Jury Duty...

So, last week I received a letter from the "Department of Court & Detention Services". It is always very weird when you look at an envelope address to you from the "Department of Court & Detention Services". You know that it is probably just a jury duty notice, but you still panic (briefly, of course). For a split second you wonder if you've actually done something wrong, and been caught doing it. Like, for example, mounting an archeological dig in an empty elevator because your undies have retreated to a place better not mentioned. Okay, that's not "illegal" as much as "embarrassing".

I read in Cosmo (yes, Cosmo. I know. Shut up) that something like 37% of guys have been caught doing something...uh..."naughty" on camera. So, maybe (just maybe) the "Department of Court & Detention Services" is monitoring these incidents of elicit/delinquent behavior, and they are notifying me accordingly of my very public (or private) "wrong doings".

Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if I got a notice from the "Department of Court & Detention Services" because the Highland Park police had (gasp!) witnessed my dogs pooping in my yard. No, I am not kidding. Dog poo is a health code violation in little, ole' HP, and is punishable by up to $500. Funny thing is that my dogs only seem to poop in my yard. I do "dog poo maintenance" once a week, but I have to admit that I very, very rarely pick up the poo immediately after my dog deposits it. After all, it is my yard (well, sorta. I'm house-sitting at my grandmother's until the family can sell her house).

Anyway, since I don't pick up the poo immediately, my neighbors have apparently decided that I LIKE dog poo and bring their dogs over to add to my canine fecal collection. It is either that, or they KNOW that I cannot afford to live in "the bubble" and are making social commentary with dog sh*t.

So, sometimes just to be a bother (or, if you prefer, a mite passive aggressive), I'll let my dogs out into the front yard to poo when I see a HP police SUV (yes, they drive Chevy Tahoes) parked nearby. Honestly, it is a challenge to the cop. A dropped gauntlet, if you will. I want the cop to come over and try to give me a ticket for allowing my dogs to defecate in MY yard.

The same night (this was several months ago) that close family friends of mine got robbed at gunpoint over on Abbott, the HP police were busy giving me a warning that my dogs were barking "louder than the allotted number of decimals in Highland Park". This took...ah, yes...not one cop, but two. And they each had their giant, SUV cop car with them. So, the front of my house looked like a scene from Fox's "COPS". Nevermind the fact that the dogs were only barking in the first place because there were two strange men standing in my front yard (probably making note of each and every pile of dog poo for their upcoming "health code sting").

Sorry, officers. According to my dogs, you two are STRANGERS. I forgot to teach them the whole "cop uniform = good" thing. I was more concerned with making sure they were house-broken.

I'm sure my family friends would absolutely love to know that the night they were accosted, there were TWO cops dealing with a "canine noise violation" less than half a mile away. Figures.

Actually, it is a very smart method, if you stop and think about it. The Highland Park Police are infamous for arresting 99 year old women for minor traffic violations. I guess you don't have to worry so much about your personal safety or getting hurt on the job if your biggest concerns are absent-minded geriatrics and pooing, barking dogs.

Oh, and don't forget about your typical upper-class housewife. You gotta keep your eyes on them - they are bad-to-the-bone. They drive around looking for trouble. Case in point: one of my dad's "lady friends" was arrested (yes, arrested) for pulling a rolling stop at a stop sign. They handcuffed her, and dragged her down to the Highland Park Police Station where they proceeded to book her. Bail was set at $800, and the only form of acceptable payment was cold hard cash (no checks, no credit, no money orders allowed). Too bad that my dad's "lady friend" was driving to dinner and only had a few dollars in her purse. Too bad the banks close at 5 PM. Too bad my dad's "lady friend's" mother didn't have $800 in cash just lying around in her Highland Park mansion.

Conclusion: poor "lady friend" had to spend the night in jail for committing a rolling stop violation. I guess she learned her lesson.

Meanwhile, people are getting robbed a mere five blocks from the police station. Yeah, so that makes sense! Way to prioritize there, boys.

But I digress. Back to the "Department of Court and Detention Services"...

So, I get this letter and I open it half expecting it to be a notice that I've been caught doing something...well...bad. But, of course, all it really is a jury summons.

Which brings me to my next point. Has anyone ever read a jury summons before? I mean really, really read it? In case you haven't, there are three reasons why you can be "disqualified" from jury duty:

Number 1 - you are not, "a resident of the City of Dallas, Texas, and qualified to vote in said city elections under the constitution and laws of the State of Texas".

Number 3 - you, "have been convicted of a felony or theft" or you are, "under indictment for or other legal accusation of felony or theft".

Which leaves us with reason Number 2.

Are you ready for this? Drum roll please...

Reason 2 of 3 why you can be disqualified from jury duty in the City of Dallas is because you are, "not able to read or write".

So, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that you are not literate in any sense of the word. And then one day you receive a jury summons from the City of Dallas. How are you going to be able to read and understand what the typed font is telling you? How are you going to know that, "you are hereby summoned to appear in the Central Jury Room on the 2nd floor of the Municipal Building at the above address on [this date and time] for service on the petit jury in the Municipal Court of the City of Dallas. If you are disqualified or exempt from jury service under the law as set forth on this notice, you may submit the completed and signed form below. This must be received no later than the date and time specified for your appearance. Disobedience of this summons is punishable by a fine"?

In other words, how are you going to know that it is a jury summons to begin with?

Really. How are you going to be able to know what the letter is, much less what it is telling you to do? And, I beg you to please explain to me how - if you cannot read or WRITE - are you going to be able to, "sign the form and mail it to the above address" like the directions demand?

Personally, if I were illiterate, I think I would conclude that the City of Dallas was mocking me and my modern world disability. Of course, I wouldn't be able to reach this conclusion unless I found someone literate and forced them to READ the letter to me. Even then, I would still be unable to perform the task of A) signing my name, and B) mailing the form back to the address on the letter (this would require me to be able to READ the address in the first place as well as WRITE the address on to an envelope). Might as well command me bend the rules of gravity and fall up - it just ain't going to happen!

Which leaves me with what option? Going down to the Municipal Building on the date that the letter ordered me to appear? Can you imagine doing that? You know, walking up to someone in the building with your jury summons in-hand and matter-of-factly informing them that you are disqualifying yourself from jury duty because you are illiterate?

If I were the receptionist at the Municipal Building and someone walked up to my desk and informed me that they were illiterate and were, thus, disqualifying themselves from jury duty I would be like, "Yeah. Okay, sure. You're illiterate."

"No really. I am."

"Yeah. Okay. And I'm Garfield the Cat."

"Whatever, lady. I'm unable to read or write."

"Sugar. If you were unable to read or write, then explain to me how you knew to appear here today?"

"I had someone read the letter to me."

"Uh-huh. Riiiiight. We will let you know when we need you. Next in line, please."

Like salt on an open wound. Your only other option is to wait to be fined for not showing up to jury duty. However, the notice that you are being fined will probably come through the mail, and to find out how much the fine is for you will again have to seek out a literate person to READ the letter to you.

Therefore, at the end of the day, you are being fined because you cannot read or write - even though the fact that you are illiterate should have cleared you from all jury duty related responsibilities (and penalties) in the first place.

In other words, you need to be able to read and write to tell the City of Dallas that you cannot read or write. If you cannot do this, then you should prepare yourself for a fine. Because THAT makes logical sense?!!

I heard on the news the other day that 80% of the people that the City of Dallas summons for jury duty on any given day do not show up. Because of this staggering statistic, the City of Dallas has announced that they are going to start arresting people that play "hooky" from their jury duty responsibilities.

So, let's recap...

If you are illiterate and you get called for jury duty, and you cannot read or write to explain to the City of Dallas that you are, in fact, illiterate (thus, disqualifying yourself from the jury pool) then you now will be fined and/or arrested for being a jury dodging truant.

Apparently, simply being fined isn't enough. Now you run the risk of jail time because of your innate inability to read or write. Because, you know, it wasn't bad enough already that you were illiterate in the first place. Seems a little unfair somehow, doesn't it?!

At least we all can go to sleep tonight knowing the real criminals are behind bars (i.e. the illiterate jury dodgers and the upper-class housewives that commit the mortal sin of a minor moving violation). I'm sure that once we clean up ALL the dog poo in this city that we will finally have the time to focus on getting the rapists, thieves, murderers and drug dealers off the street.

Until then, though, please watch where you step. That pesky dog poo is EVERYWHERE!