Incident Report for April (so far)...

Because I currently lack the creativity (or energy) to elaborate on any of the items mentioned below, I’m borrowing RR’s “Incident Report” format. The following has all happened this month:

1. Dropped eight (yes, 8) tables on my foot. Learned that it is possible to scream without making a noise (at least not one audible to humans).

2. Set eight tables up on lecture hall stage along with thirty chairs for noon meeting. Upon finishing, realized that the same tables and chairs were needed for another event upstairs the same morning. Was in charge of coordinating both events, so looked like an idiot.

3. Got lost downtown looking for an office building (supposedly) located on St. Paul. Wandered around for an hour before managing to get someone on the phone that was able to give me directions. Despite a physical address on St. Paul, discovered office building was actually located on Akard and Pacific. Upon inquiring why this was, the receptionist stated: “I know, right?! It’s like sooooo confusing. Lucky for us that the post office is right across the street, or we’d probably never get any mail!” (Note: I was delivering a package to the Dallas Convention and Visitors Bureau (DCVB). No wonder no one ever visits this city! I’m convinced that the reason behind the number of homeless on St. Paul is a direct result of the misleading physical address of DCVB. Unlike me, those poor people never found it, lost their jobs and are now living on the street).

4. Had to rush Gypsy Kitty to the Emergency Vet after she collided with something sharp in my next door neighbor’s backyard. Injury required two stitches and a lampshade. (Note: While Haskell’s post operative stitches were pink, Gypsy’s were blue. How’s that for irony?!)

5. The weather forecast for the day of a major OUTSIDE educational event called for severe thunderstorms, hail and tornados. As a precaution, I decided to set the event up indoors. This, of course, meant that it didn’t rain a drop. Later on that same afternoon, several tornados touched down in Dallas and Ft. Worth. Not understanding why all the sirens were going off, Haskell decided to hide under a bush in the backyard. Got him inside just before the golf ball sized hail started to rain from above. Almost knocked self unconscious trying to get both dogs into bathroom during subsequent power outage. Meanwhile, own mother was standing on her back porch collecting large hail and marveling at the strength of the wind gusts. Have decided that mother’s secret ambition is to qualify for the Darwin Awards.

6. Found myself confused over the whole Don Imus situation. Thought he’d gotten in trouble for making fun of the basketball players’ “hose” (as in “pantyhose”). Couldn’t figure out why the Rutgers’ team was wearing pantyhose in the first place (because, really…who wears pantyhose nowadays?). Realized later that Imas wasn’t saying “hose” at all.

7. Gave self the mother of all paper cuts while preparing a presentation for last week’s conference. Proceeded to bleed all over said presentation.

8. Cell phone malfunctioned/died the second I left Dallas for Austin.

9. Managed to forget the LCD cord to the projector, but didn’t realize it until twenty minutes before my presentation last Thursday. (Note: To my credit, I was told that the cord was in the bag by one of my crackjass coworkers. I even unzipped the case and checked before leaving the office. However, what I thought was the LCD cord ended up being a mouse, instead. Figures.)

10. Thanks to six weeks of living with dogs sporting lampshades (and all the unsightly half circle bruises that have appeared on the backs of both legs as a result), I couldn’t wear my cute, black skirt to the conference presentation I chaired last Thursday. Even more tragic? I shaved my legs only to wear pants!

11. Had to sit next to super annoying conference attendee for two hours on a bus. This same individual (who I’ll call “MAM”) was actively avoided by RR and me at last year’s conference in Beaumont. Unfortunately, MAM finally made a certain “connection” between myself and The Monopoly Man, and felt compelled to ask me 200 questions about it. Trapped on a bus meant I had no choice but to answer. Am considering changing my name and moving to Denver…

12. While at a late night conference event, I accidentally interrupted two fellow conference goers making-out in an upstairs exhibition room at the Bob Bullock Museum. Awkward…

13. Had some sort of flying bugs in my hotel room that only came out at night. They were big, black, winged insects that made a lot of noise (and appeared to be mating).

14. Tried to make coffee in hotel room. Was so tired that I managed to foul up the set up of the coffee pot, and (consequently) spilled hot water everywhere.

15. Managed to fall out of bed. Haven’t fallen out of a bed in almost two decades, but the ONE NIGHT I share a hotel room with a female work contact (who needed a place to stay in Austin the night before our presentation) I manage to do so. It may have gone unnoticed had I not screamed on my way down…

16. Was pleasantly surprised when Haskell brought me a large stick. Upon grasping it to throw, however, I discovered that it wasn’t a stick after all, but the leg and hoof of a baby deer. By the smell, it had been dead quite awhile.

17. While talking to one of the interns, managed to miss mouth while drinking water. The result: I half spilled, half drooled all over my lap and the paperwork she was showing me.

18. Took car to shop because BATTERY light kept coming on. However, as luck would have it, the light went out once I got there. After running tests for over an hour, I was informed that my battery was fine. Apparently, “fine” really means “couldn’t duplicate the problem”. Got impression that shop thinks I’m some sort of automobile hypochondriac. Now waiting for car to die at some inopportune moment.

19. Learned that it stings when you get liquid liner in your eye. A lot.

20. At a party Saturday afternoon, was asked if I was pregnant. This does wonders for the self esteem, let me tell you. (Note: I’m not pregnant.)

In conclusion, I’d like to point out that April isn’t over, yet. I still have the rest of this week to go. Le sigh…