Thursday, April 30, 2015

Life with a three year old...

50 things I'm probably explaining to my three year old RIGHT NOW:
  1. Why he shouldn't throw a stick in the air and try to catch it...with his eye.
  2. Why he should use the cup in his bathroom to get water out of the sink...and not drink from the bucket in his bathtub that still has the dregs of last nights bath water inside it.
  3. Why he still has to go to school even if mommy doesn't want to go to work. 
  4. Why he can't wear his pajamas to preschool.
  5. Why he still has to ride in a car seat even though he's decided he is big now.
  6. Why throwing our silverware and dishes into the trash isn't really "helping" to clean up.
  7. Why mommy's car can't play the "Hoo-Hoo Chaka" (Hooked on a Feeling) or "Gordon's Song" (Sundown) on demand.  Mama will get a new car that has modern things like Bluetooth...eventually.

  8. Why peeing on the driveway, front lawn or random trees is never better than using the potty. Especially if you realized you needed to pee when you were inside with an actual potty. That tree really didn't "want" to be peed on. I don't care that Haskell "always does it".
  9. Why he shouldn't wear his underwear backwards so Spider-Man is on the front.  Related:  Trying to explain what "wedgie" means and getting him to care (note: wearing your undies backwards gives you one).
  10. Why if his shoes get wet, it isn't the end of the world.
  11. Why he shouldn't still be worried about that June bug that landed on him two weeks ago. It wasn't a spider and it didn't try to eat him.
  12. That just because daddy or Haskell did something, doesn't mean Banner should too.
  13. That just because daddy never brushes his hair does not mean that Banner's hair (or daddy's for that matter) never needs brushing.  Related:  Hair brushing isn't just for girls.
  14. That dog poop is very, very gross. Yes, even more disgusting than poopy diapers. (Ew. Stinky.)
  15. That dancing isn't just for girls (although making Trevor dance on command to prove this is awesome).
  16. That burping and tooting are not appropriate at the dinner table (or anywhere, really) regardless of how funny he (and his father) thinks they are.
  17. That mommy's scrambled eggs taste just as good as daddy's, Jeeps and Molly's (Banner's not buying it, though. Sadly, mama has no skills in the kitchen.  I just never realized it extended to the quality of my eggs, OMG).
  18. Why we can't just get in the car right now and drive to Colorado (regardless of how much I want to).
  19. To please, please, please (OMG) leave all the tent caterpillars alone!
  20. Why I simply don't fit in his battery operated hummer or on the back of his bike.
  21. Why he really can go to bed if the sun is still up outside.  Seriously.  It is possible.
  22. Why he shouldn't drink out of the fountain in the backyard. Yes, I'm aware the dogs do it. No, that doesn't mean you should do it too.
  23. Just because his father taught him to drink out of the garden hose, doesn't mean I'm okay with it. It just means I have to stop myself from googling "why you should never let your child drink from the garden hose" ever again.
  24. Why rubbing your hands together and creating a lather is an important step in the washing-of-your-hands process. No, pumping the soap onto your palm and immediately letting the water wash it down the drain does not count.
  25. All the reasons why washing ones hands is not a race.
  26. Why licking handrails is disgusting. 
  27. Why it bothers me when I can't find the almond butter sandwich in the backseat of my car that he dropped.
  28. Why getting a carwash in the rain isn't logical.

  29. Why his robot cannot be fixed.  Related:  Why we need to be "gentle" with our toys.
  30. Why cars need gas.
  31. Why the moon can't hear you no matter how loudly you yell at it. Side note: the moon doesn't need a timeout if it is still awake during the day.
  32. Why it isn't always possible to go to a restaurant for sushi.
  33. Why touching everything in a public restroom (floor, underside of toilet, trashcan) is completely unnecessary and ew.
  34. That saying "good night. I love you." To Gram when she leaves our house for hers is generally preferred by the woman who just brought him cookies over "Good luck. Be careful in your car."
  35. Why it is important to listen - especially when he "no want to".
  36. That even Peter Parker has to help pick up his costumes when he is done playing with them.
  37. That it is exceedingly difficult to help him "fix" his puzzle if he keeps destroying it and telling me, "Mama, you doin' it wrong". 
  38. That not all birthday cards make noise.
  39. How to play Hopscotch.
  40. That he shouldn't say "oh, sh*t".  #thanksTrevor

  41. Why stepping in dog poo, getting his head stuck between the bars of a metal fence AND spraying himself in the face with wasp spray in the same evening is going to send his mother to an early grave.
  42. That Jacuzzi bathtubs are fun, not terrifying.
  43. That garlic bread is yummy (even if it is "stinky").
  44. That oversized t-shirts are not dresses.  #thanksagainTrevor
  45. Where his grandmas are.
  46. The difference between "yesterday", "tomorrow" and "this weekend".  Time makes no sense to a three year old.
  47. Why tearing a big piece of paper in two (so he can make two drawings instead of one) isn't "breaking the paper".  Related:  No need for hysterics. 
  48. Why he should always ask for help before pouring his own milk (this is also why the milk is now stored on the top shelf of the fridge).
  49. All the reasons the statement "time for bed" isn't a question.
  50. How wonderful it was for him to help pick up trash for Earth Day, but "being a good sharer" doesn't mean he should also throw HIS trash on the ground so "someone else can do good by helping pick up trash, too."
Oh, and because I couldn't get the video to upload in the mist of bullets, here's a visual of #39 (you're welcome):

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