Wednesday, June 22, 2005

So, have you ever wondered "why"...again?

I went to college in New York (upstate - not "the city"), and it always bothered me that New York State is not part of New England.

The entire concept of a "new" England implies that there is an "old" England somewhere out there (which, of course, there is). The same goes for a "new" York or a "new" Hampshire. The "old" York and the "old" Hampshire are both over in "old" England. Yet, "new" Hampshire is part of "new" England and "new" York is not. Same goes for "new" Jersey (a.k.a. The Garden State, which - by the way - is a whole other problem. "The Garden State" should not describe the same state where there is - in a geological sense - the "new jersification" (a.k.a. erosion caused by humans not thinking ahead) of the coastline. Apparently, the New Jersey coastline is a prime example of what NOT to do. In my freshman geology book, the term "new jersification" was used to describe man-made coastal erosion in places that don't even border New Jersey (one in particular was in California). But I digress...).

Anyway, I've had many, many people (almost all of whom were from Massachusetts, by the way) try to explain the logic of the states included (and excluded) from "new" England. None of it ever made any sense to me (but that is what you get when you are dealing with people that invented the concept of the "tree belt", I guess).

Personally, I think it is because Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Connecticut and Rhode Island are elitist. They are just jealous of "new" York and "new" Jersey because they have more electoral votes, more people and more pollution. Not to mention Wayne Mahar's red snow jacket and Doppler the weather cat.

Originally, the "'new' England Club" was only made up of "new" Hampshire, Connecticut and Massachusetts. However, they had to open it up to other states because they were kind of like the "band geeks" of the union. Plus, for protection against the jocks ("cool", "sporty" and "outdoorsy" states like Texas, Arizona, Utah, Montana and Alaska) there is a lot to be said for the whole "safety in numbers" thing (I should know. I was in the orchestra. Orchestra geeks are EVEN lower than "band geek" on the hierarchical scale of high school "coolness").

"New" York and "new" Jersey were excluded because they were way too sophisticated and cosmopolitan to hang out with the nerdy "band geeks" of the nation. It just like totally didn't work with their oh-so posh image, okay?! Plus, "new" York and "new" Jersey had girlfriends (mega-popular, head cheerleaders, Maryland and Pennsylvania) and didn't have time to join any juvenile, tree-house, boys club anyway.

Connecticut tried to convince Massachusetts and "new" Hampshire to let Delaware into the club. This idea, however, came to an abrupt end when it came out that Delaware collected New Kids on the Block life-size dolls and well as "Garbage Patch" and "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" trading cards. Not to mention the fact that it was public knowledge that Delaware still had issues wetting the bed (which really wasn't the image the club was going for).

The "'new' England Club" decided to let in Maine because it is the only state whose name is just one syllable long (this would be considered "neat" to a "band geek" who is really into trivia and watching Jeopardy).

Then they let in Rhode Island, because it was the smallest state (and that was kinda' cool in a unique and petite sort of way). Plus, if "new" England ever got big enough to start a rugby team, Massachusetts decided that Rhode Island would make an awesome "hooker".

Then there was Vermont, which up until that point had always been considered "eastern Canada" (New Hampshire was dismayed to discover that it did not, in fact, border another country). But the other states (except New Hampshire who abstained from voting because it was still bitter over the whole international border thing) voted to let Vermont in MAINLY because they felt sorry for it in a "band geek" to "band geek" kind of way (and because Vermont promised to supply the rest of New England with a bottomless supply of ice cream and Moxie Soda).

Now that I've insulted a good fifth of the states in the country - is there anyone out there that has a LOGICAL explanation for what constitutes membership in the exclusive "New England Club"? Why aren't the 13 original colonies all part of "new" England? That would almost make sense (sorta).

These are the things that keep me up at night (and, consequently, keep Sugar Free Red Bull in business).

11 comments:

Amanda said...

i never understood New England. why does New England get to have their own football team anyway?

there isn't a "Midwest" or "Gulf Coast" football team. The West Coast Settlers aren't a team.

apply your intriguing logic to that problem!

Heather said...

Deals, I love that you took a cue from me and started a blog, but did you have to make it so much better than mine? :) I love that you can still wrap your mind around complex ideas now that you've escaped graduate school. Your job must stimulate parts of your brain that have long since dried up in mine. I blame the job! And my asshat roommate. Because everything is his fault. Because he's a tool. Obviously.

Love, Not Peaches

P.S. You crack me up. I miss you!

Katie said...

LOVE the reference to hookers, rugby hookers that is. As a former almost New Englander for a brief year in college (I went to school in D.C. - which doesn't even garner statehood, so it is ostracized for all the clubs but looks longingly at the cool New Englanders even though it might be considered a Southern province – dang that Mason/Dixon line nonsense). Back to hookers no rugby, I played rugby in college and loved it up until I did irreparable harm that ended my career. My Texas buddies don’t understand the game: “you mean it’s like football without pads?” is their comeback. So thanks for the Northern wisdom and wit and the knowledge of rugby enough to throw out a word there.

Kim Plaintive said...

Not long ago I actually lived in Connecticut (I was there for three years) and I can report that Connecticut is quietly plotting to leave New England to hook up with New York. Almost all Connecticutters commute to New York for work anyway, and they claim fanship to the Knicks, Yankees and Giants, not to any “New England” (or heaven forbid, Boston) teams. (Connecticut has no teams of its own -- except for the Connecticut Sun, but nobody watches the WNBA.) Geography has allowed Connecticut to be part of the “tri-state” conglomerate with New York and New Jersey, so Connecticut feels like it’s cool enough by association to dump the band geek New England states. But New York and New Jersey just view Connecticut as the semi-retarded cousin that’s always tagging along (and New York, of course, would get rid of Jersey altogether if it weren’t for its cheap gas prices). If I were Connecticut, I would aim a little lower and try to woo New Jersey, but no one ever wants to hear that kind of advice.

Deals On Wheels said...

I am completely amused that so many people are with me on this whole New England thing. It has been driving me crazy for the better part of the last decade.

Amanda Sue, you raise a very interesting point. Why is it that states like Texas and California have two or three football teams representing them (New York City has two and New York State has three), and "band geek" New England - representing MULTIPLE states and a handful of large cities - was only able to muster up one?

Thank you to Katie, who picked up on my reference to rugby. I played in college (and briefly in London) before a shoulder injury ended my three-year career. Good game. Bizarre subculture!

Kim - I'm with you on the whole Connecticut-is-almost-too-cool-to-be-part-of-New-England thing. Personally, I think that Connecticut would have better luck wooing New York than New Jersey (oh, New Jersey). Too bad Connecticut plays "Pinkie" to Massachusetts's "Brain" all the time, though. At least they haven't had any success at taking over the world, yet (although, I do hold Massachusetts and Connecticut responsible for the entire "collars up" phenomenon. It's like, "Hi. I'm a prep. I'm SO sophisticated and Daddy just bought me a Lexis. I'm not your average drone-like prep, however. I'm dangerous. Just look at my collar. I'm preppy and unkempt - a walking oxymoron. I'm such a rebel..."

Thanks for reading (and a special HELLO to Not Peaches. So, you're living with a guy now, huh? What ever happened to "Cool, New Roommate Who Was Friends With Sea Creatures"?)!!!

Katie said...

You played in London. I am in awe, what postition? Were you the aformentioned hooker? You are right on with the subculture thing. It was a bit of a shock for me from little ol Texas and my sheltered life to step into that world, I liked the game though if not the "every one get slap happy drunk afterward and sing songs that would cause their grandmothers to fall dead by just hearing"

Heather said...

Oh, I still live with her (she still works at the zoo, too. Love her!) - it's a 3-bedroom rowhouse and we couldn't afford it without a third roommate. He's just soooo bizarr-o!

Deals On Wheels said...

Alas. No. I was not the hooker (although I SO wanted to be one). I spent a year as a lock (or "second row", if you prefer) and then became the team's 8 man.

Playing in London was interesting (to say the least). In college, I was always one of the tallest girls on the team. I'm not a giant or anything. Just above average, I suppose (I'm 5'10). However, in London, the women were HUGE. They thought I was kidding when I showed up to practice and announced that I was a forward (always the reaction you hope for...!).

It was fun, though, and I learned a lot. For example, before playing in London it never crossed my mind to shower BEFORE the drink up. We even had special "drink up" jerseys to wear to the events. Personally, I much prefer going to drink ups all gross (mainly because you generally leave a drink up covered in beer). The Brits are much, much more sophisticated in that regard, though. A drink up over there was like a tea-time bunch coupled with nasty songs and cheap shots of grain alcohol. It was kinda surreal.

Katie said...

Well we have that in common, I switched between second row and prop, both positions that you have to force yourself into a immediate comfort level with those around you. As I am tall and not of the running type I was perfectly suited as a forward, slow, bigger than most of the skinny girls running around, and mean (at least when I was on the field or pit or whatever the british word for the muddy pit we played on).

Greg said...

Um... I hate to interupt your "hooker" talk... but I am trying to comment here... I had a good one too... until I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

(kidding of course)

lol.

JLR said...

I'm still laughing at your description of the up-turned collar thing. Man, I hate that phenomenon. I seriously want to walk up to every guy I see with his polo shirt collar flipped up and smack him. I'm guessing they have no idea how stupid they look.