Dallas to Beaumont…

Deals: [Calling ONSTAR] “Uh, hi…can you please tell me which side of Houston we are on right now? East? Okay, good. And does 610 really go in a circle? It does? Yeah, we totally just went in a circle.”

Deals: “Oh, look! That hotel has ‘FREE WiF’!”
RR: “And a tin building painted like a Whataburger.”

RR: “Well, maybe our hotel will be on the good side of town?”
[Continues driving for awhile]
RR: : “Well, maybe not…”
Deals: “Hey, look! A McDonald’s Golden Arch Supply Store! And look! It’s right next door to our hotel!”
RR: “Figures…”


Upon arriving at our hotel room…

Deals: “Oh, look who is staying directly above us! Why didn’t we bring Gypsy?!”

RR: “And why do I have to sleep next to the window?”
Deals: “Because I walked in first.”

RR: “At least we don’t have to worry about people breaking into the room…that door is hard to open.”
Deals: “Maybe we should forgo maid service this trip?”
RR: “Good idea.”
Deals: “Hey, look on the bright side. At least I can brush my teeth while you shower.”
RR: “This is true.”

RR: [Lying down on bed] “Oh, no! Don’t look up!”
Deals: [Looking up] “Why does our ceiling have a butt crack?”

RR: [In a panic] “What kind of hotel doesn’t have closing curtains?! I cannot believe we don’t have closing curtains! Why DON’T these curtains close? Why am I sleeping on the bed next to the window that doesn’t have closing curtains?!”

Deals: “Look. I made a ‘Hotel Survival List’.”
RR: “Really? Let me see.” [Reading list] “Deck ‘o’ Cards, Liquor/Alcohol, Mace, Weapons that don’t require a three-day waiting period, 1-800-RENT-A-DOG, Curtains (preferably ‘black-out’).”

RR: “Ew. EW. EW. Why am I walking around barefoot?”

RR: [LOUD flush from bathroom followed by a muffled scream from RR] “Ummmm…right. Now, I’m afraid to flush it.”
Deals: [From the other room] “That bad, huh?”
RR: “Maybe it won’t be so bad if I wait awhile and try again?”
Deals: “Like, just maybe, they had the water turned off earlier or something?”
RR: “Exactly.”
[Flushes again]
RR: “Well, maybe not. Note to self: close lid before flushing.”
Deals: “Because it might come splashing out if you don’t?”
RR: “Well, no. At least not exactly. I’m just afraid of what will happen if we add any volume.”
Deals: “On the bright side, though, at least it is a ‘water saver’.”

RR: “You know what I just heard? Some guy walking past our door stating that he ‘liked beer’.”

Deals: “My back hurts.”
RR: “Still? Here, let me see.”
Deals: [Lifting shirt] “Is it red?”
RR: “Uh, yeah…it’s red. It looks like a rash or something. Wait! I know. Hold on, don’t move. I’m going to get my phone and take a picture of it and send it to JLR. That way she can look it up on WebMD.”
Deals: “Uh, okay…”
[Pause while we wait to hear back from JLR]
Deals: “What did she say?”
RR: “Yeah, she thinks you have hives, but she told me to wash my hands and not touch you or your things just incase it’s something else.”

RR: [Looking in the mirror] “I didn’t bring enough hair gel for the coast.”

Deals: [Talking on the phone with Trevor] “No. No, I don’t think that people should be allowed to raise children in Beaumont.”

RR: “Okay. I have to go to the bathroom now. It might be a while. Here’s the remote.”

RR: “What time do you want me to set the alarm for tomorrow?”
Deals: “I dunno. What time is the Continental Breakfast?”
RR: “Huh. Good question. Where’s the Hotel Directory?”
Deals: “Are you kidding?!”


At RR’s Committee Meeting…

Deals: “So…uh…does this group have a chant or something?”
RR: “No.”
Deals: “How ‘bout a song?”
RR: “No. Why are you asking me this?”
Deals: “Well, you all have a banner and people keep cheering.”


Overheard at RR’s Committee Meeting…

Committee President: [In all seriousness…] “We’re thinking about cancelling the summer workshops unless we can have one that promises to draw a large crowd like ‘Complicated Shipping Issues’.”

Deals: “Really? ‘Complicated Shipping Issues’? That draws a crowd?!"
RR: “I’d go.”
Deals: “You’re kidding, right?”
RR: “No.”
Deals: “I think it should be on deodorant stains.”
RR: “Riiiight…no.”