A letter to Banner...

Peter Banning: "Now I want you to take care of everything that's smaller than you."
Thud Butt: "Okay."
Too Small: "Then who do I look after?"
Peter Banning: "Neverbugs - little ones."

- HOOK, 1991

Dear Banner,

House was exactly 10 weeks younger than you. I thought it was funny that 2012 was the year of baby boys with nouns for middle names.

The two of you never met because House was born right before I returned to work, and his mother was in real estate. We talked about it, but it just never happened. I was busy during the week, and she on the weekends. I regret that. I would have loved to meet the little guy and watch the two of you interact as only babies can do.

Who knew time was so short?

His mother and I have known each other for over thirty years. She's older than me, but we spent every New Years together at the ranch for the first decade of my life. Her family, my family, Rogan's - it was tradition for years. And one morning we'd all wake up to find confetti all over the ranch house – evidence of a New Year that I didn’t even realize was approaching. I remember going to Wal Mart with her and our respective mothers to buy string to make friendship bracelets. She was always older and wiser, and I looked up to her. Her dad always brought the four-wheelers, and she'd take me for rides to the peak and back. When I'd get scared of the dark at night, she'd be the first to comfort me. I have always considered her to be my friend.

Her deb ball had a miniature merry-go-round. It was white with horses. Of course, that was years ago. I was still a teenager. I don't know why I always remember that when I think of House's mom, but I do. Just like I can recall what she and her husband were wearing for House's big brother's first Fourth of July at Gore Park following the parade in 2008. They were both so proud to show off their new baby.

The last time I saw House's parents was at Courtney and Patrick's wedding the weekend after Amy and Adam tied the knot. His dad teared up when recounting a story about how House's older brother walked in and said, "But daddy, House loves you!" See, House had Down Syndrome and his daddy, by his own admission, had a hard time accepting it and letting go of the future he dreamed for his son when House was in utero. But he seemed to be making his peace with it, and realizing that the syndrome did not define his son or him as a father. It might not be the future he had envisioned for his little boy, but there was no reason why House couldn't do great things with his life. You just need to love and cherish the special ones a little more.

We talked about getting the families together. We thought it would be easy to find an excuse to hang out considering my father and House’s grandmother are very close and see each other often.

That conversation haunts me now.

What happened this week to House's family is nothing short of incomprehensively tragic, and it has been hard to be away from you, my sweet baby, for any length of time. I'd hug you all day every day if I could. I teared up on Wednesday night when I received my weekly email from Mom365, and realized I would not be seeing pictures of House this week on Facebook celebrating his 18th week in the world. My heart aches for his family.

Last week, House was at the pool with his grandmother lounging on a recliner. This week we attended his memorial service. What a difference seven short days can make in the lives of one family. They played Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star before the service began and Jesus Loves Me during communion, and I broke down in tears both times. And then House's mom did what I would have thought was impossible: she stood up and eulogized her son. It was heart-breakingly beautiful. She is a remarkably strong woman.

We didn't stay for the 3 PM service, but I hope many others did. We had left you with your Gran, and she had afternoon commitments she couldn’t get out of. It just wasn't possible to go to both. Still, I pray the other one for House’s dad was well attended. The family needs support right now and the more prayers the better.

I hope you grow up with your father's patient and loving heart, and are quick to love and protect and slow to judge and dismiss. Live each day to its fullest, sweet baby, and appreciate every second you get to spend with those you love.

And always remember House. The little friend you never knew.

I love you.

Mom