The one consistency though out my first pregnancy is that it has been one of the loneliest, most confusing times of my life. And I am not saying that because I am being melodramatic or because I am having a bad day. In fact, today has been rather uneventful other than the Rangers' amazing extra inning walk off grand slam victory over the Tigers.
Speaking of which: That was awesome. I stayed on the elliptical machine for an hour after lifting because the game was so nail bitingly tense and stressful to watch. I didn't even notice as the minutes ticked by. The Rangers finally pulled it out in the 11th inning, which brought my cardio marathon to an end. All in all, I burned 1275 pre-pregnancy weight calories according to my heart rate monitor, which makes me feel a little less like the giant fat a$$ I've become over the past 7+ months.
(I've decided it is all about the small victories in the third trimester.)
So, see? It wasn't a bad day. If anything it was productive and exciting.
It is just that being pregnant at a time when none of your close friends are is isolating. I do not feel like I have anyone I can confide in, and it is all so overwhelming. In an effort to help sort things out, I've asked the advice of pretty much every person I can think of with small kids and babies. People have been so generous with their time and answers, so I really have nothing to complain about.
Still, I feel so alone. What I wouldn't give to have a close friend to go through this with. Or an older sister with kids of her own. Someone I could really talk to. Relate to. Trust.
Because I am scared.
Trevor has been great, but he is just as clueless as I am. We've been trying to be proactive, plan and make decisions, but that is so hard when you have absolutely no idea what you are doing.
I also have some really amazing girlfriends, but they are either not in this particular baby-making phase of life or they live halfway across the country.
Conversely, the friends I have in the area that DO have kids or are pregnant are wonderful people, but none of them I would classify as being necessarily close to me. They just aren't the kind of friend I'd call in tears because my boobs itch and won't stop or because I got overwhelmed trying to register at Babies R Us for the third time.
And I get that my first world pregnancy problems are pretty stupid in the grand scheme of things, and I will probably look back on all of this and roll my eyes that I ever thought THAT was a really issue. But then again, doesn't everyone need someone to talk things through with sometimes? I doubt I am the first or the last pregnant woman in history that needs a little extra reassurance before bringing another human being into the world.
I guess what I am saying is that I don't want to be a bother to anyone, but I am feeling a little lost, confused and afraid at the moment and I have no one to turn to. I just keep thinking that everyone else is has real problems, and, well, my boobs itch a lot and my back aches and who the f*ck really cares. And then I cry because that is what I do. But I don't let Trevor see because he'd just think I'm being silly and hormonal, and I don't want him to know that I am freaking out (again) and my heart is doing
that thing (again) that makes him so nervous.
So, I stay up way too late writing a blog post about it all instead. It will solve nothing, but at least I might be able to sleep tonight.
And maybe tomorrow I will feel a little less overwhelmed and alone and things will get better.
Who knows: the Rangers might even manage a third win in a row against Detroit.
There is always hope, right?
