Friday, October 04, 2013

The best part of my day is Banner. Especially when he is being his usual irrational toddler self. Seriously. He is hysterical...

There are so many things I meant to blog about in September that I simply never got around to.  So without further ado, yet another list of disjointed Banner memories:

    The little dude keeps growing and changing everyday.  It simply blows my mind how fast his vocabulary is developing.  He knows the numbers 8, 5 and 3.  Granted, I'm not sure he knows what 8, 5 and 3 MEAN, but he can say them.  He also know his name ("Nanner" or "Nana"), calls his bellybutton his "but but" and refuses to wear shoes despite his obsession with them.  It is rare that a day passes where he hasn't learned a new word or phrase.  Half the time, we don't even know where he picked them up.  Like "stuck", "walk" and "towel" for example.  He just started saying them one day out of nowhere. He also says "Ya" (yes) like he is from Sweden, and narrates what is going on when he walks in on you in the bathroom:

    "Mama sit potty!"

    "Yes.  Mama is sitting on the potty."

    "Poo-poo potty?"

    "Yes, mama is going poo-poo in potty.  Why don't you go find daddy?"

    "Ya!  Mama! Poo-poo!  Potty!"

    "Yes, mama goes poo-poo in potty.  TREV-VOR?  CAN YOU COME GET YOUR SON?"


    "Buh-bye, poo-poo!  Buh-bye!"

    Part of me is thrilled that he is showing an interest in the whole potty thing, and the other part really craves some privacy in the bathroom.  And it isn't just me.  Since the child has never met a door he can't open, he has started walking in on guests using the bathroom, too.  Believe me, it is weird enough to have your own kid narrate what you are doing in the bathroom.  It is something else entirely when your kid walks in on someone else...and you have to go in and get him.

    (Sorry, Adam.)

    To be fair, Adam was using the Jack and Jill bath that connects to Banner's nursery to the guest room.  It isn't like we regularly lose track of him in public restrooms.

    Plus, it isn't like all this potty talk is getting us any closer to being potty trained.  If you put the kid on the potty, he screams like a banshee.  The only plus side is that he will occasionally tell you that he has pooped his pants.  Of course, he also loathes having his diaper changed, so he will just as quickly lie to you when anyone in a twenty foot radius can clearly smell what is really going on.

Which leads me into a segment I like to call:  Toddlers are sometimes completely irrational a$$hats.  I might just start a whole new series of blog labels.


  • Banner is completely obsessed with shoes.  He will throw fits over the fact that he isn't wearing shoes AFTER HE JUST TOOK THEM OFF AND TOSSED THEM ACROSS THE ROOM/CAR.  Same goes for socks.  Sometimes we can go days without socks, and sometimes his lack of socks is a matter of life and death.

  • And don't even get me started on how he freaks out if he discovers someone else not wearing shoes.  He will find you a pair and bring them to you.  He has an uncanny ability to memorize the type of shoe he last saw you in and not rest they are back on your feet.  The only good thing about this is that it has (mostly) cured Trevor and I of our habit of leaving our shoes around the house (instead of properly putting them away in the closet). 

  • He also is very opinionated about what shoes he wants to wear when.  Even if they are not seasonably appropriate, don't fit or are - heaven forbid - broken.  His favorite pair of shoes broke on Monday at the Arboretum, and I almost cried.  Not because I was being sentimental, but because he continues to want to wear them.  But he FREAKS OUT when he puts them on and rediscovers the fact that the sole is pulling away from the sandal. "Uh oh, shoe!  UH OH!  Shoe!  Shoe!  Shoe!  NOOOooooo!"

Sad day.

  • He LOVES to strip but then freaks out because he is naked.  But doesn't want you to catch him to reapply his diaper/clothes.  100 extra points it all this happens in the front yard in the vicinity of neighbors.

  • He thinks taking off his diaper is awesome...until "nature calls" and he has an accident.  Because there are no winners in a world without diapers for the not potty trained.  Especially when he takes his sleep sack, footed onesie AND diaper off after we've put him to bed for the night and closed the door.  Because, OMG, WHY?

Yeah, I'm not wearing clothes.
What are you gunna do about it?

  • He thinks shooting snot rockets at his mother is hysterical.  SERIOUSLY, WHO TAUGHT HIM THIS BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE YOU IN PERSON!

  • He will demand a cracker, water, squeezie or [fill in blank] and then break down, sob and toss the very thing he just requested away because...???!!!

  • Elmo.  Did you know he raps the alphabet on You Tube?  Yeah.  Nuff said.

  • Banner wants to double dip his cracker in the hummus, guacamole, etc. and cries if you hand him a fresh cracker with more hummus, guac, etc. on it.  Because, obviously, the soggy, gross cracker is just fine, thankyouverymuch.

  • You know what is a bad idea?  A toddler with a baseball bat.  You know what is worse?  Trying to get a baseball bat AWAY from a toddler with a baseball bat.

  • I was so happy when I had a boy because I was always kind of a tomboy growing up and completely missed the whole princess thing.  So imagine my distress when the only program Banner shows a remote interest in watching on TV (other than Elmo rapping the alphabet on You Tube) is some animated travesty called SOFIA THE FIRST on the Disney channel.  Because Sofia is a princess in training.  She participates in competitions/"schooling" with other princesses on how to properly fan herself and twirl, and periodically doubts herself because she wasn't born a princess like the other girls.  I also think she is supposed to be Hispanic, but...well, don't get me started.  Banner is doing this on purpose to annoy me, I just know it.  And Trevor insists that 21 months is too early to start talking to the boy about feminism and the social construction of gender roles.

  • What is Banner's is his, and what's yours is his, too.  This is especially true for any and all desirable foods.  Anything deemed not desirable (i.e. most veggies not mixed in with something else) end up on my plate.

  • Hot.  Because Banner knows what "hot" means, but - obviously - doesn't think I do.  And then he touches something hot and looks at me all shocked like, "OMG, woman!  That's HOT."  And I'm all, "Yeah, that's why I said 'Careful.  Hot'".

  • Speaking of "hot", we had to install a latch at the top of our hot water heater closet because "someone" kept sneaking in there and turning the knob to "vacation". 

  • I'm pretty sure Banner falls asleep in his car seat a block from home on purpose.

  • "Mo".  I mean, I'm glad he can ask for "more" and I love it that he usually follows it up with "peas" (please), but OMG.  Sometimes there is just no "mo".  Saying mo 9,000 times from the backseat isn't going to change that.

  • Ice.  But ice melts and then there is no more ice.  This is a royal effing crisis when you are (almost) 21 months.  Because, "Ice!  ICE!  ICE!  NOOOOOOoooooo!  Ice!  No wa-wa!  ICE!"

  • Banner let's you know if you are listening to something on the radio that he doesn't like.  He HATES talk, but is very opinionated about what music he wants to listen to when.  He can't say "music" yet so instead just yells "No!  No!  No!" over and over again until you change the station.  I generally give in because I find being screamed at in traffic extremely stressful.  Luckily, Trevor discovered that the kid loves classical and air conducts from the comfort of his throne chair.  Awesome.

I drew him a happy face and he scribbled it out.
Tell me that's not personal.

  • Ever try to explain to a toddler why he can't take a book to swim class?  Yeah.  MY LIFE.

  • Timeout.  Because it obviously isn't working properly if your kid does something on purpose, looks you square in the eye and then puts himself in timeout with copious amounts of "yeah I just did THAT" attitude.

  • DON'T CLEAN UP AFTER BANNER OR PUT ANYTHING IN HIS HAMPER!  Seriously.  I tried this morning, and he freaked out.  He wants to do it himself.  Which I'm all for regardless of the fact that it takes twice as long, and that I randomly have to sort blocks, shoes and toys out of the dirty clothes before starting a load of laundry.

  • The car seat.  He wants to CLIMB into it on his own.  Which, again:  fabulous, but not time effective.  Same with his need to buckle all things that buckle.

And, well, this post is too long but I don't know how to end it.  So, I leave you with this final tidbit:

THE CRIB.  Last week, Trevor put Banner to bed and walked out to make dinner (I was at an exhibit preview).  Banner started to cry because he has recently decided that he wants his parents to sit in the room while he falls asleep.  Except if we stay in there the last thing he does is sleep.  If fact, the quickest way to get him to fall asleep (generally) is to leave.  Most nights he cries for two minutes and passes out on his own.  We won't talk about those other nights.

Anyway, back to last Wednesday.  Trevor walks to the kitchen to make dinner and Banner starts to cry:

"Waaaaa!  Waaaaa!  Waaaaa!"


""Waaaaa!  Waaaaa!  Waaaaa!"

The thump?  Yeah, that was Banner throwing himself out of his crib.  Trevor discovered him five seconds later crying in the hallway outside his nursery.

The good news, Banner wasn't hurt by the fall, but it scared him enough that he hasn't tried to climb out again since.

The bad news, our time in the crib is probably limited, which sort of makes me want to drink.  Heavily.

Happy Friday, everyone!!

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