When good cars go bad...

Ug. This week has been crazy. Absolutely crazy.

Since last Sunday, I’ve been to two luncheons, three cocktail parties, two formal balls, a holiday orchestra concert and a brunch. I’m kind of impressed that I’m still standing. Thank goodness I didn’t have to go to work this week. Somehow, I doubt I would have been very productive.

(Rough life, I know.)

Somewhere in the mist of all this “being social”, I managed to take an evening off (gasp!). I’m not really sure how this worked out, but I was glad for the break. Even better: it was Susie’s 26th birthday. So, the other regular Pub Quizzers and I decided to take her out to dinner and a movie to celebrate.

Technically, I was in charge of the planning the party, which I’m sure EVERYONE else thought would be easy for me since I didn’t have work and all.  And, really, it should have been, because ohmygosh!  But, as it turns out, so NOT the case. In the mist of all the other parties, staying up late, Christmas shopping, etc., my car managed to break down. Always fun. Especially since I spent almost $1,000 on it LAST month. Grrrrrr. Stupid domestic-made vehicle.

Anyway, my “Check Engine Soon” light had come on a week or so BEFORE I actually took it in to the shop. I didn’t panic partly because I assumed that it had come on in connection to the 30,000 mile vehicle “mile”stone (pun intended). Apparently, this was a big mistake. Or could have been, at least. Somehow I managed to crack my gas tank and my gas tank neck (most likely due to a structural weakness, and not by anything I did while driving). According to the mechanic, I was essentially driving around in a ticking time bomb. The car could have exploded at any time since the cracks appeared. Something about static electricity from the outside and the gas entering the engine through the neck. I dunno - I wasn’t really listening. All I heard was, “Your car could have exploded…”, and I kind of stopped paying attention.

So, yeah. I completely dropped the birthday ball.

But Susie’s birthday party was fun. I bought her a cake, and we all sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Susie had originally requested to eat Turkish food and see the movie Enchanted. So we ate at P.F. Chang’s and saw American Gangster. I mean, obviously. Turkey’s close to Asia, right? And Enchanted is basically a gangster movie. Yeah, it is totally the same.

Thanks for going along with me on that.

I don’t think any of us realized how long American Gangster was, though. Poor Susie parked underneath Dillard’s at Northpark, and – of course – the department store was closed by the time the movie got out. So, I offered to drive her to her car. It made me feel better than the thought of her walking around by herself in a deserted mall parking lot late, late at night.

Only problem: Susie couldn’t remember exactly where she parked. Only that her car was somewhere on the first floor of the Dillard’s parking lot. For those of you not familiar with the Northpark mall, it left a lot of area to cover. Luckily, most of the cars were gone at that hour, so finding Susie’s wasn’t nearly as difficult as it could have been. Plus, it was red, so it kind of stood out. Thank goodness!

None of us had ever seen Susie’s car before. We’d heard a lot about it, though. Namely, that she hit a deer somewhere in nowhere deep, west Texas over the Thanksgiving holiday. Apparently, the local law enforcement helped her duct tape her bumper back on. This is evident from the pictures below. My favorite is the taped on emblem.



















After taking pictures of Susie’s car, I sarcastically waited for her to get in and drive away before putting the car I was driving (my mother’s Jeep while mine was still in the shop being “defused”) into gear. I half expected to see parts of her vehicle fall off as we followed behind. So did Bert and Melissa (who were both riding with me).

Leaving the Dillard’s lot, Susie turned right (towards Northwest Highway), and I went left. And that was that. Or so we all thought.

I merged onto Central Expressway, and exited Mockingbird Lane. The weird thing is that I normally would have stayed on the highway at that hour as the lights on Mockingbird drive me crazy. Similarly, I generally aim for the left turn only lane, but decided to merge into the turn-left-or-go-straight lane at the last minute. Why? No clue. It was just something I did at the last minute without really thinking about it. I never could have predicted what would happen next.

I was the third car in my lane at the light. When the light finally turned green, the first car pulled into the intersection, but the car in front of me didn’t move. I gave them a couple of seconds to get a clue before laying on the horn. The car, however, still didn’t move, and the light at the intersection turned from green to yellow. We had missed the light!

Jackhole!

Exasperated, I was just about to let loose a string of profanity when I heard Melissa (who was seated shotgun in the seat next to me) utter:

“Wait. Is that Susie?”

No. Way.

(Way!!)

I looked up just in time to see Susie – flustered in a way that only Susie can be – jump out of the car in a my-car-won’t-start induced panic. She didn’t know that we were in the car behind her, which was obvious by the oh-my-I’m-so-sorry look on her face.

Laughing hysterically, I rolled down the window and waved.

Susie asked if we could help push her car out of the intersection. Only problem: I had to drive the car I was in and Melissa and Bert were laughing too hard to function, much less breathe. Finally, Bert jumped out of the car and ran to Susie’s aid. Melissa, on the other hand, was too busy gasping for air to be much help. Susie has some super-supportive friends, let me tell you.

It was at that moment, I noticed flashing blue lights in the rear view mirror. A cop had pulled up behind me and was running from his car to “the situation” happing in front of mine. We’d find out later that the cop thought he had a b*tch-fight on his hands.

I guess it makes sense. How many times do you see a car honk at another, people jump out and run towards each other and there not be a fight? I mean, if you are a cop and all.

Then, he heard our hysterical laughter, and (apparently) was unable to grasp the fact that we were all friends. He asked Susie and Bert SEVERAL times, “Wait. You all are friends, right? Seriously?” Yeah. That’s how we Pub Quizzers roll. Support through laughter. Pretty sure that makes us all a$$holes.

Bert and Susie pushed the vehicle into the bank parking lot on the northwest corner of the Mockingbird and Central. Once there, the cop came over to check her car, and it was determined that she had run out of gas. Apparently, her low gas light had come on when she started the car back in the Dillard’s parking garage. Normally, that would mean she had approximately 30 miles left until empty. However, her sensor had malfunctioned and she had only about 1 mile left to burn. Hence, the whole not moving thing at the intersection a few moments before.

Poor thing.

More laughter from her ever-supportive support team.

As the cop walked by my car, I managed to tell him between giggles, “And it’s her birthday, too!” He smiled and shook his head.

I’m pretty sure he still didn’t believe that we were all friends. Or if we were, Susie was in desperate need of new ones. Can’t say I blame him.

Susie really wanted to leave her car in the bank parking lot, but the cop advised against it. Apparently, cars that get left there over night are almost always broken into, stolen or dismantled. I think Susie’s reaction to this news was something like, “They can take it! Or they can try, at least. It doesn’t run and the damn thing is being held together with duct tape!” Poor thing. At that moment, she’d simply had it with her little, red car.

The officer then explained what Susie needed to do. Mainly, walk across the street, buy a gas can and siphon, fill it up, walk back to the vehicle and pour it inside.

Then, something no one expected:

Susie announced that she had a gas can and siphon in her trunk. Along with a Louisville slugger, blanket and a blue tarp. And to think Susie didn’t want to see American Gangster! She’s already got the tools for a successful life of crime right there in the trunk of her car!

As she went to open the trunk, however, her car alarm went off. Embarrassed, Susie flailed in an attempt to silence the shrill noise. We, her friends, proceeded to laugh even harder. Then, when poor Susie finally got the alarm turned off, we heard a voice from the police car behind us. It was the cop on his loud speaker. In a deadpan voice the following words reached our ears: “Happy Birthday.”

“HAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

Again. We are supportive people!

Susie was mortified with embarrassment. She kept saying, “You all just don’t understand. Stuff like this just happens to me!”

Finally, gas can in hand; we drove Susie across the street to buy gas. I offered to pay for it (since it was her birthday and all), but Susie wouldn’t let me.




Five minutes later, we were back siphoning gas into Susie’s car. Here is the photo evidence:















At one point, I was quoted as saying, “Quick! Someone help Susie with the gas tank. I’m too busy taking pictures.” Yeah. I know. Supportive. To be fair though, does it really look like Melissa is helping much? I don’t think so! Go back and review the photos if you don’t believe me!

After Susie successfully filled her gas tank, we followed her back to her house. This was mainly to ensure she actually got there. After all, we had mocked her car and her car had rebelled. We owed it to the birthday girl to get her all the way home.

So, that was how we spent last Tuesday. I’m sure we’ll be laughing about this one for years to come!

(Poor Susie!)