So, what you're saying is that I’m allergic to Texas…

Yep. That’s right. As Haskell would say, “It’s official”.

And it sucks.

It all started with a doctor’s appointment last week. Just your average check-up. Well, that is until I had the following conversation with my doctor:

Doctor: “I see you are stilling taking Zyrtec for your allergies.”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “And how is that working for you?”

Me: “Okay, I guess.”

Doctor: “Are you still taking Benadryl at night, too?”

Me: “Sometimes. When my allergies are really bad.”

Doctor: “How about your eyes?”

Me: “I use Visine Advanced Allergy in the morning.”

Doctor: “And you’re still getting seasonal migraines as well.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Doctor: “And how many sinus infections did you have this year?”

Me: “Uh. I dunno. Two? Three?”

Doctor: “And all this leads you to believe that your allergies are under control?”

Me: “Uhmmm…”

Doctor: “You realize you are only treating the symptoms, right? Not the problem?”

Me: “I guess so. But…”

Doctor: “And, let me guess, you never called the Allergist I referred you to this time last year?”

Me: “Well, no. I didn’t think…”

Doctor: “Okay. This is what we are going to do.”

Me: “Uhmmm…”

Doctor: “I am going to refer you to another Allergist.”

Me: “I really don’t think I need to go…”

Doctor: “No? Well, I do. And I’m your doctor.”

Me: “Uh…”

Doctor: “This is how this is going to work. I am going to fill your Zyrtec prescription, but only for one month. That will give you plenty of time to make an appointment and get in to see the Allergist.”

Me: “And if I can’t get in?”

Doctor: “You won’t have any more Zyrtec, I guess.”

Me: “Well, that hardly seems fair.”

Doctor: “Maybe. Maybe not.”

Me: “…”


I don’t know about all you metapeople out there, but I’m not used to getting ultimatums from my doctor. As a result, I seriously considered not calling the allergist. You know, on principle. That is until my allergies flared up the next day, and I tried to imagine life without Zyrtec.

Well, no. That’s not true. FIRST, I considered changing doctors. Problem is: I like my doctor. Even if she threatens to take away my medicine to make a (stupid) point, I still like her. At least as much as one can like a doctor, anyway. Plus, I hate the whole getting-to-know-you phase of test driving a new physician.

So, like I said, the next step was to imagine life without Zyrtec.

Well, my imaginary life without Zyrtec wasn’t pretty. Just thinking about it made my eyes water and my sinuses burn. There was also the potential for snot. Lots and lots of snot. Not cool.

As a result, I broke down and called the Allergist. And, what do you know – someone had just called in and cancelled their Monday afternoon appointment. Oh, yippee. Lucky me (I know you can just feel my excitement).

After forcing the receptionist to promise that her boss wouldn’t tape a corn husk to my back for two or more days (don’t laugh. It happened to someone else I know) I took the newly available time slot, promised not to touch an antihistamine for three days prior to the appointment, hung up the phone and sighed loudly. I think I was secretly hoping that there wouldn’t be an opening until mid March of 2008. Or 2009. 2009 would have worked great with my schedule.

The three days without my allergy meds wasn't (by any means) great. I sneezed a lot and my nose was abnormally drippy. However, it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it would be (i.e. a snotty mess), which gave me hope that maybe (just maybe) my allergies were (mostly) in my mind. Funny. Hypochondria never sounded like a good thing before last week. Guess there’s a first time for everything.

Anyway, Monday finally rolled around, as did the inevitable scratch test. Systemized torture if you ask me. Not fun at all. There is nothing quite like lying topless on your belly while a nurse has WAY too much fun scratching the heck out of your back.

Then, as if THAT wasn’t bad enough, I reacted to NONE of the 80 some odd allergens! That was when I found out that the scratch test is not always conclusive, and a second test was ordered. I’m sorry…what?!

The next test was EVEN worse. 13 needles filled with different types of allergens were INJECTED into my upper arm. It was like getting 13 shots all at once. Seriously. What was the point in subjecting me to back scratch hell if you planned to follow up with something even MORE painful?

Worse still: the injection sites started to burn, itch and swell almost immediately. It was terrible!

Fifteen minutes of I-wanted-to-chew-my-arm-off later, I had my results:

Good News: I am not allergic to my dogs.

Bad News: I am (to quote the doctor), “off the charts reactive to mold”. Oh, joy. The building I work in has flooded twice in recent memory, the carpet has never been changed and the walls never dried out. Bet there is no mold around here, huh, RR?! I’m also allergic to pollinating trees, grass and all things classified as “weed” (as in Ragweed).

Apparently, the majority of my allergens exist in Texas YEAR ROUND, so I wasn’t kidding when I said I am allergic to this state. The doctor even suggested I consider relocating to a more arid climate. Thanks, Doc. I’ll just file that away with the hundreds of other reasons I have for moving to Colorado.

The only good thing that has come out of yesterday’s appointment was that the Allergist refilled my Zyrtec prescription. He also told me to keep up with the Visine and Benadryl as needed in addition to writing me a new prescription for Nasenex. That’s right. Even more drugs to treat my allergies. Yippee, skippy.

However, my FAVORITE part of this story is the following tidbit:

While I was complaining to the nurse about the addition of Nasenex to my already full daily allergy prevention regimen, it came out that Zyrtec will be available WITHOUT a prescription starting in January. That’s right. My doctor fooled me into going to the allergist by threatening to cancel my prescription for a drug that will soon be available without a prescription.

Yes. It’s official. I’m an idiot.