Thursday, October 31, 2013

More trick than treat...

Y'all.  This morning.  I'm still reeling.

Banner woke me up this morning.  At 6:30.  Singing.

I turned on the baby monitor.  He was dancing and making faces at the camera like he knew I was watching.

He was also completely naked.

Terrified, I ran into the nursery.  Banner, excited to see me, exclaimed, "Mama!  Poo-poo!"

Dear God, no!

And it wasn't.  But that's only because Banner gets the words poo-poo and pee-pee confused.  I think it is because the two word are so similar, involve the potty and start with the letter "p".  But I digress:  The nursery was covered in urine.

I stood there frozen for at least half a minute.  I think I was hoping it was all a nightmare, and that I'd wake up back in my own bed.

No such luck.

Even after I accepted that wasn't a dream, it STILL took awhile to process what I was seeing.  Namely a toddler who was celebrating in his pee soaked crib like it was a national holiday.  He was simply thrilled with the situation.

Me?  Less so.

After the initial shock wore off, I decided the most important thing was to get Banner cleaned up and back in a diaper.  And, just like before, it is a good thing I did.  Because less than twenty seconds after taking him off the changing table and turning my attention to the task of stripping the crib, he pooped.  Which, in itself, wasn't that big of a deal.  Except this particular poop that demanded immediate attention because Banner started chanting "Poo-poo! Poo-poo!" and started trying to shove his hand into the back of his diaper. 

So, I dropped everything, and turned my attention to the task of changing my second diaper before 7 AM.  A diaper, might I add, that stank to high heaven and needed immediate relocation to the trash bin outside.  Except I was still in my jammies and my toddler started announcing he was hungry.  So, I washed my hands, threw a waffle in the toaster, peeled a orange, threw it all on a plate and served it to Ban before finding my flip flops, picking back up said dirty diaper and heading outside in the predawn darkness to throw it away.

Instead of calmly eating his breakfast in the 20 seconds it would have taken me to walk to/from the trash bin, Banner decided to follow me outside.  Where he noticed that one of my neighbor's decorative ghosts had fallen out of the tree in last night's rain AND DECIDED TO BOLT AT TOP SPEED TO GO GET IT.  And I had to sprint after because those neighbors never pick up after their dogs in the front yard and my kid was wearing nothing but a diaper.

Luckily, I managed to grab him before he stepped in anything undesirable, but in the process he had noticed that we had a newspaper in our driveway (we don't subscribe, but randomly get them anyway).  Which he had to pick up OR HE WOULD DIE even though it was soaking wet and dripping everywhere.  He wanted to take it inside, but I worked out a compromise where he got to experience the thrill of tossing it inside the recycle bin.  Except then he freaked out because I followed up with tossing the dirty diaper in the trash, and he apparently wanted to do that too.


Which was why my toddler had a tantrum at 7 AM in our driveway.  I'm sure our neighbors were thrilled.

I picked up the kid, carried him back inside, washed both our hands and plopped him back in front of his breakfast.  But he wouldn't stay there, so I brought his breakfast back to our bedroom in the hopes that he would eat it there while I got dressed.  No such luck.  But I pressed on anyway, because what choice did I have?  Which was how I temporarily lost him  while washing my face and panicked...before discovering him hiding under our bed.

Banner emerged with Trevor's baseball bat in his hands and a dust bunny clinging to his foot.  I relocated the bat to the top of the closet, carried Banner back into his room, wiped him down (AGAIN) and slapped some clothes on his back...ALL before realizing it was Halloween and he needed to wear jeans and a festive shirt to school today.


So, I grabbed a more appropriate outfit out of his closet, but Banner didn't want to change and had hidden in his circus tent in the corner.  So I had to resort to bribery with a wind-up bunny, wrestle him out of the outfit  he was currently wearing and into another before dragging him back into my room so I could (FINALLY, OMG) get dressed for work.

I somehow managed to put on Tuesday's jeans and a top when I realized Banner still hadn't eaten very much.  So I heated up these gluten-free French toast sticks he normally loves but (of course) wasn't interested in TODAY.  How do I know?  Because I walked in half a second too late (after making my lunch in the kitchen) to discover him feeding them to the dogs .  So, I tossed the Awesome Pawsome outside, grabbed a squeezie and some crackers, and started loading Banner into the car.  He sucked down the squeezie but refused the crackers and started asking for "wa-wa".  So I strapped him in his car seat, ran back in the house and grabbed him a sippy cup filled with water.

I'm about to open the garage door to back out, when I remembered that I don't have my phone.  So I go back inside to grab that.  Good thing, too, because I discovered that I'd forgotten to turn on the (freaking) alarm. 

Finally, though, everything is locked up properly and Banner and I backed out of the driveway and headed to daycare.  Except it isn't until...

...I'm walking into his classroom that I realize I am still wearing the flip flops I put on to take Banner's poopy diaper to the trash.

...I get to the office that I realize I never finished stripping the urine soaked sheets out of Banner's crib.

...9:30 AM that I realized that I never hit the ON button on the office coffee pot after adding water and grounds.

...10 AM that I realize I never put deodorant on this morning.

Some mornings should come with warning labels.  Or do overs.  Or a little bit of IRISH in your coffee.

Just saying.

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