Between Babies: The emails continue...

Date: Sun, 26 Aug 2012 15:08:41 -0500
Subject: Re: To Banner
From: Nathan
To: Banner

Hi Banner,

About the street cred thing: The battle scars from your altercation are what earn you the respect of the other babies. And, you'll never believe this, but my cousin said that boys are not supposed to hurt girls, ever. No pinching or biting or scratching or anything. It sounds like something she made up, but what if it isn't? I've been wanting to ask my dad about it, but he keeps distracting me by reading me books and then I fall asleep. Anyway, I'll keep trying to ask about the girl thing, But for now I'm scared. Last week at daycare this 8 month old girl Jess sat on the other little boy in my room. He's like me and can't move around yet. How are we supposed to defend ourselves?

I have no idea what a vacation to Colorado is, but I hope it was fun.

Nathan
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Subject: Re: To Banner
From: Banner
Date: Sun, 26 Aug 2012 23:05:58 -0600
To: Nathan

Hello, my man!

"Vacation to Colorado" means your parents shove you in a backpack and carry you up mountains to stare at a lake, waterfall or something called a "view". It completely sucks. I mean, really: what is the point? I keep trying to express my displeasure but it is getting me nowhere. Today, I intentionally cried loudly in my mother's ear for an hour uphill, but did she turn around? No! I finally convinced dad to take me back to the car, but only after we hiked all over this stupid waterfall and took a bunch of pictures. But the kicker is that my parents walked to this same waterfall last year. Their memories must be failing them. Because why would you do something like that twice if you didn't have to?

Tomorrow they are waking up early to climb some mountain an hour away. I was hoping that meant that I got to sleep in and chill with Grammy Pammy, but apparently they want to "show" it to me. I am apparently being too subtle with how much I hate this thing they call "hiking". Any suggestions?

Oh, and get this: they have me sleeping in a pack and play in the guest bathroom! I mean, who do they think I am? I would notify the proper authorities but my cell phone is made by Fisher Price and keeps playing the alphabet when I try to dial.

The only good thing about this place is that I haven't seen a single baby girl since I arrived. I am kind of relieved after reading your email. Who knew they had a vendetta against us boys? Is there anything we can do to defend ourselves?

Boys rule and girls drool (obviously),

B
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Subject: Re: To Banner
From: Nathan
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2012 00:42:31 -0500
To: Banner

Banner, you faked being sick at daycare and got to stay home the next day. Would your parents buy it if you tried the same thing in Colorado? Sorry to hear about the backpack thing, my parents kept putting me in a baby Bjorn this weekend. It ended when my mom yelled at my dad for getting chocolate all over the outside. Not sure what that is, but I got to nap in my chair again after that.

Good luck getting out of the hikes.

Nathan
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Subject: Re: To Banner
From: Banner
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2012 21:38:39 -0600
To: Nathan

Yeah. Tried that. Mom knew I was faking. I think she has esp. It isn't fair. I totally thought my cough sounded real!

Today the parentals tried to make me climb a 13er. Threw a hissy fit on the way up. Mom has gotten really good at ignoring me, but I still have dad under my control. Convinced him, after mom let dad carry me for awhile, that we should go back down the mountain. The best part was that we were less than a quarter mile from the summit. Grammy Pammy and mom went all the way to the top, but dad and I went back to the Jeep. This hiking thing is totally not my style. I even tried to spit up on the backpack, but they just dried it off with a rag and shoved me in it any way.

In other news, picked up my first lady at a bar in Silverton this afternoon. She was a little older (10 months) and has unlocked the secret of crawling on her knees. We flirted for awhile while the parents had something called "beer". It was really cool. Best thing was that she didn't scratch or otherwise attack me. Maybe it is just the chicks in Texas?

Anyway, I wanted to get her digits but she left before I even got her name.

My mom likes chocolate. Dad keeps trying to sneak me some, but mom says I can't have any yet. I think she just won't share. If you can scrape any off your bjorn, send it my way. I am curious. Plus, anything has to be better than the avocado they shoved in my face the other day. Bananas=good. Avocado=disgusting. In fact, the only redeeming quality about an avocado is that you can puke green after eating it. This really seems to bother my mom.

Ciao,

The Banner Man
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Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2012 15:39:00 -0500
Subject: Re: To Banner
From: Nathan
To: Banner

Hi B-man,

Wow, your mom's tough to fool. Are you still having to go on hikes? I get out every once in a while in my stroller, but only when we walk the dog. And, my ride sounds much more comfortable than this backpack. Although, it can get kind of bumpy when the dog starts to chase after something called "squirrels." Then, my mom gets mad at him and it's all downhill from there.

Jess is getting out of control at daycare! During lunch today she stole my pass from my crib while I was drinking my bottle and then she started sucking on it. Man, I'm supposed to be the only one who sucks on that! She has teeth, too; she could have ruined it! How do I ask my mom for a new one? I'm glad you found a place where girls aren't so mean. I might have to give Silverton a try. I heard that Jess won't move to the next room until Christmas. I can't be sure, but that sounds like it's a long way off. You know more about the rules in daycare than I do. Can I file a formal complaint about her?

I can't help you with the chocolate this time. My mom threw the Baby Bjorn in the wash right away. But, my dad gets food on everything. So, I'm sure it will happen again soon and I'll have another opportunity to grab some for you. I'll have to take your word for it on avocado and bananas. They seem to only have milk at my house. Maybe my parents need to shop at a different store.

Peace,

Nathan
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Subject: Re: To Banner
From: Banner
Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2012 22:54:17 -0600
To: Nathan

Yo, my man Nathan! My mom wasn't going to let me have anything except milk for the first six months. Dad said she was being neurotic. Then she got sick and let me have some cereal at 5.5 months and some formula about a week before my half birthday. She's still pretty slow about letting me try new things, but she's getting better. Well, I say that and today she completely freaked out when dad tried to give me a French fry. At this rate, I will be fifteen before I get an opportunity to try finger foods. Sigh.

Sounds like Jess is a real bully. What kind of baby steals another kid's paci? That is so not right! Normally I would recommend filing a complaint, but when I tried against Emma no one took me seriously. I really need to get a handle on the whole English thing, because I've discovered that "waaaaaaaa!" doesn't work nearly as well as it did when I first arrived on the daycare scene. Works even less at home. Why can't a baby get any respect anymore?!

In the meantime, I'd booby trap your paci or hide it in your crib sheet. My mom also bought my paci a leash to counteract gravity (did you know that things fall to the ground if you let go of them? Coolest thing ever!). Maybe that would help? Get your mom to look into it.

As for the hikes, yes, I am still being forced to go on them. Today I learned that "walk" means the same thing as "hike". Mom even tried to disguise it by putting me in the bjorn instead of the backpack. Took awhile but I eventually saw it for what it was. Why won't that woman give up already?!

In other news, saw geese for the first time today. Thought they were cool until they all took off at the same time. Scared.Me.To.Death. I've had enough of the whole "nature" thing. Looking forward to returning to the big city.

Stay strong, my brother!

Ban

P.S. don't know much about Christmas except that I was supposed to be born before it last year, but didn't. Mom still seems a little bitter about this.
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Date: Fri, 7 Sep 2012 13:11:35 -0500
Subject: Re: To Banner
From: Nathan
To: Banner

Hi Banner,

I've had a terrible couple of weeks. Those other kids at daycare decided to give me something called a "cold." That was the most miserable thing ever. I never actually got cold, but I couldn't breathe, I was coughing all of the time and I had to see the doctor more times than I can count. At first the doctor wasn't so bad, but then they started sticking my heel to get blood, and I remembered all of the days before I came home from the hospital. Man, I did everything I could to get better after that. The most embarassing part about this whole cold thing was that I had to wear a mask over my face that looked like a duck. It's bad enough that I have to wear clothes with all kinds of goofy animals like elephants and monkeys on them. I don't know what my mom and dad were thinking by putting a duck on my face. I even had to wear it at daycare. I have never been so embarassed, I kind of know how you feel now about being scratched by a girl now. Geez, I'm glad that's over.

My dad's been away for a week now, and boy has my mom stressed about it. I wanted to try to make things easier for her so I decided that I really didn't need to wake up to eat in the middle of the night anymore (afterall, I get all of the milk I want at daycare). I thought this would make her happy because she could get more sleep, too. But it just freaked her out. She was constantly jumping out of bed and turning on a light to see if I was okay. I was fine, I just wanted sleep and here she was trying to wake me up. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make her happy.

Last night, I got to stay at home with someone called a "baby sitter." I still prefer being with my mom and dad, but a babysitter is so much better than daycare. This one was cool; she made me laugh all night. Plus, there were no annoying pictures like when my grandparents come. I don't know why my mom took so long to get me one of those.

I hope all of the trips in the backpack are behind you now. Thanks for the tips on hiding the pacifier, Jess hasn't stolen it again yet. I haven't been able to try to let anything go yet to see this "gravity" thing. I'm still trying to figure out how to hold on to things. I bet that french fry would have been good, but I recently tasted my fingers and I have to say, I think I prefer them to the pacifier.

Enjoy your weekend.

Nathan
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From: Banner
To: Nathan
Subject: RE: To Banner
Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2012 11:30:50 -0500

Hi'a my main man,

Sorry about the delay in my response. My mom has been running around like a crazy person ever since we got home from Colorado, and never put down her phone long enough for me to check my email (although, this also might be because I managed to get spit up INSIDE her iPhone's otterbox, and she had to pick dried puke out of the charging area with a toothpick for days). I thought "vacation" was supposed to help you relax and unwind, but apparently that only applies while on the actual vacay. Now mom keeps complaining about being "behind at work" and freaking out about something called "the state fair". I'd be concerned but dad is all excited about the state fair and something called a "corny dog". Don't tell mom, but dad has promised to let me try some. He says it will rock my world. I dunno about that, but anything has to be better than the strained prunes mom keeps trying to feed me. Those rock my world, too, but not always in a way I consider good.

I am so sorry about the cold, but glad you are feeling better. Aren’t those the worst? I’ve never had to wear a duck on my face, but mom is always attacking me with something called a “snot sucker” when I don’t feel well. Then she gags, screams for dad and runs away. She says boogers are her least favorite part of parenthood, which, of course, means that I go out of my way to get them on her. Dad is totally in on it. We think it is funny.

The sleep thing is also a lot of fun if you work it right. While in Colorado, I started sleeping for 12+ hours. Mom was afraid to go in a check on me because I’d been quiet for so long, so she’d make dad do it. Serves her right for making me sleep in a pack-n-play in the bathroom! Dad and I are going to have so much fun messing with her more and more as I get older. You should make a “mess with mom” pact with your dad as well. Dads are so cool!

Speaking of babysitters: HOW AWESOME ARE THEY?! I’ve got a great one named Molly. She plays with me and talks to me all the time in something called “Spanish”. I LOVE it. She also lets me stay up past my bedtime and fall asleep on her chest at night. Mom and dad haven’t let me do that since I was an immobile lump, and always put me in my crib nowadays when it is sleepy time.

Back before we went to Colorado, I faked being sick and got to spend all day with Molly. She took me to something called “story time at the library”. There were other babies there and the adults read us stuff from those book thingys. It was a pretty good way to spend a Friday afternoon. I’m telling you: playing hooky is AWESOME. You’ve got to give it a try.

Brox, Oliver and I have started a “boys only” club at daycare. No girls allowed. Of course, we can’t really keep them away, but we try. Caroline keeps trying to join us, but she is weird and keeps trying to put her fingers in my mouth and pet my bald head. I’m not really sure what to make of her, but she makes me nervous after the whole Emma situation. Why are girls so weird? I don’t understand them at all. How is the whole Jess thing going? Maybe you should make friends with the other boys in your class and form a posse, too? There seems to be power in numbers.

Also, have your mom get you something called a “cardboard box” in a couple of months. Best.Toy.Ever. I might like it better than paper.

Boys rule and girls drool (still)!

Banner