"Deep Thoughts," by Deals...

Last weekend it was cold.

Not, like, Minnesota cold or anything, but Texas cold (in other words, it was in the upper 20s - temperatures that, according to local TV weather people, constituted a WINTER BLAST).

So, I guess, last weekend would best be described as being...well...rather chilly.

It was, however, cold enough that you could see your breath when you exhaled.

Back when I was in college in upstate New York, I lived in an apartment that was about 4 or 5 blocks from campus. Getting to and from campus, although the walk wasn't really all that far, could be absolutely miserable at times. It was the kind of cold that physically hurt. Exposed skin stung, and the very act of breathing could cause your nose hairs to freeze (which, might I add, makes it feel like you have boogers coming out of your nostrils. Not pleasant AT ALL).

Not surprisingly, when it was that kind of cold, I hated the walk to and from class. Dreaded it, actually. I'd get all bundled up (so that only my eyes were exposed), put my head into the wind and snow, and literately marched myself to campus. Yes, it was a march. It was icy, so running wasn't an option (plus, the cold air would make my lungs ache). My only recourse was to walk quickly, with a purpose.

On these daily marches to and from class, I would try not to think about how cold it was outside (or how I was slowly freezing to death on the inside). Instead, I would try to distract myself by thinking of other, more trivial, things.

One day, while I was walking home, I got to thinking about how I could still see my breath - even though my mouth was covered up by multiple layers of mask, scarf and ski jacket. I started to imagine that I was a little steam engine, chugging home (toot-toot). This thought, lead me DIRECTLY to the subject of farts (or "toots", if you prefer), which is when the following suddenly occurred to me:

"If I can see my breath, even though my mouth is covered up by multiple layers of clothing - what would happen if I passed gas on a cold day, like today? Would I be able to see that, too?"

This very thought made me stop short. I started to worry about all of those times that I had farted walking around outside on days like that one. Now, I'm not crude or anything, but sometimes - when you are walking by yourself and no one else is around - the need arises, you know? I'm not, like, letting one rip in public or anything like that, but sometimes it is possible to...kind of...let one seep out kind of...discreetly.

Anyway, what if every time I had done that a little puff had been visible from behind? How horrible would that be!

I was suddenly mortified...how many people had SEEN me fart?! And, more importantly, WHY HAD NO ONE TOLD ME?!

I was so embarrassed, until it occurred to me that maybe no one could see it if I passed gas outside when it was cold. Maybe farting was different than breathing?

But I needed to know. I needed to know for sure.

There could be no question about this. No doubt. No nothing.

So, over the course of the next several weeks, I would try to pass gas on my way to campus when no one else was around to...you know...SEE it. Then, I'd do a quick 180 to see if I could make out the puff still lingering in the air.

For about a week, I was completely convinced that you could see my farts when it was cold. That was, at least, until I realized that I was just seeing my breath. It hadn't occurred to me to stop breathing during my...experiments.

So, I had to spend the next week retesting. And, tragically, the results were inconclusive.

I tried again the following week, and the results were the same. Sometimes I thought I could see a puff and other times I wasn't so sure.

Frustrating. Very frustrating.

This whole process was getting me nowhere. I needed someone to help me - someone that could witness the process from behind, and let me know for sure.

Thus, I mustered up all of my courage, and asked my college roommate, C, if she'd...uh...help me solve a problem that I was having.

She said, "Sure," and asked what it was.

So, I told her.

And you know what she did?

She laughed at me!

C told me that no one could see a fart - no matter how cold it was.

Then, she laughed some more.

I thought a lot about what C said. I wanted to believe her, but *alas* I was still unsure. To this day, if it is cold outside, I worry about what I will do if I suddenly have the urge to...you know...toot.

*Sigh*

Sometimes it is hard being me.