Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Please stop. You’re making my brain hurt…

One of my coworkers gets “dis-or-ee-in-TATE-ed”. Not disoriented, mind you. No, no. “Dis-or-ee-in-TATE-ed”.

Apart from the fact that there is no real difference in definition (at least, not to my knowledge), I have decided that one risks becoming “dis-or-ee-in-TATE-ed” (as opposed to “disoriented”) if they suffer from five or more of the following symptoms:

1. Insists that pomegranates and apples are “really the same thing”.

2. Is intolerant of the taste of anything with preservatives. Yet, routinely consumes McDonald’s, donuts, Twinkies, canned soups and frozen dinners.

3. Has intimate knowledge of how bad coffee is for the human body. Prefers, instead, to start the morning with a 40 ounce Mr. Pib.

4. Went to Texas A&M to study Architectural History. Was inspired to do so because of “the beauty of the buildings on campus”. Is not kidding.

5. Will not eat at any restaurant with a name that sounds remotely Middle Eastern. Thinks anyone who does “supports terrorism”.

6. Considers College Station to be the best place on earth. Dreams of returning to live there permanently.

7. Doesn’t believe in recycling. Thinks it is a waste of energy. Prefers to “conserve energy” by simply throwing everything away.

8. Chooses to put off obtaining a passport and plane ticket until ten days before leaving on an Italian vacation. Is surprised when forced to reschedule.

9. Assumes anything less than a five star “Americanized” hotel in Europe will not include a private bathroom. Cringes at the thought of sharing a toilet with “strange, dirty Europeans”. Wonders aloud why private bathrooms never caught on over there.

10. Is taken aback upon discovering that not all Italians speak English. Decides it is all an act to take advantage of American tourists.

11. Spends most of said Italian vacation price-checking plastic statues of the Venus de Milo and cheap replicas of ancient Roman coins. Manages not to see the Trevi Fountain, the Scalinata di Spagna or the Piazza Navona.

12. Believes that sagging boobs are a direct result of wearing sports bras while running. Refuses to do participate in either activity. Thinks anyone who does is crazy.

13. Is unable to carry anything heavier than car keys for days because of a pulled muscle acquired while playing tennis on a friend’s Wii.

14. Thinks diamonds are a waste of money. Believes it to be more economical to spend hundreds of dollars on a Cubic Zirconium than the real thing.

15. Doesn’t understand the need to accelerate while merging onto the highway or changing lanes. Marvels at all the “crazy, rude, honking drivers in Dallas”.

6 comments:

Amstaff Mom said...

Please keep this person AWAY from me. Just about any of the reasons would seal the deal.

Thank you,

The Management.

Katie said...

I could forgive almost everything until you came to #15

Deals On Wheels said...

AM: I'll try, but cannot guarantee anything.

KT: It's why I do most of the driving.

Jef: Orking, huh. You mean, like with killer whales? :P

Anonymous said...

This is why they made Aggie jokes...

Deals On Wheels said...

Jef: Haha! Nice...

Melissa said...

hey! you can really pull a muscle during wii. I think that one is VERY understandable