On Yum and CEO's wedding...

Because sometimes the best way to remember an event is through the words of a three year old:

Banner: "I going to be in the wedding?"
Me: "Yes, buddy. You are going to be the ring bearer."
Banner: "The ring bear?"
Me: "Ring bearer."
Banner: "I ring the bell and become the man?"

Banner: "Yum and CEO are going to get married?"
Me: "Yes. Just like mommy and daddy."
Banner: "I get married too?"
Me: "Maybe one day when you are an adult."
Banner: "Mama, I'm already an adult. It's what happens when you no a baby anymore."

Banner: "Charlie go to the wedding?"
Me: "No, not Charlie."
Banner: "But Charlie my very best friend. We always go to weddings together!"
Me: "I think Charlie might miss his mommy."
Banner: "No he won't because he will be with me!"

Banner: "What's a tuxedo?"
Me: "It's a very nice suit you wear to weddings."
Banner: "You mean like a hat, a sweatshirt and a red dress?"

On noticing my manicure I got for the wedding...
Banner: "Mama! Your nails! Finally! They so pretty! You look like a girl! Don't you feel better now?"

Text to Claire:  "Banner is really excited about meeting your nephew. Keeps referring to him as his new best friend. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he thinks his name is 'burp'. #notsurehowtofixthis"

A quiet Banner is almost always a Banner up to no good...

Banner:  "Mama, mama, mama!  I no fall asleep in the car!"

Me:  "Yeah.  I can see that.  Hey, Trev?"

Trevor:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "So, apparently, we forgot to take the pen away from Banner after lunch."

Trevor:  "Why? [Looks in car]  Oh."

I'll ask him for his thoughts on the Kentucky Derby in the morning...

I should preface this post with the fact that neither Trevor nor I follow boxing, and it always blows my mind when I hear of another fight that I can order on Pay Per View.  It just isn't my thing, and yet it makes MILLIONS.

But it is almost impossible to escape all the hype surrounding the upcoming Floyd Mayweather-Manny Pacquiao contest this weekend.  So, when the DJs on the radio started talking about the fight, I jokingly asked Banner how he felt about it:

Me:  "So Ban?  Who do you think is going to win?  Mayweather or Pacquiao?"

Banner:  "[With authority and without hesitation] Pacquiao."

Me:  "Oh really.  Why is that?"

Banner:  "Because Mayweather too old."

Me:  "Buddy?  How do you know Mayweather is too old?"

Banner:  "Miss Stephanie said."

Me:  "Banner, I somehow doubt your preschool teacher is talking to you about Mayweather versus Pacquiao."

Banner:  "[Exasperated sigh] He too old, mama.  Trust me.  He too old."

Life with a three year old...

50 things I'm probably explaining to my three year old RIGHT NOW:

1. Why he shouldn't throw a stick in the air and try to catch it...with his eye.
2. Why he should use the cup in his bathroom to get water out of the sink...and not drink from the bucket in his bathtub that still has the dregs of last nights bath water inside it.
3. Why he still has to go to school even if mommy doesn't want to go to work. 
4. Why he can't wear his pajamas to preschool.
5. Why he still has to ride in a car seat even though he's decided he is big now.
6. Why throwing our silverware and dishes into the trash isn't really "helping" to clean up.
7. Why mommy's car can't play the "Hoo-Hoo Chaka" (Hooked on a Feeling) or "Gordon's Song" (Sundown) on demand.  Mama will get a new car that has modern things like Bluetooth...eventually.





8. Why peeing on the driveway, front lawn or random trees is never better than using the potty. Especially if you realized you needed to pee when you were inside with an actual potty. That tree really didn't "want" to be peed on. I don't care that Haskell "always does it".
9. Why he shouldn't wear his underwear backwards so Spider-Man is on the front.  Related:  Trying to explain what "wedgie" means and getting him to care (note: wearing your undies backwards gives you one).
10. Why if his shoes get wet, it isn't the end of the world.
11. Why he shouldn't still be worried about that June bug that landed on him two weeks ago. It wasn't a spider and it didn't try to eat him.
12. That just because daddy or Haskell did something, doesn't mean Banner should too.
13. That just because daddy never brushes his hair does not mean that Banner's hair (or daddy's for that matter) never needs brushing.  Related:  Hair brushing isn't just for girls.
14. That dog poop is very, very gross. Yes, even more disgusting than poopy diapers. (Ew. Stinky.)
15. That dancing isn't just for girls (although making Trevor dance on command to prove this is awesome).
16. That burping and tooting are not appropriate at the dinner table (or anywhere, really) regardless of how funny he (and his father) thinks they are.
17. That mommy's scrambled eggs taste just as good as daddy's, Jeeps and Molly's (Banner's not buying it, though. Sadly, mama has no skills in the kitchen.  I just never realized it extended to the quality of my eggs, OMG).
18. Why we can't just get in the car right now and drive to Colorado (regardless of how much I want to).
19. To please, please, please (OMG) leave all the tent caterpillars alone!
20. Why I simply don't fit in his battery operated hummer or on the back of his bike.
21. Why he really can go to bed if the sun is still up outside.  Seriously.  It is possible.
22. Why he shouldn't drink out of the fountain in the backyard. Yes, I'm aware the dogs do it. No, that doesn't mean you should do it too.
23. Just because his father taught him to drink out of the garden hose, doesn't mean I'm okay with it. It just means I have to stop myself from googling "why you should never let your child drink from the garden hose" ever again.
24. Why rubbing your hands together and creating a lather is an important step in the washing-of-your-hands process. No, pumping the soap onto your palm and immediately letting the water wash it down the drain does not count.
25. All the reasons why washing ones hands is not a race.
26. Why licking handrails is disgusting. 
27. Why it bothers me when I can't find the almond butter sandwich in the backseat of my car that he dropped.
28. Why getting a carwash in the rain isn't logical.





29. Why his robot cannot be fixed.  Related:  Why we need to be "gentle" with our toys.
30. Why cars need gas.
31. Why the moon can't hear you no matter how loudly you yell at it. Side note: the moon doesn't need a timeout if it is still awake during the day.
32. Why it isn't always possible to go to a restaurant for sushi.
33. Why touching everything in a public restroom (floor, underside of toilet, trashcan) is completely unnecessary and ew.
34. That saying "good night. I love you." To Gram when she leaves our house for hers is generally preferred by the woman who just brought him cookies over "Good luck. Be careful in your car."
35. Why it is important to listen - especially when he "no want to".
36. That even Peter Parker has to help pick up his costumes when he is done playing with them.
37. That it is exceedingly difficult to help him "fix" his puzzle if he keeps destroying it and telling me, "Mama, you doin' it wrong". 
38. That not all birthday cards make noise.
39. How to play Hopscotch.
40. That he shouldn't say "oh, sh*t".  #thanksTrevor





41. Why stepping in dog poo, getting his head stuck between the bars of a metal fence AND spraying himself in the face with wasp spray in the same evening is going to send his mother to an early grave.
42. That Jacuzzi bathtubs are fun, not terrifying.
43. That garlic bread is yummy (even if it is "stinky").
44. That oversized t-shirts are not dresses.  #thanksagainTrevor
45. Where his grandmas are.
46. The difference between "yesterday", "tomorrow" and "this weekend".  Time makes no sense to a three year old.
47. Why tearing a big piece of paper in two (so he can make two drawings instead of one) isn't "breaking the paper".  Related:  No need for hysterics. 
48. Why he should always ask for help before pouring his own milk (this is also why the milk is now stored on the top shelf of the fridge).
49. All the reasons the statement "time for bed" isn't a question.
50. How wonderful it was for him to help pick up trash for Earth Day, but "being a good sharer" doesn't mean he should also throw HIS trash on the ground so "someone else can do good by helping pick up trash, too."

Oh, and because I couldn't get the video to upload in the mist of bullets, here's a visual of #39 (you're welcome):

Bannerisms...

Amy:  "Oh, look!  He found a place that wasn't wet yet."

Banner: "I'm thirsty."
Me: "You've had a lot of water buddy. Let's give it a bit, okay? I don't want you to explode."
Banner: "But my tummy says, [in a very high pitched voice] 'I really thirsty'!"

Calls Trevor's iPad "the mat".

Banner: "[From his bed] Mom! I'm finished with my lollipop!"
Me: "Lollipop? What lollipop? You are supposed to be going to bed!"
Banner: "This lollipop [shows me stem]. It was yummy but now I'm all sticky."
Me: "Banner, I'm confused. Those are brand new sheets fresh out of the dryer. Where did you stash a lollipop?"
Banner: "[Without hesitation] My butt."

Banner:  "C'mon, 'Pencer.  Let's play 'bayball."
Spencer:  "Do you think we are doing him a disservice by not teaching him to bat right handed first?"
Trevor:  "I dunno.  Good point."
Me:  "OMG, he is THREE."

Banner: "[During one of the snow days] Mom! Mom! I'm turning to ice! Just like Captain America!"

Unhappy pancake that he insisted on at Legal Grounds over the regular happy pancake.
(He was thrilled)

Me: "What do you want for breakfast?"
Banner: "Ice cream."
Me: "Yeah, no. Do you want a pancake? Egg? Waffle?"
Banner: "Cupcake?"
Me: "I don't think you understand how breakfast works."
Banner: "No! You no understand! I tell you what I want already!"

[Note:  He had a muffin with fruit.]

Banner: "Mom! Gypsy eat my food!"
Mom: "She couldn't have, buddy. She's on her dog bed. Did you really feed your food to one of the other dogs?"
Banner: "No, Gypsy just really, really fast."

Banner: "I gotta go potty."
Trev: "Need me to go with you?"
Banner: "No, don't come with me daddy."
Trev: "Why not?"
Banner: "Because I gotta put my potty face on."

Mr. Garcia: "Who is happy?"

[Whole class raises their hands except Banner.]

Banner: "I no happy."
Mr. Garcia: "I'm sorry, Banner, but I bet you've been happy at some point before. Now, who has ever been tired?"
Banner: "I'm tired now."
Mr. Garcia: "I know, buddy. Now who has ever been scared?"
Banner: "Me.  I'm scared now."
Mr. Garcia: "I'm sensing a trend here."
Trevor: "So, he's scared and tired?"
Me: "But decidedly not happy."

Trevor: "[Loud toot] Uh oh! I must have stepped on a frog!"
Banner: "Daddy there's no frog. You pooted. Say 'cuse me'."

In the same vein (because discussions about toots, poop and burps just never get old at my house):

Trevor: "Oops! I stepped on a frog!"
Banner: "Poor frog. Sorry frog!"

Trevor: "It's because you are tired."
Banner: "I'm not tired! I'm sleepy!"

Banner: "Oh no! Mommy! There's bleed on my ear!"

Me: "[While walking to dinner] I need to pee."
Banner: "There's a tree over there, mama!"

Banner: "I no listen today, daddy."
Trev: "Why not?"
Banner: "Because I no want to."

In same "I no listen" vein...

Banner: "I had to sit on the wall today."
Me: "Why?"
Banner: "I no listen."
Me: "Why not? You should listen to your teachers, Banner."
Banner: "But I just want to play!"

Me: "[After discovering that he had eaten four or five packages of gummy bunnies while stuffing Easter eggs] OMG! Did you just eat all these? No more gummy bunnies!"
Banner: "I know! No more left to eat! They all gone!"

He is VERY good at puzzles.

Me: "Banner, you look so handsome!
Banner: "[Giggling in an ah, shucks way] Stop it, mama!"

Me: "Banner eat your broccoli."
Banner: "[Moving the broccoli to my plate] No thank you!"
Trevor: "But Charlie loves broccoli! Charlie always eats his broccoli!"
Banner: "Well then Charlie can have it!"

Trevor: "Where's Banner? It's too quiet."

[Goes looking for him.]

Banner: "[Upon having the door to his bedroom opened and being discovered eating a bag of jellybeans he had stolen from his Easter basket] I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!"

Banner: "I like your shoes, Amy!"
Amy: "Thanks! They make me run fast!"
Banner: "[Referencing his flip flops] Oh, my shoes make me fall down."
Amy: "That's quite the superpower."

Banner IS really good at drawing "robots".
(That is a robot above.  It has hair.)

Banner: "Daddy draw a castle!"


[Trevor proceeds to draw a castle with sidewalk chalk on the backyard patio]

Banner: "That's not a very good castle. You must not be a good drawer. Sorry 'bout that, daddy."

Trevor: "Get ready to take a shower or you are going to have to go straight to bed. I'm going to count to 3. 1...2..."
Banner: "Daddy! No count to three! I'm a big boy not a baby!"

Me: "C'mon buddy. You are stalling. Time for bed."
Banner: "No! I gotta potty! Big poo poo coming out!"

[Finally a small splash]

Banner: "[Looking a world's tiniest poop and considering it for a moment] Well, it felt a lot bigger."

Anni: "[Referencing photo above via text] Please tell me that's a pickle and not a log of poo."
Me: "He dropped that pickle on the floor, wrestled it away from the dog and just ate it. I watched the whole thing. #proud parent."
Anni: "That's amazing."
Me: "The alternative was the dog eating it which would have been cause for a meltdown. I was torn. If he won, the pickle had totally been licked by the dog. If he lost, meltdown. Parenting is hard."

It is official. 
Banner is the youngest Gordon Lightfoot fan on the planet.

Trevor:  "Banner, I don't think your socks match.  One comes up to your knee and the other doesn't."
Banner:  "Yes, they do, daddy."
Trevor:  "What is on that foot."
Banner:  "Batman."
Trevor:  "And that foot?"
Banner:  "An eyeball."
Trevor:  "See?  They aren't the same!"
Banner:  "Yes, they are! "
Trevor:  "I don't think you understand what 'same' means, buddy."
Banner:  "No, YOU no understand, daddy."



Trevor:  "I told him to go put on a hat and this happened.  I'm just going with it."

Me:  "Does this dress make mama look pretty?"

Banner:  "No, but I can go get you a sticker.  That will help."

The next day...

Banner:  "Mama, why you no wear this dress?"

Me:  "I just couldn't get it to look right."

Banner:  "Well, it much prettier than that dress you wearing now."

Last night...

Banner:  "Here some stickers, mama!  I make you look pretty for dinner."

Me:  "Thanks, buddy!  But I just got out of the shower.  They won't stick to me right now."

[Banner proceeds to try and stick stickers on me anyway.]

Me:  "You know what, why don't you go ahead and decorate this shirt and I'll wear it to dinner?"

Banner:  "Okay, mama."

[Upon leaving the house for dinner with Mimi and Baa...]

Trevor:  "Wow.  So...uh.  That's a lot of stickers."

Me:  "Yeah, I wasn't going to wear this shirt, but Banner went to so much trouble to make me look nice."

Trevor:  "Banner, did you make mommy look pretty?"

Banner:  "Yep.  She pretty now.  I have to use A LOT of stickers."

Riding to the park clearly requires driving gloves.

Banner:  "Old MacDonald had a farm!  E-I-E-I-O!"
Me:  "Buddy, it isn't nice to sing at the dinner table."
Banner:  "Why not?"
Trevor:  "Because it might bother the people at the other tables."
Me:  "We can have a singing party in the car on the way home, if you want."
Banner:  "But I want to sing now!  I might not want to later."

QOTD...

Me:  "Banner, are you a big boy just like daddy?"

Banner:  "No.  Daddy is a big boy just like me."

 

Clearly.

Trevor promised to take him camping, so this keeps happening...

In related news, Banner has gotten waaaaaay too comfortable peeing outside.  I blame Trevor and our attempts at potty training on top of a mountain back in August.

Not long after the lower two pictures were taken, Banner announced he had to pee and immediately dropped trou.  He was alarming close to my head (I was lying on the ground), so I told him to quickly relocate to his big boy potty inside.  He complied, and ran inside sans pants.  I stayed behind briefly in the backyard to gather up all the blankets, his pants, miscellaneous toys, etc.

And that's when I heard it. 

DING DONG!

The doorbell ran, the dogs went crazy and - most alarmingly - I heard Banner veer off course AND OPEN THE FRONT DOOR.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!

I immediately dropped everything, and ran inside only to discover the following:

1. Haskell "hiding" on his bed.
2. My son, without pants, standing in front of a very open front door screaming for Alley.
3. Alley SPRINTING across the front yard for the street.
4. Gypsy eagerly greeting a very confused looking cub scout and his father on our front porch.

I confess:  I just stood there for a split second not knowing what to do or where to start.

Since the most pressing issue seemed to be my suicidal dog, I ran after her first, convinced her freedom wasn't all it was cracked up to be and got her (and Gypsy) back in the house.  Then, I told Banner to go to the potty before he had an accident (he did and - thank goodness - returned wearing pants).  Then, and only then, did I turn my attention to the poor cub scout and his dad, who - bless them - were only trying to sell popcorn to raise money for their troop. 

I tried to apologize by buying the biggest box I could find.  Banner was thrilled we had visitors, the dad seemed amused by the entire spectacle and his son left with renewed hope that he might be able to raise enough money to qualify for a prize.  Hopefully a win-win for all.

Except for me, and my poor mortified heart.  ;P

Banner talks (Colorado edition)...

This is my last Colorado post, I promise. It's just that Banner is finally getting to an age where he says the most hysterical things, and I wanted to document some of my favorites.

On haircuts:
Trevor:  "Wanna get a haircut when we get back to Dallas?"
Banner:  "Yeah! I wanna get a doughnut!"

On hiking:
"I wanna climb Rocky the Mountain!"

On playing chase in the front yard:
"Daddy don't chase me! I wanna be the monster!"

Some of the things we overheard as "Thomas" (a.k.a. Durango/Silverton the narrow gauge railroad) chugged by:

• "Ah!  THOMAS!"
• "Thomas time out!" 
• "Thomas hungee!" 
• "Thomas sleepy!" 
• "Thomas say 'sorry'!"
• "I wanna ride baby Thomas!"
• "Ride Thomas today?"
• "Oh, no!  I miss Thomas!"
• "Thomas, where are you?"

On the tantrum he threw on the way back down from Ice Lakes while on mommy's back:
Me:  "Banner you did it, dude!  You are awesome!  That was a long day, buddy!"
Banner:  "No, I no awesome. I hit mommy."

On hiking (in general):

• "I like hikin."
• "Mo hike tomorrow?"
• "I wanna ride in mama's pack pack."

On Ouray::

Me:  "Wanna go to Ouray?"
Banner: "No, I no wanna go my way!"

On Grammy Pammy:

• "Jeep I got a cracker for you! Eat it!"
• "Sad, sad Jeep!"

On songs he sang (a lot):

• "Finkle finkle little star..."
• "Wain, Wain go away!  Go again some udder day!"
• "Mama, Mama, Mama!  It's BOOM CLAP song!  BOOM! CLAP!"

On proper pronunciation:

Mom:  "You need to teach him to pronounce 'bridge'!"
Trevor:  "Why?"
Mom:  "Because you going to get a call from his school!"

Speaking of, Banner mispronounces the following:

• Calls Schnitzel "shizzle"
• "I found it" sounds like "I farted"
• "Push it" sounds like "bullish*t"
• "Bridge" sounds like "b*tch"
• "Goldfish" sounds like "doofus"
• And "Percy" (the train) sounds like...well, you know.

At least we can finally say "truck" without causing little, old ladies to inhale sharply.  

Baby steps.

How to improve an outfit that already involves last night's pajama top and yesterday's dirty shorts...

"I wanna moo-hawk, mama."