Jiminy Cricket...

To the cricket that chirps incessantly all night from somewhere in my bedroom,

I am normally not a violent person, but your excessive chirping makes me want to squish you. Especially at 3 AM. It would be wise to immediately relocate upon receipt of this message.

I know you are supposed to bring luck to homes that you visit, which is fine as long as you leave my boudoir before I go to bed. If you choose not to comply, I cannot be held responsible for what I might do if I find you. Chances are that it will NOT involve me carefully relocating you to the backyard where your chirps have a chance in hell of being answered by some super-sexy female cricket.

I am just not a very happy person when aroused unnecessarily in the middle of the night. It really isn’t anything personal. Just ask Trevor what happens to him when he accidentally disturbs my slumber.

Anyway, consider yourself warned.

Sincerely,
The Management