Friday, July 25, 2014

Note to self: Next time just shut up...

Abby has been one of Banner's classmates since they were in the infant room back in 2012.  While the two of them are close, the same cannot be said of Abby's mother and I.  Why?  Because I am an idiot and have a tendency to make even the most pleasant of moments acutely awkward.

It's like my very own extremely undesirable superpower.

And nothing about today made that any less true.

See, Abby's mother is pregnant, and because pregnancy is such an iffy subject for me (despite all efforts to make it not so), I've avoid the topic altogether during our daily encounters in the hallway during pick up and drop off.  Because, although I'm (mostly) fine nowadays, there is still a part of me that can't help but continue to count down the days and weeks to what should have been.

I just can't seem to help it no matter how hard I try.

I'm still not sure how it started.  One minute Abby's mom and I were mindlessly chatting about a cranky Abby and hyperactive Banner, and the next she was telling me she was expecting a baby boy on October 5th.

And y'all?  It was like I was hit by a truck.  All the emotions I've kept so closely in check came welling up.  It happened suddenly, and I inhaled sharply.

It hurt so bad.  

Abby's mother looked at me curiously.  This was the moment that I should be congratulating her.


Me:  "Sorry.  I mean, that's great.  It just that...well, I dunno.  I was also expecting a little boy in early October. wasn't meant to be,, I'm fine.  We are fine.  Hopefully we'll get another chance someday, but...uh, yeah...I'm sorry.  It is just that they would have been the same age.  I really shouldn't be telling you any of this.  Who wants to hear about miscarriage, right?  It just surprised me, that's all.  The due date and gender, I mean.  I'm so sorry.  I should stop talking now.  Abby is so pretty, and you look great.  Have a great weekend."

This is going to get easier, right?

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