Making it legal (or trying, at least)...

Picked up the wedding license this afternoon, which – incase you were wondering – takes much (much) longer than necessary.

There is a whole section of the 2nd floor of the Records Building downtown devoted to birth, death and marriage licenses. Once you exit the elevator, you’ll see it to your right. Since Trevor and I had already filled out the online portion of the application, the signs directed us to queue up in front of the desk. So we did.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

There were bunches of people working in the department, but only one seemed to be helping anybody. Finally, an employee in the back noticed the hordes of people waiting, and yelled, “Hey! The line’s long again.”

After thirty seconds or so (I think everyone was hoping someone else would get up so they wouldn’t have to), a single worker got up from her desk and slowly walked to the counter. After an audible sigh (followed by a visible eye roll) she said, “Next”.

Obviously, the people in line were only existed to annoy her.

Trevor: “Yes, we are here for a marriage…”

Lady Behind Counter: “[Interrupting] Marriage licenses to the counter to your left. Sign in at the clipboard and sit down.”

At first, we had no idea what she was talking about. But then we saw it. On the far side of the computer was a nondescript clipboard with a sign in sheet attached. There was zero signage to draw your attention to the sign in sheet or anything that gave any direction whatsoever to do anything other than stand in line with your application in hand. And since 90% of the line was made up of couples applying for a marriage license, there was a rush to add your name to the newly discovered marriage license waiting list.

Do you see a clipboard or sign in sheet?

And THESE signs direct you to stand in
line after filling out your application!
NOTHING about signing in and waiting!

Luckily (or so I thought), Trevor and I secured our names to the list near the top, and sat down to wait our turn. But when they started calling names, they skipped ours. Two couples went before us that had both added their names to the waiting list AFTER us and were BEHIND us in line. Very annoying. I’m convinced it was the universe’s way of screwing with us.

After more than an hour of waiting, we finally made it inside. Ten minutes and seventy dollars later, we had our license.

Oy, vey!

For all the dog lovers out there...

Random Thoughts...

Sometimes I get an email forward that just cracks me up. This is one of those times:

RANDOM THOUGHTS


I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.





More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.





Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.





I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?





Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.





I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.





The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Retards" again.





Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There were no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.





There is a great need for sarcasm font.





Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.





I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.





How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?





I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.





I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.





The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.





A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it!





Was learning cursive really necessary?





LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".





I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.





Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.





My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.





Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is, "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".





How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?





I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!





While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.





MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.





Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.





I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.





Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.





I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.





Bad decisions make good stories.





Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!





Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?





If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.





Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem...





You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.





Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection AGAIN.





There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.





I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.





"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.





I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'





While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.





I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?





I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.





When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.





I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.





Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...





As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.





Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.





It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.





I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.





I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.





Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.





Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...





My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?





It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.





I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.





I think the freezer deserves a light as well.





I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lights than Kay.





The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.





When someone asks “what time do you close?” and I answer and then they ask “so you close at 5?” I always wonder if this is a test to see if I will remember the answer or they will.

LOVE. IT.

My "something blue" and my "sixpence for my shoe"...

“Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.”

- Mark Twain

Last night I discovered that I had lost both my sixpence and my blue pebble.

My sixpence was last seen in a blue Tiffany’s box inside my grandmother’s breakfront. The blue pebble? Inside it’s purple pouch in the shrine in the study.

After much searching (and a few tears), I gave up and went to bed – vowing, if one or both turned up, I’d donate blood before the wedding.

This morning, before I left for work, I decided to look once more for the blue pebble. And there it was. In the same place I looked for it no less than 15 times the night before.

I gave blood this morning at 10 AM.

The sixpence is still missing, but at least I have my pebble back. One down, one to go.

I swear I'm losing my mind...

The Bachelorette Party…

“Like other parties of the kind, it was first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogether, then inarticulate, and then drunk. When we had reached the last step of this glorious ladder, it was difficult to get down again without stumbling!”

- George Gordon Byron

Just incase there was any doubt, I have the best girlfriends anyone could ever ask for.

On Saturday, August 15th, I was surprised with a completely unexpected bachelorette party.

When it comes to surprises, I’m not known for my cooperation. After all, as in most cases of surprise, I was clueless. How was I supposed to know that making a 11:30 AM nail appointment on Saturday would cause Trevor to bolt from the shower, run into the living room in nothing but a towel dripping water everywhere, grab his cell phone and announce that he his brother RIGHT THEN?

Of course, I would find out later that Trevor’s one job Saturday was to NOT lose me. No wonder my curtsy announcement of, “I’m leaving!” caused him to panic!

So, even though I had a feeling that something was up, I had no idea that I’d walk into a different nail salon an hour and a half later and find so many of my friends waiting to surprise me. Or that they’d have the next twelve hours of my life filled with fabulous food, people and fun!

This is my bachelorette hat from the back.
Anni did a great job with the veil!

So, I cried. Because that is what I do when I am surprised and touched all at the same time. And, well, it was also one of those moments when I realized that I not only had friends, but they liked me, too! Trevor mocked me about this later. Apparently, I am paranoid.

My Shirt...

Anyway, the day started off at a nail salon in East Dallas, where we all got mani/pedis while munching on cheese, crackers and olives while drinking wine. Wine, might I add that my friend Mandy picked up. This might not sound like news unless you’ve met Mandy – who, at 95 pounds, rarely, if ever, drinks and has been known to spit out Communion Wine at the alter. It was a big deal.

Pretty Toes!

Nails were followed by a few rounds of Bride Bingo at my house. I was having too much fun to pay attention, much less win. My personal favorite moment? When JLR discovered that RR had “bingoed” (or in this case “brided”), but didn’t announce it because RR had already won a round and was keeping quiet in the hopes JLR would be victorious. Those two, I swear!

Heading to dinner...

Bingo was followed by dinner at Kona Grill (yum, sushi). Our server, Chester, doted on us and made such an impression on the group that he was asked to sign my giant card. I’d tell you what he said, but the card was whisked away by one of my bridesmaids before I could read any of the comments. I have a feeling it will reemerge later on, though. No worries.

After dinner, the group relocated to Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar in Addison. The place was packed, but fun. And thanks to Anni, I ended up on stage. Have I ever mentioned that I can’t dance? Or maybe it is that I don’t know how to dance when the announcer tells me to dance dirty? And, really, how does one dance to Baby Got Back? Especially, someone who’s bootie shakes when she’s trying to shimmy? Oh, wait. I guess I should have tried to shimmy up there. Oops.

Luckily, I wasn’t the only one up on stage, and the lady next to me was more than willing to use me as her pole since I was doing more standing than dancing anyway. And, for the record, being used as a pole by a strange woman was much, much better than having my a$$ grabbed by random bar goers. Apparently, nothing makes men want to grab your bootie more than wearing a pink cowboy hat with a veil. And sometimes “grabbing” was more “pinching” than anything else. I still have the faded bruises on my posterior to prove it!

See my pink hat?
That's me during my brief tenure as a human stripper pole.

All in all, my bachelorette party was a blast. I keep tearing up while writing this post (again with all the drop-of-a-hat waterworks!). I am a lucky girl with the best(est) friends in the world!

Now, we just have to get the guys to take Trevor to look at boobies and we will be all set!

Oh, Monday...

After a 10 day hiatus, the AC was supposed to be back on in the office today. Apparently, they were just kidding, though. Nothing quite like having to periodically wipe the sweat off your hands so your fingers don't slip off the keyboard while typing.

I think I’ll go home soon.

Jiminy Cricket...

To the cricket that chirps incessantly all night from somewhere in my bedroom,

I am normally not a violent person, but your excessive chirping makes me want to squish you. Especially at 3 AM. It would be wise to immediately relocate upon receipt of this message.

I know you are supposed to bring luck to homes that you visit, which is fine as long as you leave my boudoir before I go to bed. If you choose not to comply, I cannot be held responsible for what I might do if I find you. Chances are that it will NOT involve me carefully relocating you to the backyard where your chirps have a chance in hell of being answered by some super-sexy female cricket.

I am just not a very happy person when aroused unnecessarily in the middle of the night. It really isn’t anything personal. Just ask Trevor what happens to him when he accidentally disturbs my slumber.

Anyway, consider yourself warned.

Sincerely,
The Management

It can always be worse...

This evening I found myself watching the Fox Octomom special on the internet. Why? Planning a wedding is stressful, but at least I don’t have fourteen kids and a two year old that slaps me in the face and calls me a b*tch. Nor do I think my house is haunted. Overall, my life is a picnic. I just needed a little perspective.

If you need some too, here you go:

Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage

(It is like a train wreck: You want to turn away, but just can’t.)