And without further ado...

THE CRUISE
or
THE "ALMOST" WEDDING
(depending on your perspective…)

My mother (a.k.a. "Grammy Pammy") is a private pilot with a commercial rating. Very impressive if you ask me. Her husband, Nightcourt, is a pilot as well and the two of them enjoy flying themselves all over the country in their small, twin-engine Piper Navajo. They take aviation very seriously – to the extent that my mother has a bumper sticker on the back of her red jeep that reads, "My other car is an airplane". If you happen to pass her on the highway, please feel free to honk (Zeus likes the attention).

Anyway, it really came as no surprise when I learned that my mom and her husband would be flying us down to Galveston to catch our cruise ship. Although, we did get a late start because my stepbrother (who's just finishing up his sophomore year in high school) decided to take an exceptionally long shower before he was ready to fly on "Grammy Pammy Air". Because, you know, some strange, hot girl might randomly be flying down with us and he wouldn’t want to smell. Teenagers...

Well, the flight was more or less uneventful. My mom flew the plane, while her husband sat right seat and proceeded to TAKE THE PLANE APART MIDFLIGHT. No, I'm not kidding. There I am in the back of the plane, watching the co-pilot unscrew this and Velcro that. So, I decided to jot down a note and pass it up to the cockpit that read, "For the record, it's a little disconcerting to see the co-pilot putting the plane back together with a screwdriver and some Velcro...” My stepfather quickly responded with, "It's only the Velcro that keeps us in the air." So, yeah, that was fun (and a little nerve-racking).

We did land safely in Galveston, however, so no worries. Well, at least, not until I walked into airport and heard that Celine Dion song, MY HEART WILL GO ON, playing over the speakers. Since I didn't feel that it was appropriate to listen to the theme song from the movie THE TITANIC an hour before boarding a cruise ship, I turned around and waited outside until the song played its course.

Anyway, I kept a quote book while on the cruise. I figured that the quotes and the pictures would speak for themselves. Enjoy:

DAY I (5/7/06) – GALVESTON

Trevor: “What’s a ‘mustard’ and why do we have to do it?”

Upon returning to our cabin after the muster drill, I noticed my mom struggling to unbuckle her life vest:
Mom: “Help! What am I doing wrong? I’m stuck!”
Deals: [Quickly unsnapping the life vest and freeing Mom] “There you go.”
Mom: “How’d you do that?!”
Deals: “It’s okay, Mom. You’re just one of those special people that require some extra assistance.”

Trevor: [Looking nervously at the cruise ship docked directly in front of us] “I hope the ship can cut around the Carnival.”
[Five minutes pass…]
Trevor: [With obvious relief] “Oh, good. We don’t have to worry about going around the Carnival because the Carnival is leaving!”

Mom: “What’s going on right now?”
Trevor: “Well, there’s an alcohol tasting going on right now.”
Mom: “Let’s go!”

Mom: “Are we coming back to the bar before dinner?…I mean ‘the room’?”

Deals: "You know how I remember our cabin number?”
Mom: “No. How?”
Deals: “8046 – the years of our births!”
Mom: “Oh, right…Hey, wait a minute!”
[Note: My mom was born in the 1950s]

Trevor: “Okay. We gotta go. The theater is starting to fill up.”
Deals: “But the show doesn’t start for another twenty minutes.”
Trevor: “But I want to get good seats.”
Deals: “Uh, okay.”
[Trevor runs ahead while Deals stops off in the bathroom]
Deals: [Upon entering the theater…] “Where’s Trevor? Up front?”
Mom: “No. He’s upstairs.”
Deals: “Why?”
Mom: “I dunno. He seemed really excited about sitting in the balcony.”
Deals: “Why?”
Mom: “I dunno. Don’t make fun of him. He’s really excited about sitting way up in the balcony for some reason. Just go along with it. Poor guy – he’s just so excited. It’s almost cute.”
Deals: “What a dork!”
Mom: “Don’t call him a dork!”
[Upon finding Trevor and sitting down]
Mom: “Don’t worry, Trevor. I like where we are sitting.”
Trevor: “Yeah. We are way up high. We are above everyone else.”
Deals: “Uh, huh. Whatever.”

Deals and Trevor [in unison]: “Oh, no way! They are playing JOURNEY!”
[Note: Upon arriving in Key West the next day, I immediately called RR on my cell phone to let her know that they played Journey (her favorite band, like, EVER) and we thought of her]

Mom: “I cannot get a signal on my cell phone. You’d think they could put an antenna up on one of those floating oil derricks or something.”
Trevor: “Yeah! Or at least on a buoy!”
Mom: “Deal[s]! Quite laughing! It’s a good idea!”

Mom: “Oh, no! I entered the wrong number on the safe. It’s counting down. I think it’s going to explode!”

Deals: “Do you think that [the almost bride] will want to hang out with us?”
Trevor: “Probably not.”
Deals: “Why?”
Trevor: “Well, you went up to say ‘hello’ and she started to cry. I’m guessing that wasn’t a good sign.”

Deals: “I think I’ll cash out now before I loose any more.”
Mom: “How much are you getting back?”
Deals: “$11.50. I like how, when you cash out of the slot machine, it sounds like you are winning.”
[Not 10 minutes later in the theater…]
Mom: “Wow! That is a lot of winnings! How much do you think it adds up to?”
Deals: “$11.50.”
Mom: “How do you know that just by looking?”
Deals: “I’m Rainman.”

DAY II (5/8/06) – DAY AT SEA

Deals: [Calling Trevor on the phone to wake him up…] “Good morning starshine! The Earth says ‘hello’!”
Mom: “Oh! That’s from that WILLY WONKA movie that they play over and over on our one station.”
Deals: “I think we get more than one station, Mom.”
Mom: “Really?”
Deals: “Yeah. You just have to hit the channel up or down button.”
Mom: “Oh, that makes sense.”


Mom: “Hey, Deal[s]? Will you hand me my bathing suit?”
Trevor: “Where is it?”
Deals: “Right here. Uh…where are the bottoms? Mom? Are you already wearing the bottoms?”
Mom: “No. Do I need them?”
Deals: “What do you think I said?”



Mom: “Hey, Trevor? Did you hear that noise?”
Trevor: “Yeah.”
Mom: “What do you think it is?”
Trevor: “I dunno…the shuffleboard upstairs?”
Mom: “Oh, good. I was worried that we kept hitting a whale or something.”

[LOUD THUMP]
Deals: [Running to the bathroom and opening the door to find Grammy Pammy in formal dress laying in the bathtub…] “Oh, my word! Are you okay?”
Mom: “Uh, no. Does it look like I am okay? I’ve just fallen into the bathtub. Of course I’m not okay!”

DAY III (5/9/06) – KEY WEST

Deals: “I HATE Dan-Dan-the-Party-Man. It’s too early to be announcing bingo over the ship’s loud speakers – much less in multiple languages!”

Deals: “Why are our neighbors hammering?”
Mom: “I dunno. Why not? It’s a cruise. Perfect place to hammer.”
Deals: “It’s 8 AM! I hate them! Hammering at 8 AM should be illegal!”

Mom: “Deal[s]…wake up. Have you seen my watch?”
Deals: “It’s in your backpack.”
Mom: “My backpack? Why?”
Deals: “I dunno. That’s where you put it last night."

Mom: “Yeah. I ‘celebrated’ a bit too much last night.”
Deals: “But you cleaned up at Blackjack!”
Trevor: “Yeah. How’d you do that?”
Mom: “Did I really win?”
Trevor: “Yeah. You won $36.”
Mom: “Wow! Really?”

Mom: “I think I’m getting sunburned.”
Deals: “Here. Put on more sunscreen and don’t forget your ears.”
Mom: “Yes, Mom!”


Deals: “I like how they let us snorkel for, like, 45 minutes before they take us out of the water, put us in kayaks, and tell us that they’ve seen three sharks in the last two minutes. Then, just like a good piece of trivia, they tell us that Florida is the shark bite capital of the world – more than everywhere else combined. So, yeah, I feel secure.”
Mom: “I’m just glad I’m in a boat now…”

Mom: “What’s making that burping noise?”
Kayaking Guide: “It’s a bird. See it up in the tree? Yeah, they are like bats with wings.”
Deals: “Really? ‘Bats with wings’? Not ‘rats with wings’?”
Mom: “Shhhh…he’ll hear you!”
Deals: “Serves him right for messing up the cliché and making zero sense in the process.”

Deals: “I think we were the most coordinated kayakers out there.”
Mom: I agree. We were going really fast.”
Deals and Grammy Pammy [responding to Trevor’s laughter in unison…]: “Shut up, Trevor!”

Mom: [On the phone with her husband in Key West…] “Yep. I saw a dolphin’s ‘lipstick’ today.”



Deals: “Oh, WOW! It’s a kitty that looks like Gypsy. It’s a Gypsy Kitty!”





Mom: “Had I known we’d be walking all the way to Hemingway’s house, I would have worn different shoes.”
Deals: “The price of looking cute, huh?!”
Mom: “I know! It’s so unfair.”

Mom: “Oh, no! You killed the bunny!”
Deals: “I thought it was a swan.”
Trevor: “A swan? What a swan with two heads?”
Mom: “And big ears?”
Deals: “Oh…is that what that is? Oh, now I see it now. Why does his head fall off like that?”
Mom: “Well, it didn’t before you killed him.”

DAY IV (5/10/06) – DAY AT SEA

Mom: “Did you turn in the camera you found in the theater?”
Deals: “Yes.”
Mom: “Do you think they have my missing pajama top in lost-and-found?”
Deals: “Probably not.”
Mom: “Well, they might. I’ll ask.”
[Pause while Grammy Pammy goes to the desk to inquire about her missing PJ top]
Deals: “Did they have it?”
Mom: “They said that they haven’t found it yet, but I should check back later.”
Deals: “Right…just incase it shows up or someone turns it in.”

Deals: “You know Gypsy Kitty is an endangered species.”
Mom: “Really? Says who?”
Deals: “Well, she’s afraid of everything so she is constantly ‘in danger’!…Get it? ‘In danger’?!”
Mom: “Oh. Ha. Ha.”

Playing QUEST -
Deals: “Wait! I can’t get my bra on Trevor properly. Mom! Quick! Hand me yours…”

Trevor: “Why did you have to put lipstick all around my mouth instead of just on my lips?”
Deals: “I wanted to make sure that they’d see it.”

Mom: “Poor Trevor. He puts up with so much. Look at him up there in a long line wearing two bras, make up and carrying a purse.”
Deals: “Hey! He isn’t the only one who suffered playing this game. I put his dirty, smelly sock in my mouth!”
Mom: “I’m sure what he’s going thorough right now is worse.”
Deals: “Have you ever gotten a 'wif' of his feet?”


Trevor: “Where can we get false teeth?”
Deals: “Hold on…I’ll ask that old guy over there.”
[Pause]
Deals: “Does anyone have a comb?”
Trevor: “No. I don’t have a comb. Wait. Why does he need a comb to remove his false teeth?”
Deals: “He doesn’t. It just dawned on me that a comb also has false teeth and no 'old man spit'.”

DAY V (5/11/06) – GRAND CAYMAN

Mom: [Showing off the place on her arm where she got “sucked on” by a stingray during our ULTIMATE STINGRAY SNUBA excursion] “I got SUCKED! See my battle wound?! I hope it gets all swollen and ugly…you get more pity that way.”

Trevor: “A stingray gave your mother a hickey…”



The Captain from the Bridge: “The Cayman Trench is 25,000 feet deep. If you took Mount Everest, which at 29,000 feet is the tallest mountain in the world, only 4,000 feet would be left above the water. Now there’s some deep water!”
Deals: “Wow…our Captain is quiiiiick!”


Overheard while watching the evening performance in the cruise ship’s theater:
Trevor: “Why does she look like something from outer space?”
Mom: “Yeah. Like someone on Star Trek.”
Trevor: “Or Cher.”

DAY VI (5/12/06) – COZUMEL

Man at Jewelry Store (MAJS): "Hey, man...you should buy your wife a pretty piece of jewelry."
Trevor: "Actually, she's my girlfriend, not my wife."
MAJS: "Well, then you've come to the right place. We have a good selection of engagement rings..."
Trevor: "No, thanks. I don't think she's ready for that."
MAJS: "Oh, she's ready. She's a woman. Women like weddings. I think the problem is you. Why you no want to marry her? She's pretty."
Trevor: "Believe me, I'm trying. She's just not ready. Really."
MAJS: "Okay, but when she gets ready, you come back here to buy the ring, yes?"
Trevor: "Sure."

On our bike riding excursion through the Mayan Ruins:
Mom: “Sorry I’m going so slowly. It’s just so bumpy.”
Guide: “This? Bumpy? You haven’t seen anything yet.”
Mom: “Is it too late to turn around and go back?”

Deals: “I cannot believe you sabotaged your bike so you wouldn’t have to ride it anymore!”
Mom: “I didn’t break it on purpose. I hit a rock.”
Deals: “Sure. Sure you did!”

Mom: "You should have seen it. While I was in the shower, all the water was brown with the mud running off my legs.”
Trevor: “Yeah. I know what you mean. I showered and then got out to dry off. When I went to dry my legs, the towel turned all brown. I guess I missed a few spots.”
Deals: “Please tell me you got back in and washed better the second time!”
Trevor: “Maybe.”

Mom: [At dinner…] “At first I felt like I was holding everyone up because I was going so slow. But then I hit a rock and the chain came off. I had to walk the bike up the trail until I caught up with everyone. It was at that point that I realized that I could walk my bike faster than they were all pedaling.”

Trevor: “Oh, no! All the balcony seats are taken! Now we’ll have to sit down there with all the…the common people!”

Onboard Comedian: “Walking doofi.”

Deals: "Oh, no."
Trevor: "What?"
Deals: "Do you hear that?"
Trevor: "Hear what?"
Deals: "That song!"
Trevor: "What song?"
Deals: "The one that they are playing right now over the loud speakers."
Trevor: "I hear it, but I can't make out the tune."
Deals: "It's Celine Dion's MY HEART WILL GO ON. It's the second time I've heard it since I left Dallas. The first time was at the airport in Galveston. I cannot believe that they are playing it on the boat, though! It has got to be bad luck to play the love them from the movie THE TITANIC on a giant cruise ship! Are they asking for an iceberg?"

Sitting outside on our cabin’s balcony:
Deals: “I’m sorry, but it makes no sense to me. Why would we turn around and go all the way back to Cozumel for a medical emergency? Why not go to Cancun? Cancun is so much closer. Cozumel is, like, four hours away from here! Cancun is right there! Right there! And you know that Cancun has hospitals, too. Cozumel doesn’t have exclusive rights to the medical profession in Mexico, at least not the last time I checked. If this was really a matter of life and death, then I’d be worried that going all the way back to Cozumel might kill me! They don’t even generate their own electricity in Cozumel. They have to get it from the mainland. Something else is going on here. I smell a conspiracy.”
Mom: “I smell Mexico.”
Trevor: “Really? What does that smell like?”
Mom: “I dunno. Like a blend of sunscreen, leather and chili.”

DAY VII (5/13/06) – DAY AT SEA

Mom: "What’s wrong with Trevor? He seems a little down.”
Deals: “He entered his post-vacation depression this morning.”
Mom: “But we are still on vacation.”
Deals: “Tell me about it.”

Mom: “So, what did you think of the beginning of WILLY WONKA?”
Deals: “Nothing. I fell asleep. What did you think?”
Mom: “I dunno. I fell asleep, too.”
Deals: “Great. Now we’ll never know. As far as I’m concerned, there are only two scenes in the movie. One where Violet turns into a blueberry, and the other one with the cute, trained squirrels.”
Mom: “I don’t like that girl with the squirrels. She’s spoiled.”
Deals: “No. She’s a ‘bad nut’.”

Trevor: “Let’s dance.”
Deals: “Okay.”
[Deals starts to move towards dance floor]
Trevor: [Looking at dance floor and seeing no one on it…] “Why don’t we just dance here?”
Deals: “Because we’d be blocking traffic.”
Trevor: “No we wouldn’t…”
Group of Old Ladies: “Excuse me.”


Deals: “Do you think Dad would like this or this?”
Mom: “Neither. Get him a cigar.”
Deals: “I hate it when you do that.”
Mom: “Do what?”
Deals: “Assert the fact that you were married to the man for 23 years and still know him better than I do.”
Mom: “Well, yeah. Just don’t tell him that. It might take all the pleasure out of smoking the cigar.”

DAY VIII (5/14/06) – GALVESTON

Mom: “Oh, no! I just realized that I’m going to miss the soft-serve ice cream. Maybe we should just stay on the boat for another week.”
Deals: “Too late. They’ve already pushed our beds together in our cabin for the next people.”
Mom: “Darn.”

Mom: “And now it’s time for the cruise ship ‘hurry-up-and-wait’ routine.”

Mom: “Wait! You are going the wrong way!”
Deals: “No, I’m not.”
Mom: “But the door is over there.”
Deals: “No, it isn’t.”
Mom: “Oh, yeah. You’re right. Never mind.”
Deals: “Wasn’t that the whole reason you sent us to boarding school?…So, you could have children that could navigate airports like no one’s business?”
Mom: “Precisely.”
Deals: “Well, I’m glad I could be here for you. If I wasn’t, you’d currently be staring at a brick wall looking for an opening.”

~ THE END ~