A different kind of iPhone dump...

So, sometimes I make use of the Notes app on my iPhone, and record little things that have happened so I don't forget. Except, I also forget that I made a note until I go to make another note, and half the time I can't remember what the previous note even meant. So, yeah, this is an example of a system that could really use a new system. Ideally, one that helped me remember what I had already made a point of remembering before I forgot.

I know. This is a personal problem.

Anyway, many of my notes are so vague that I don't even know what they mean any more. Like the one from July 8th of last year about "Vagina Tornados". WTF is that?

Or the note from last May that referenced a nap that Trevor had stolen from me.

How, exactly, does someone steal a nap from someone else?

(Although, if anyone could, it would be Trevor.)

I'm pretty sure Siri is using autocorrect to screw with me again.

Except both of these things *almost* sound familiar. Like when some says something and you think you dreamed about it once, but aren't entirely sure? Yeah, sort of like that, but I don't think sleep was involved at all. Except in the sense that I've slept since I wrote "Vagina Tornados" down in the Note app on my phone. Which is another way of saying that I'm pretty sure my brain resets itself overnight.

Anyway, the following is basically an iPhone dump of notes that I can actually remember and elaborate on. Don't worry. They are almost exclusively about Banner. Not vaginas. Or tornados for that matter.

***

Back in November, Banner started using the word "pretty" out of nowhere. His teachers thought he overheard it in class because Ebony and Natasha had a habit of complimenting the girls in the class if they sat still long enough for them to fix their hair.

Anyway, all of a sudden Banner started using "pretty" to describe individuals.

Trevor: "Banner, who do you think is pretty?"

Banner: "Emma pretty."

Trevor: "Is mommy pretty?"

Banner: "Alley pretty."

Thanks, kid.

***

Speaking of Emma, Natasha asked Banner back in December if Emma was Banner's girlfriend. He said yes, paused and then added Abby, too. But he holds hands with Austin (girl). It is very complicated. I'm so sad that these four aren't in the same room together any more! They've been together since they were tiny, little babies! When he ran into Austin in the hallway a couple of weeks ago, they gave each other the BIGGEST hug, and then walked hand in hand. So sweet.

***

Banner is not a big fan of diaper changes. Or putting lotion on after a bath. And he makes his discontent known by yelling, "NO TOUCH, MOMMY", at the TOP.OF.HIS.LUNGS.

10 points if he yells this in a public restroom.

***

Please note sock on hand.  MJ style.

The kid is super opinionated when it comes to socks. Sometimes he wears multiple pairs of socks at once. My favorite is when he wears two pairs on one foot, one on the other and the remaining sock on his hand.

***

We bought Banner a potty chair awhile back, and he LOVES to sit on the thing. But that is about it. You have to be careful, though, because every now and again he decides that Elmo needs to go potty, and I fear it is only a matter of time before Elmo ends up in the potty bowl.

***

Banner on counting: "5, 4, chicken, 9..."

***

When you hold up a tissue to Banner's nose and ask him to blow, he just says the word "blow".

In related news, he now says "bless you" when someone sneezes. It is the cutest. Even better? When HE sneezes, he says, "Bless you, Banner." He also covers his mouth with he sneezes and coughs.

***

Speaking of talking, we are officially in the some-words-sound-like-other-words phase. Don't know what I mean? Let's just say, my child isn't swearing. He just likes "trucks" and "shirts". Last night, he really, really, REALLY wanted to read the book about trucks. Except it sounded like he wanted to...oh, use your imagination. Trevor was dying laughing.

***

Why is my child crying? Because he asked for water, and I gave him water. But then he didn't want the water and started to scream "no, wa-wa!". So, I took it away, which made him really wail "WA-WA"! He wants it but he doesn't want it. It is very confusing. I can't win. Same goes for that sticker with Mickey Mouse on it.

Toddlers can be real irrational a$$hats sometimes.

***

They taught Banner "my turn" at day care. Which is fine, except now he always thinks it his turn for no reason other than he said "my turn".

***

Secretly, I think Banner misses Coco. For no other reason except Coco was an easy scapegoat. Last week, Banner pushed one of his friends at school. I tried to talk to him about the incident, and Banner immediately said, "Coco push! Nanner no push!" And I was all like, "Dude. Coco isn't even in your class anymore, but nice try!"

***

Banner still runs into Room 7 every afternoon, and tries to steal their crackers.

***

He is OBSESSED with trains, airplanes, trucks, water fountains and flashlights.

***

There is nothing more fascinating to Banner than watching Trevor shave. So, the Ban-Man commandeered my Clarisonic, and "shaves" his face with it every morning. Just like daddy.

***

We've been bad about going to church recently. It all started with several cases of Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease in the church nursery back in November. Toss in the ice storm, colds, a couple of trips to the ranch, a race or two and the holidays, and...well, we've only been a couple of times since Thanksgiving. And by a couple, I'm pretty sure I really only mean "once". I know, terrible.

Anyway, it doesn't help that Banner HATES the church nursery. I mean, he is fine if I stay with him, but he screams bloody murder if I try and leave him. And, believe me, I've simply left him before in the hopes he'd get over it in a few minutes. NOT.THE.CASE. And the nursery staff is always very quick to call/text when the kid starts to turn purple. I can't remember the last time I made it through an entire service.

Luckily, if his friend Payton is there, I can usually sneak away (especially if they go outside to play for a bit). If Banner is having fun, he doesn't notice I'm missing. But even this tactic wasn't working on the last Sunday in January. After multiple failed attempts, Banner and I ended up cutting our losses and joining Trevor in the main sanctuary just in time for communion. The good news, however, was that he was completely fascinated by the choir and organ (he said, "Whoooooa" when he first heard it). He even toddled up to the alter and took communion with mommy and daddy when it was our turn (he got a blessing because I was worried he'd unceremoniously spit out the wafer). Cutest thing ever. Almost made all the waterworks and hysterics all morning worth it.

***

Banner randomly calls Trevor and I by our names. Trevor thought it was funny when he first heard Banner do it to me, but found it unnerving when the tide shifted and Banner was suddenly screaming, "Trev-VOR" in Lampasas on the way to Eve's Café.

***

Yesterday, while driving home, a police car stopped next to us at traffic light:


Me: "Look, Banner! A policeman! Say 'hi' to the policeman!"

Banner: "Hi!"

Me: "The police keep us safe, Banner. They drive police cars. Can you say 'thank you' for keeping us safe?"

Banner: "Tank tu!"


About this time, the light turned green. The policeman was going straight and we were turning left.


Me: "Say 'bye-bye' to the policeman, Banner."

Banner: "Buh-bye, poe-poe!"


I almost cried I was laughing so hard. We spent the next ten minutes working on the proper pronunciation of "police".

***

How you know you drink too much coffee: When your kid "makes" you coffee in a tea pot and "pours" you multiple cups of "mama coffee".

***

When something goes wrong, it cracks me up that Banner says on of the following phrases:

1.  "Oh, no!  What happen?"
2.  "Awe, Man!"
3.  "Uh oh!" (one of his first words/phrases, but never gets old)


Sassy pants.

HAPPY WEEKEND, Y'ALL!!