Is April over yet?

Is it possible that my bad luck will end at midnight tonight? Because I really hope it does. All this bad luck is giving me a headache.

Anyway, since my last post, the following has happened:

1. There really isn’t a good way of telling this story, except to simply come out with it: I was home alone and passed gas (There! I said it!). To rectify the smell situation, I decided to light a match. Simple enough, right? Well, apparently not. The next thing I remember was seeing the tiny, flaming match head flying toward my face (the paper match stem was still tightly pinched between my thumb and first finger, by the way). The ember landed, much to my horror and dismay, on my upper lip – leaving a small red mark at the point of impact (which vaguely resembled both a pimple and a cold sore at the same time). That wasn’t the best part, however. The tiny ball of fire also managed to singe my lip hair, cheek fuzz and eyelashes. Talk about adding insult to injury!

2. Was running late for early morning physical therapy appointment when I came across a man in a motorized wheelchair crossing the street. He was in a legal crosswalk, so I stopped my car and waited patiently for him to get to the other side. I kid you not – the guy stopped in front of my car and started cloud watching. Seriously! He was just staring up at the sky for no reason at all (yes, I looked! No planes. No birds. No nothing!). Briefly considered honking at the man, but decided against it. After all, he was in a freakin’ wheelchair! You don’t honk at people in wheelchairs! Plus, he was old and I was worried that the sound of my horn would send him into cardiac arrest or something ridiculous. Decided only recourse was to bang head repeatedly into steering wheel to relieve frustration (my head, not his).

3. Nicely asked child visiting museum to stop running, screaming and banging on the display cases. Nearly killed the little brat when he replied, “Yeah? Make me!” Best part?...His mom was standing right there and did NOTHING!

4. The museum’s foundation is a little…“iffy”. Consequently, the lecture hall doors stick a little from time to time. Managed to hit head with door while trying to liberate it from frame. Did this in front of a group of 4th graders who thought it was the funniest thing they’d seen. Ever.

5. Have lost keys. Twice. This is always a barrel of laughs first thing in the morning.

6. Am coming to the conclusion that I have both a bunion and planter fasciitis. Yes, I’m only 26. Am cursing the day I finally break down and call a podiatrist.

7. Was stood up by boyfriend Saturday night. This was fun...

8. Sustained abrasion on left forearm after being attacked by next door neighbor’s garage.

9. Got out of bed in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Ran into wall. Surprised to discover that one can actually “see stars” after something like this. Previously thought this was a phenomenon unique to cartoons.

10. Haskell spent the weekend coughing up all sorts of fun phlegm. Wasn’t so much of an issue during the day (except when said phlegm landed on the carpet), but severely limited amount of REM sleep for both dog and owner at night. After an early morning trip to the vet today, Haskell is on some serious horse-pills to treat his “upper respiratory infection”. Have decided that my dogs need to get jobs to help me pay for their vet bills. In the meantime, however, bought both Gypsy Kitty and Haskell a St. Francis medal to wear on their collars. Hopefully, this will help protect them from future health fiascos (at least until my bank account recovers from the past month and a half).

April showers bring May flowers, yes? Guess I’ll go to sleep and find out tomorrow. Here's to a happy May, everybody!!!

Incident Report for April (so far)...

Because I currently lack the creativity (or energy) to elaborate on any of the items mentioned below, I’m borrowing RR’s “Incident Report” format. The following has all happened this month:

1. Dropped eight (yes, 8) tables on my foot. Learned that it is possible to scream without making a noise (at least not one audible to humans).

2. Set eight tables up on lecture hall stage along with thirty chairs for noon meeting. Upon finishing, realized that the same tables and chairs were needed for another event upstairs the same morning. Was in charge of coordinating both events, so looked like an idiot.

3. Got lost downtown looking for an office building (supposedly) located on St. Paul. Wandered around for an hour before managing to get someone on the phone that was able to give me directions. Despite a physical address on St. Paul, discovered office building was actually located on Akard and Pacific. Upon inquiring why this was, the receptionist stated: “I know, right?! It’s like sooooo confusing. Lucky for us that the post office is right across the street, or we’d probably never get any mail!” (Note: I was delivering a package to the Dallas Convention and Visitors Bureau (DCVB). No wonder no one ever visits this city! I’m convinced that the reason behind the number of homeless on St. Paul is a direct result of the misleading physical address of DCVB. Unlike me, those poor people never found it, lost their jobs and are now living on the street).

4. Had to rush Gypsy Kitty to the Emergency Vet after she collided with something sharp in my next door neighbor’s backyard. Injury required two stitches and a lampshade. (Note: While Haskell’s post operative stitches were pink, Gypsy’s were blue. How’s that for irony?!)

5. The weather forecast for the day of a major OUTSIDE educational event called for severe thunderstorms, hail and tornados. As a precaution, I decided to set the event up indoors. This, of course, meant that it didn’t rain a drop. Later on that same afternoon, several tornados touched down in Dallas and Ft. Worth. Not understanding why all the sirens were going off, Haskell decided to hide under a bush in the backyard. Got him inside just before the golf ball sized hail started to rain from above. Almost knocked self unconscious trying to get both dogs into bathroom during subsequent power outage. Meanwhile, own mother was standing on her back porch collecting large hail and marveling at the strength of the wind gusts. Have decided that mother’s secret ambition is to qualify for the Darwin Awards.

6. Found myself confused over the whole Don Imus situation. Thought he’d gotten in trouble for making fun of the basketball players’ “hose” (as in “pantyhose”). Couldn’t figure out why the Rutgers’ team was wearing pantyhose in the first place (because, really…who wears pantyhose nowadays?). Realized later that Imas wasn’t saying “hose” at all.

7. Gave self the mother of all paper cuts while preparing a presentation for last week’s conference. Proceeded to bleed all over said presentation.

8. Cell phone malfunctioned/died the second I left Dallas for Austin.

9. Managed to forget the LCD cord to the projector, but didn’t realize it until twenty minutes before my presentation last Thursday. (Note: To my credit, I was told that the cord was in the bag by one of my crackjass coworkers. I even unzipped the case and checked before leaving the office. However, what I thought was the LCD cord ended up being a mouse, instead. Figures.)

10. Thanks to six weeks of living with dogs sporting lampshades (and all the unsightly half circle bruises that have appeared on the backs of both legs as a result), I couldn’t wear my cute, black skirt to the conference presentation I chaired last Thursday. Even more tragic? I shaved my legs only to wear pants!

11. Had to sit next to super annoying conference attendee for two hours on a bus. This same individual (who I’ll call “MAM”) was actively avoided by RR and me at last year’s conference in Beaumont. Unfortunately, MAM finally made a certain “connection” between myself and The Monopoly Man, and felt compelled to ask me 200 questions about it. Trapped on a bus meant I had no choice but to answer. Am considering changing my name and moving to Denver…

12. While at a late night conference event, I accidentally interrupted two fellow conference goers making-out in an upstairs exhibition room at the Bob Bullock Museum. Awkward…

13. Had some sort of flying bugs in my hotel room that only came out at night. They were big, black, winged insects that made a lot of noise (and appeared to be mating).

14. Tried to make coffee in hotel room. Was so tired that I managed to foul up the set up of the coffee pot, and (consequently) spilled hot water everywhere.

15. Managed to fall out of bed. Haven’t fallen out of a bed in almost two decades, but the ONE NIGHT I share a hotel room with a female work contact (who needed a place to stay in Austin the night before our presentation) I manage to do so. It may have gone unnoticed had I not screamed on my way down…

16. Was pleasantly surprised when Haskell brought me a large stick. Upon grasping it to throw, however, I discovered that it wasn’t a stick after all, but the leg and hoof of a baby deer. By the smell, it had been dead quite awhile.

17. While talking to one of the interns, managed to miss mouth while drinking water. The result: I half spilled, half drooled all over my lap and the paperwork she was showing me.

18. Took car to shop because BATTERY light kept coming on. However, as luck would have it, the light went out once I got there. After running tests for over an hour, I was informed that my battery was fine. Apparently, “fine” really means “couldn’t duplicate the problem”. Got impression that shop thinks I’m some sort of automobile hypochondriac. Now waiting for car to die at some inopportune moment.

19. Learned that it stings when you get liquid liner in your eye. A lot.

20. At a party Saturday afternoon, was asked if I was pregnant. This does wonders for the self esteem, let me tell you. (Note: I’m not pregnant.)

In conclusion, I’d like to point out that April isn’t over, yet. I still have the rest of this week to go. Le sigh…

FYI...

Probably should have mentioned this before, but I'm at a conference this week.

*Alas*

Normally I’m excited to get away from the office. However, this time?…Yeah, not so much. I’m presenting and chairing a panel discussion. In a word: “Ug.”

Anyway, feel free to talk amongst yourselves while I am away. Or not. It’s up to you.

And I’m off to Austin…

Newsflash: I am NOT a man...

This afternoon, a woman called me at the office. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Education. This is [Deals].”

Woman: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Uhmmm…education? This is [Deals].”

Woman: “Well, can I speak to [Deals]?”

Me: “Yeah, uhmmm, this is [Deals].”

Woman: “Oh.”

[Long Pause]

Me: “So, uh, how can I help you?”

Woman: “Well, it’s just that I thought you were a man.”

Me: “Oh?”

Woman: “Yeah. A middle-aged man.”

Me: “Uh...Okay?”

Woman: “And, well, I thought we had a…gosh, this is so embarrassing…a special connection.”

Me: “A special connection?”

Woman: “You know, in our email correspondence over the past couple of days.”

Me: “Really? Huh. What were we talking about?”

Woman: “The message board.”

Me: “The message board? You mean the [museum’s] message board?”

Woman: “Yeah.”

Me: “Really? A special connection from that?”

Woman: “Yeah. You were just so friendly and helpful, and took the time to explain why the board crashed last week to me and all. I dunno’. I guess I just felt a real connection to you. You really made me feel special.”

Me: “Oh.”

Woman: “That’s why I asked for your number at the office. I thought I’d call and, you know…hubba-hubba.”

Me: “Oh. Right.”

Woman: “But now you’re a woman.”

Me: “Uhmmm, yeah. Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to…well…you know.”

Woman: “Its okay. How could you have known?”

Me: “Exactly. I was just responding to your email. That’s all.”

Woman: “True. However, you really should do something about your name. It’s misleading.”

Me: “Oh? I guess I never really thought of it that way. Granted, my name doesn’t really have a gender associated with it. It’s never been a real problem, though. Not that it’s a problem now, mind you. It’s just that…well, you know. No one’s ever called the office and been upset that I wasn’t a man before. I'm not really sure how to react.”

Woman: “Maybe if you put ‘Ms.’ in front of [Deals] in your emails. That might help.”

Me: “Uhmmm, yeah. I’ll, uh, definitely consider doing that in the future.”

Woman: “You can’t honestly tell me that no one’s ever had this problem with your name in the past?”

Me: “People have referred to me as ‘Mr.’ in emails before, yes. It’s never been all that big of a deal, though. That is, until now.”

Woman: “Well, I’d do something about it if I were you.”

Me: “Yes, Ma’am. Of course. I’m so sorry about the confusion.”

Woman: “Of course you are. [Awkward Silence] Well, enough about that. Where were we?”

Me: “I dunno’. The message board?”

Woman: “Oh, right. The message board….”

That’s right. I just apologized for:

1) My name.
2) Not being a man. A MIDDLE-AGED man.
3) Discussing the status of the museum’s message board in a purely factual email (I’m sorry, what?!).

Stunned. I’m absolutely stunned. I’d say more, but I can’t. This conversation has left me speechless.

You all know I’m a woman, right?
(Because I am. Really.)

The cutest grandma in the whole, entire world...

In the category of: “Blink. Blink. What?!”

An actual phone conversation that transpired on Friday night:

Trevor: “Hello?”

Amy: “What’s the number for 444-FILM?”

Trevor: “444-FILM.”

Amy: “No. I mean, what’s the number for 444-FILM?”

Trevor: “Uh, 444-FILM.”

Amy: “Oh.”

[LONG PAUSE]

Amy: “How do you dial 444-FILM?”

Trevor: “444-FILM.”

Amy: “No. What are the numbers, like, before 444-FILM?”

Trevor: “You mean the area code?”

Amy: “Yeah.”

Trevor: “I dunno. Probably either 214 or 972.”

Amy: “Really? Uh, okay. Thanks. Bye.”