If it is yellow let it mellow...

I just peed.

When I went to flush, however, nothing happened. Apparently the museum is without water.

Even MORE fun? Getting to tell your boss and coworkers that there is no water AND confessing that the pee currently mellowing in the ONLY staff toilet is yours.

My Boss: “Bet you couldn’t wash your hands either.”

Me: [Hanging head in defeat while slowly shaking it back and forth]

My Boss: “Ew!”

Nora: “Great! Now I have to pee! Thanks a lot, [Deals]!”

Me: Sigh…

So, yeah, this is gearing up to be a good day.

On nonsense and monkey business...

For the past four years, I’ve had the following services bundled through AT&T:

1. My home phone.


2. Internet.


3. DISH Network.

At the end of April, in preparation for my move, I went ahead and called AT&T with the intent of transferring all of my services to the new address.

However, once connected to a customer service representative, I was convinced to switch from DISH to U-Verse by the AT&T lady on the other end of the phone. Trevor had mentioned receiving a flyer advertising U-Verse in the mail, and seemed interested. But I wasn’t 100% persuaded until I spoke with the representative and crunched the numbers (it would be a little cheaper a month for a comparable U-Verse package to the one I’ve been enjoying with DISH).

The fact that I wouldn’t lose TV signal every time it rained was also a perk – although, I can’t say it really effected my decision that day on the phone. Honestly, I had no idea that a satellite wasn’t involved until the U-Verse dude was installing the system on Saturday and explained the wild, wild world of “Fiber Optics” to me. I know, I know: I’m an idiot.

But, as always, I digress.

Since I was transferring all of my services except DISH Network, the nice lady at AT&T offered to go ahead and cancel it for me. We went through the whole line of pre-cancellation questions: When to stop DISH service (April 30th since DISH bills monthly and the month was almost over); When to transfer my home phone number (May 8th); When to install U-Verse (May 9th); etc. She even explained the logistics of returning the DISH DVR: A self-addressed, pre-posted box would arrive in the next 10 days at my current address. All I would have to do was pack up the DVR and remote controls in the box provided, and mail it back to DISH within 30 days. After the DVR was returned, I would be good to go. My commitment to DISH would be over.

Or so I thought.

Today, I received my AT&T bill notification electronically through my bank. It was for an odd amount, so I opened the bill to investigate. After scrolling through it, I realized that two major things were wrong:

1. My new address wasn’t listed on the bill.


2. DISH had already charged me for programming from 5/1/2009 through 5/30/2009.

Hmmmmmm. Something was amiss.

Granted, I hadn’t received the prepaid box for the DVR yet, but I technically didn’t cancel the DISH account until April 29th – two weeks ago tomorrow. The 10 day period only expired over the weekend, so I really wasn’t that concerned (although, I HAD thought about it and decided I would call if the box didn’t arrive by Wednesday). But, still, box or no box, I shouldn’t be charged for another month of programming. That was definitely an error.

Figuring I might as well take care of the problem while I was thinking about it, I went ahead and called AT&T on my lunch break. I thought I could use the same phone call to inquire about the status of the DISH DVR return box.

After talking to four (4!) different AT&T representatives, I came to learn the following:

Despite the fact that AT&T bundles their services with DISH and AT&T can initiate service with DISH, AT&T cannot cancel DISH services. But – for whatever reason (none of which I fully understand) – many of the AT&T representatives apparently still offer to cancel your DISH services when you agree to make the switch from DISH to U-Verse. In reality, however, AT&T has no authority to do so and you have to go directly through DISH if you wish to cancel.

As a result of DISH not really being cancelled, AT&T could not fully change my address on my account because DISH was still listed at the current residence (instead of my new address with U-Verse). This means that I have had multiple addresses connected to a single account and phone line since the end of April, which – needless to say – is confusing. It also creates a billing problem because I’m being charged for the different addresses on the same account separately. I’m sure this will end up taking months to sort out – I have zero faith in large companies when it comes to fixing small errors of their own making.

And, despite cancelling the DISH service with AT&T (and having AT&T tell me that the DISH service was – indeed – cancelled), the DISH service was not cancelled and I have been charged for DISH programming for the month of May.

Grumble, grumble.

DISH, to their credit, feels bad for the confusion created by AT&T, and has offered to credit my account for most (but not all) of May.

What gets me is that AT&T can transfer me directly to DISH and vice versa. You would think that companies so closely tied to each other would be able to make the process a little easier. Especially since AT&T told me the exact same thing that DISH did about the process of returning my DVR (prepaid box will arrive in 10 days, must return DVR and remotes within 30 days, etc.). AT&T obviously knows how DISH operates. Am I missing something here? Why wouldn’t AT&T just tell me to contact DISH directly to cancel? Because I would have if I had not been told by AT&T that they had taken care of it. It honestly would not have made a difference, and AT&T could have transferred me to DISH if they wanted to save me the trouble of hanging up and dialing another number (which, again, would not have bothered me to do!). All I wanted was my DISH account to be cancelled. Being charged needlessly for a service I am no longer using does not make me happy! Talk about a problem that didn’t need to be a problem!

If I had to guess (and I really don’t know anything), I’d speculate that AT&T use to be able to cancel DISH in the not-so-distant past. But now that AT&T has started U-Verse and is actively marketing it to their customers, DISH no longer wants AT&T to have any authority over their active accounts (mainly to prevent AT&T from stealing their customers). AT&T still acts like they have the authority to cancel DISH’s accounts, though, so they can hook customers like me into changing to U-Verse by making it seem so simple (even though I'm already choosing their service over DISH and it makes no sense why they would make that process more complicated than necessary – and at my expense, too!). They even divulge word-for-word what DISH is going to tell you about returning the DVR. It all sounds very legitimate and easy (which should have been my first clue that something was very wrong!).

Of course, what AT&T fails to mention is that you really have to ASK to be transferred to DISH to actually cancel your account. And poor DISH ends up looking like the bad guy, because they’ve continued to charge you for a service that you supposedly canceled with AT&T.

I’m convinced it is a scam designed to undermine DISH by AT&T. Can I prove it? No, but something isn’t right over at AT&T. And I doubt I’m the first (or only!) person to be told by AT&T that they’ve canceled my DISH service when I switched to U-Verse. Especially, since I had to be transferred to four different people at AT&T before FINALLY being transferred to DISH (odd since it was ALWAYS DISH that I needed to talk to). Something smells fishy, no? All this is creating more work than necessary for absolutely no reason. Which maybe makes sense for a company so obviously run by a bunch of monkeys.

Or maybe I am just dealing with gross incompetence on a very human level? It’s possible. Very possible.

Either way, I might be returning to DISH sooner than I thought…

I must have missed that day in Sunday School as a kid...

Today was Palm Sunday.

I got my palm before we processed from the Great Hall into the Cathedral, and spent part of the service trying to figure out how to twist it into a cross.

Tragically, I only managed to maim my palm. I tried to pawn it off as a magical palm rod or wand, but Trevor didn’t buy it.

And then, adding insult to injury, the three, little boys sitting in the pew behind us had managed to turn about 30 palms into crosses (their mother had apparently grabbed a bunch to entertain her brood during the long service). Trevor tried to get the eldest to teach me how to make one, but with no success. According to the little boy, “you either know how to make one, or you don’t.” Yes, that is helpful, thanks (grumble, grumble).

Not that I’ll remember to take the following to church with me NEXT year, but here are some relatively easy to follow directions. Hopefully, this is the last year I’ll be bested by a five-year-old.

HOW TO MAKE A PALM CROSS

1. Take a palm that is about 2 feet long and 1/2" wide (if it tapers at the top, this is good!). Hold the palm upright, so the tapered end points toward the ceiling.




2. Then bend the top end down and toward you so that the bend is about 5 or 6 inches from the bottom of the palm.




3. About a third of the way from the bend you just made, twist the section you've pulled down to the right, forming a right angle.




4. About an inch and a half away from the "stem" of the cross, bend this arm of the palm back behind the palm so that it is now facing to your left. Make the bend at a good length to form the right arm of the Cross.




5. Folding that same section at a point that equals the length on the right side, bend it on the left side and bring the end forward over what is now the front of the cross.




6. From the very center of the Cross, fold that arm up and to the upper right (in a "northeast" direction) so that it can wrap around where the upright post of the Cross and the right arm intersect.




7. Fold this down and to the left behind the Cross...




8. ...and then fold it toward the right so that it is parallel and under the transverse arms of the Cross.




9. Bring it up behind the Cross again, this time folding it up toward the "northwest" direction.




10. Tuck the tapered end into the transverse section you made in step 7...




11. ...and pull through.




12. Turn the Cross over; this side will be the front.

On frozen brains and ice…

"Nothing spoils a party like a genius."

- Elsa Maxwell

While getting dressed for work this morning, I overheard the following conversation:

Chase: “Jane! Get the kids into the car! Do you want them to get frostbite and die?”

Jane: “I’m trying!”

Chase comes outside, cigarette in hand, and watches Jane trying to maneuver Jet and Savannah into the backseat. Not bothering to help her or close the back door to the house (which is wide open), he jumps into the driver’s seat, turns on the car and starts violently pumping the gas while the car is in park. The car dies.

Jane: “What’s wrong with the car?”

Chase: “Jane! Are you stupid? It is seventeen BELOW zero out here! Nothing works when it is this cold!”

Jane: “Oh. I didn’t realize it was THAT cold. Wonder how your mother got her car to work this morning?”

Chase: “She had to wait for her car to warm up. It can take hours. She – like me – knew it was going to be cold today. We watched the weather last night.”

Jane: “No you didn’t. You were with me.”

Chase: “Well, it is COLD out here, isn’t it?! Doesn’t take an idiot to know that it is almost twenty below zero outside!”

Of course, it was really only in the mid twenties this morning. Cold? Yes. But not seventeen below zero. Maybe in Montana or North Dakota, but not Dallas.

Finally, after swearing and banging on the car for 20 minutes, Chase gave up and went inside. The last thing I heard him yell before slamming the backdoor was, “Jane! Did you turn off the f**kin’ heat? It’s freezing in here!”

Maybe if you didn’t leave the backdoor wide open for half an hour, the heat would still be INSIDE your house. But what do I know?

My neighbors drive me crazy.

From the desk of Deals On Wheels...

To Whom It May Concern:

I don’t know who you are, where you are or why you mistakenly used my home phone number when listing your 2002 Lexus LS 430 online. So far, thirteen people have called to enquire about a vehicle I know nothing about. I’d pass their names and contact information along to you, but – again – I do not know how to reach you. This is probably a good thing since I started receiving phone calls at the a$$ crack of dawn this morning, and want nothing more than to track you down and beat your careless posterior with a small stick (as it will sting more).

Please be advised that the longer I spend online looking for your ad, the more annoyed I will become. Similarly, I am not amused by the individuals I have spoken to over the phone about your car. Here are two shinning examples:

1. The man named “John” who couldn’t understand why I would list my number on an ad if I didn’t want people to call it. All of my attempts to explain to John that I didn’t list my number on the ad – that it must be a mistake or typo – went nowhere. I also couldn’t convince John to tell me where he saw your ad on the internet. According to John, I should know where I posted my own ad. He also implied that I wouldn’t sell him the car because he was black. Yes, John. That’s right. I won’t sell you a car I know nothing about because you are black. Awesome.



2. The creepy guy who told me that he lived nearby, and asked if I was keeping the Lexus at my house. Apparently, he had entered my phone number into the Reverse Phone Directory and Google supplied him with my name, address and a map to my house. Mr. Creepy just wanted to, “Swing by to take a look, if that was okay.” Uhmmmm, no. It’s not. I don’t own a Lexus, and never have. The ad you saw listed online listed my number by mistake.

Luckily, Mr. Creepy seemed to take this news very well, and thanked me for my time. If I go missing or am founded murdered any time soon, though, please tell the cops to check my phone records.

In hindsight, I realize that I should have asked Mr. Creepy where he saw the ad. I was just so thrown off by his knowing my name and address that it didn’t occur to me until after we hung up. If any good came from his disturbing phone call, however, it was that I have now requested that Google remove my name, number and address from the Reverse Phone Directory as soon as possible. If I knew who you were or how to reach you, I’d strongly recommend that you enter your phone number into the site and do the same.

Again, I have a small stick with whatever-your-name-is on it…

So, now I am at the mental intersection of “I WANT TO FIND THE AD SO I CAN GET MY NUMBER REMOVED FROM IT” and “I NEVER WANT TO ANSWER MY PHONE AGAIN”. This is not where I expected to be today, and I blame you.

In other words: I hate you and I am not amused.

Sincerely,
Deals On Wheels

UNFair Park...

Part of my job is to schedule private bus tours for various companies or visiting conferences. Generally speaking, I like doing this because the tours make money for my department, there isn’t a ton of work involved (I have the planning down to a fine art form), and I get to meet interesting people along the way.

Of course, there are always noticeable exceptions to this rule.

Take the following conversation for example:

[Phone Rings…]

Me: “Education. This is [Deals].”

Person in Question (PIQ for short): “Hi, [Deals]! This is [PIQ] with [blank, blank] Realtors. We have the private tour scheduled for May 15th?”

Me: “Oh, hi! How can I help you?”

PIQ: “I know we discussed the tour picking up and dropping off at Fair Park because of the abundant parking down there.”

Me: “Yes, Ma’am…”

PIQ: “Well, I’ve been talking to a bunch of the people that are going to be on the tour, and everyone is concerned about leaving their cars unattended down there.”

Me: “I don’t think you have anything to be worried about.”

PIQ: “But it’s such a bad part of town!”

Me: “Yes, but very little – if any – crime takes place in the physical park. But crime that occurs NEAR the park is reported as happening ‘at Fair Park’. Fair Park is gated and actually very secure. The mounted police officers are based on campus, and you always see them out with the horses patrolling the grounds. And there are also security personnel that drive in little golf carts all the time. I’ve never felt unsafe here.”

PIQ: “Well, I think the problem is that many of the realtors have nice cars, and they are worried what will happen to them while we are on the bus tour.”

Me: “I’ve been parking down here every day for almost four years, and I’ve never had a problem.”

PIQ: “But what do you drive?”

Me: “An Envoy.”

PIQ: “Well, you see, we have nice cars.”

Me: “Oh.”

PIQ: “Yes. They are very expensive, and I’m afraid they will be targeted.”

Me: “Well, our Director of Development drives a Lexus and she’s never had a problem either.”

PIQ: “What year is it?”

Me: “Does it matter?”

PIQ: “I think so. The older a car is the less it is worth.”

Me: “Uhmmm, okay.”

Needless to say, we didn’t end up meeting at Fair Park. We had the bus pick up and drop off at the realtor office, instead. And just for the record, I felt less secure leaving my “crappy” Envoy in their congested (and noticeably unattended) parking lot, than I ever have at Fair Park.

I swear, the nerve of some people! I am always amazed…

I missed my calling...

I was finally able to get a repairman over this afternoon to see about my broken fridge and freezer. This was much, much, much more difficult than it should have been. Apparently, Maytag repairmen are extremely busy individuals (despite the TV advertisements that imply otherwise).

Anyway, the visit lasted about seven minutes and went something like this:

Maytag Repairman: “So, what seems to be the problem here?”

Me: “Well, the freezer and fridge are no longer freezing and refrigerating. I think it might be the compressor, but I honestly don’t know much about major appliances.”

[Pause as the Maytag Repairman pulls the fridge/freezer unit out from the wall and sticks his hand inside a panel located on the back of the machine. This whole process takes less than twenty three seconds.]

Maytag Repairman: “Yep. The compressor is shot.”

Me: “Can you fix it?”

Maytag Repairman: “I can, but it isn’t worth the money to do so. This is a bad model. Best you cut your losses and invest in a new one.”

Me: “Oh.”

[Pause as I watch the Maytag Repairman whip out a stack of papers from the bag he is carrying.]

Maytag Repairman: “Okay. Well, let’s see here…that will be $74.86.”

In other words, I told him what was wrong with my fridge and he charged $75 for confirming it (not fixing it, mind you. Just confirming the problem).

I’m obviously in the wrong line of work.

Why I (apparently) do not have good grasp of the English language...

So, in case anyone was wondering (or even noticed) I've been a little less than prolific on my BLOG as of late.

This is for (mainly) three reasons:

1. I mentioned that we had a "flood" of sorts in the building where I work. Besides trying to aid in the clean-up, I also had to cancel any and all educational activities in the museum for the immediate future (this was surprisingly time-consuming, in case you were wondering).

2. My grandmother was in and out of the hospital ER (don't worry, she is fine now).

3. I'm moving.

I actually have a lot to say about all of the above-mentioned events, but for the sake of this post I would like to focus solely on #3.

I'm moving.

Moving sucks. I hate moving. It is stressful, time-consuming and - quite frankly - irritating. Nothing about moving is easy. Nothing.

Take the whole process of switching the utilities into your name, for example. This is something that should be easy. After all, you WANT to have a service provided for you, and you are willing to PAY good money for it. So, you'd think that the "service provider" would work with you so they could TAKE your money by providing their service.

...But maybe that is bringing too much "logic" into it.

Anyway, I - like most people now-a-days - wanted power. So, I called electric company "A" to start the whole initiation-of-service-process about two weeks before my lease was to begin. Pretty typical, right?

Well, company "A" said that there would have to be a mandatory 3 to 7 day "black out period" in order for the electricity to be turned on in my name. Therefore, if I wanted the electricity put into my name on the 17th of August (for example), it might not ACTUALLY come on until the 24th.

This seemed a little ridiculous, so I inquired, "Why is that..."?

According to company "A", unless I transferred electrical service from the name of the "(then) current resident" into my name a "black out period "was a must.

I was like, "Fine, transfer the current account into my name then".

However, it wasn't quite that simple (nothing ever is, it seems). First, I had to have the "(then) current resident" of my soon-to-be-home call company "A" and give them permission to transfer the account into my name.

So, I called "Heather" (the "(then) current resident") and asked her if she would mind calling company "A" and giving them my name (and her permission, of course) so that I could avoid the mandatory "black out period" (as well as a hefty "service initiation fee" that, I assume, would be tacked on to my first bill).

Well, Heather (bless her heart) spent 2 hours on the phone with company "A" and they told her that no such "black out period" existed and that they didn't need her permission to transfer service into my name.

Interesting change of story...

Thus, I called company "A" back and tried AGAIN to transfer service into my name. However, attempt #2 was also unsuccessful because company "A" now claimed that they never had Heather has a client - past or present. Furthermore, they did not show the residence in question (i.e. my future home) as having any electrical service at all.

I thought that was a little weird. So, after calling Heather back (and verifying that she did indeed have electricity) I decided to call another electrical company altogether (we will call them company "B"), in order to open an account.

Well, company "B" put me on hold and disconnected me three times. When I finally did get a representative on the phone, they informed me that my future address currently had service with company "A", and that (since the account with company "A" was not in MY name) I could not initiate service with company "B".

I tried to explain that I was moving into the residence in question in the very near future (didn't seem to make a difference), and that I was a potential costumer very much interested in having electricity provided to me by company "B".

At this point, the representative from company "B" told me that a single residence cannot have multiple accounts with different electrical providers. Apparently, until I cancelled the current account at my future residence or transferred the account into my name, I would be unable to have electricity supplied by company "B".

This seemed a little ridiculous, so I tried reasoning with the representative from company "B"...

I tried again to explain to the representative from company "B" that the "(then) current residents" were moving out in the very near future, and that they had made arrangements to have their electrical service discontinued on the 16th. Thus, there never would be multiple accounts. Only ONE (seeing as though I wanted my service to begin on the 17th and the "(then) current residents" would have theirs discontinued the day before).

This all seemed to be perfectly rational to me.

However, the representative (who obviously did not rationalize much, if ever) told me to call company "B" back once the account with company "A" had been discontinued, cancelled or transferred. Once that had happened, company "B" would be (at that time) more than happy to initiate service with me.

I was like, "Great. Now what...?"

I was starting to get a little desperate at this point. So, I decided to called company "A" back the next day (against my better judgment).

This time, however, I was able to open an account (much to my relief) and the female representative told me that she'd be able to have the electricity turned on at my new home starting August 17th (with NO mandatory "black out period").

I was ecstatic and - consequently - found no need to question company "A's" abrupt change in policy (I was afraid they would change their mind if I did)!

I explained to the representative that I needed to do some work on the place before I moved in, and that I had scheduled the electrician for the morning of the 18th. I asked her if she thought I should cancel the electrical just in case the electricity wasn't on yet. She told me that I didn't need to worry. The power would be on by the 18th (her exact words were that the power would be on "sometime between 8 AM and 5 PM on the 17th of August").

That was good enough for me, so the process continued.

Today, when you open an account over the phone, you must have your voice recorded while agreeing to the "terms of service". We had to do this twice because - during the part where she asked me if I understood that my service would be on "BY the 18th" - I asked again if that meant that the power would be on BY the morning of the 18th (because I had workers scheduled to arrive at 8:30 AM). She said "yes" and informed me that she'd have to start the recording process over (because I'd messed it up by asking a question).

After we finished up with the second recording, the representative from company "A" repeated everything back to me (my account number, service initiation date, etc.). Everything seemed to be in order, but just to make sure I asked one more time about the workers coming on the morning of the 18th. The representative assured me - once again - that the power would be on sometime between 8 AM and 5 PM the day before.

"Are you sure," I ask one last time?

"Yes, ma'am. Your electricity will be on BY the morning of the 18th unless, of course, it rains."

"What do you mean by 'rain,'" I inquired (this was the first time I'd heard a reason why the power might not be on by the morning of the 18th)?

"Water falling from the sky, ma'am."

"Yes. I know what 'rain' means, thank you. So, I won't have power between 8 AM and 5 PM on the 17th if...what? If it is thunder-storming? If we are under a tornado warning? If it is just really, really humid outside?! What degree of 'rain' are we talking about here?"

"Ma'am, don't worry. We are only supposed to say that in case there is some kind of natural disaster where we are trying to repair large-scale power outages."

"Right. That makes since. So, the power should - most likely - be on by 8:30 on the morning of the 18th...?"

"Yes, ma'am."

So, we wrapped up our conversation and I hung up satisfied that - barring some kind of freak August storm-of-the-century kind of thing - I'd have power by 8:30 AM on August 18th. Thus, I went on with my business for the next couple of weeks and didn't think very much about the electricity issue (it was supposedly taken care of, after all).

That is until I discovered that the power wasn't on at my new place by 2 PM on August 17th. I remembered that it was supposed to be on somewhere between 8 AM and 5 PM, so I didn't panic. But - just to be safe - I decided to call company "A" and verify that the power would be on by 5 PM that afternoon. After all, I had workers coming the next morning and still had time to cancel before 5 PM if there had been a mix-up.

This was, apparently, my first BIG mistake.

The first time I called, company "A" claimed that they did not have me as a client AT ALL. This was alarming (to say the least), so I asked to speak to a supervisor. After waiting on hold for half an hour, I finally got one. He was able to verify that I was indeed a client, but did not have me scheduled to have my electricity turned on until August 22nd!

[GASP!!]

I told him that it was supposed to be on TODAY, and he told me that "was impossible". So, I asked to speak to his supervisor. After being on hold for another 15 minutes, I was mysteriously disconnected.

So, I called back and was disconnected again.

The third time, I was put on hold for twenty-five minutes before a lady came back on the line and told me that there was a possibility that they could get my power turned on if she sent an order down to the service department immediately. I told her that I'd like for her to do this (like NOW). She asked if I could hold while she called the service department. I said "Yes". I was on hold for 10 minutes before being disconnected yet again.

By the fourth call I was losing my patience. When the representative came on the line (I was - admittedly - a little short with her), I only briefly summarized my problem before asking to speak to her supervisor. She put me on hold. And (surprise, surprise) I was disconnected.

Call number five did not start out much better. I didn't even bother telling the representative why I was calling this time, though. I just immediately asked to speak to her supervisor. I was put on hold again, but - amazingly enough - this time I actually got a supervisor without being disconnected. I explained my problem to her, and she told me that she didn't think that there was anything that she could do. So, I asked to speak to her supervisor (and was put on hold again).

It was now going on 4:30 (4:22 PM to be exact).

At 4:45 PM, the lady who put me on hold came back on the line to ask if I was still there. I replied, "Yes". She thanked me for my patience and told me that I was "in queue" to speak to her supervisor. She assured me that it would only be a few more minutes.

At 4:55 PM, she came back on the line to tell me that her supervisor was still on the phone with another customer, but that I was next in line to speak with him.

At 5:04 PM, the supervisor's supervisor finally came on the line. I was furious, but tried to be polite (or, at least, civil). I explained to him my problem - starting with the electricity not being on yet (which was the initial reason for my phone call) and concluding with my experiences with his company over the course of the afternoon (I detailed to him all the people I had spoken to, how long I had been on hold, how many times I had been disconnected, etc.).

After I finished, he then - in an exasperated kind of way - asked me what I wanted him to do about it.

"Are you kidding me," I asked?

"No. Really, ma'am...what do you expect me to do about it?"

"Well, for starters I want you to turn on my power."

"Sorry. No-can-do."

"Uh, really...why not?!"

"Ma'am, it is after 5 PM. All of our service people have gone home already."

"How convenient for you," I snapped back (keep in mind, I was relatively pissed by now).

"Ma'am, I really don't know what you want me to do...?"

"[Interrupting]...I WANT you to get my power ON! Get it on by noon tomorrow, if you cannot uphold your end of the agreement by getting it on TODAY!"

"Ma'am, we never promised that we'd get your service on today."

"Yes, you did. I made sure of it. I have the electrician coming tomorrow morning at 8:30. Do you think that I would schedule an electrician to come to the house if I wasn't sure that the power would be on by then?"

"Ma'am, I don't know why you scheduled the electrician for tomorrow."

"I scheduled the electrician for tomorrow because your company's representative told me two weeks ago that - unless it rained - my power would be on BY the 18th. I even asked if I should reschedule the electrician and your company's representative said "no" because my power would be on long before he got to the house that morning."

"Ma'am, you agreed to have the power on by the 18th, is that correct?"

"Yes!"

"Well, then we are not in violation of anything by not having it on today. This is your misunderstanding. Not ours."

"What are you talking about?!"

"We agreed to have your power on BY the 18th, which means that you should have power tomorrow sometime between 8 AM and 5 PM."

"No. I didn't want the power switched-on ON the 18th. I wanted the power turned on BY the 18th. There is a difference."

"No, ma'am. There is not a difference. 'ON' and 'BY' mean the same thing."

"No! No, they don't! 'ON' means 'ON the 18th' and 'BY' means 'BEFORE the 18th'!"

"Well, you obviously do not have a good grasp of the English language, then."

"Excuse me?! Are YOU really going to sit there and tell me that the words 'ON' and 'BY' mean the SAME thing? Are you KIDDING me?!"

"Well, ma'am I'm fluent in English and I don't understand the difference between the two words. They essentially mean the same thing. The way I see it, you're really at fault here for not being clearer with us about when you wanted your lights to come on. Plus, nothing you say at this point is going to change anything. Your power is going to come on tomorrow. To-morrow. What is the problem with waiting just one more day?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is. I scheduled workers for tomorrow morning. The workers need electricity, because they are ELECTRICIANS. Now, thanks to YOUR company, there won't be any. I've been on hold with you people for going on four hours now. One lady even told me that she could get it on TODAY before we got disconnected! And now it is after five, which you so brilliantly pointed out to me. It is too late to call the electrician and cancel him, so I'm going to have to pay him to do nothing when he shows up at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning. I'm going to be out of money for NOTHING all because your company cannot turn on the electricity when you said you would!"

"Ma'am, again - what do you want me to do about it? Do you want me to call down to the service department and get them to put a special order in to get your electricity turned on first thing tomorrow? Would that make you happy?"

"YES!!! At least then the electrician would be DOING something tomorrow while I'm paying him!"

"Fine. However, I'm not promising anything. I'm just saying that I'll put IN a request."

[Long pause. I could hear him typing.]

"Ma'am?"

"Yes. I'm still here."

"Okay. That'll be $89.99."

"W H A T ??!!"

"Well, that is what it costs when you make LAST minute service changes like this."

"Are you KIDDING? You want ME to pay YOU $90 to type an email to the service department and strongly recommend that they turn on my power first thing tomorrow morning?!"

"Ma'am, it is ALL that I can do. Take it or leave it."

"$90! $90! For NO guarantees?! Really?! You must be kidding me! Does it go right into your personal checking account or something?"

"Ma'am, you can take it or leave it."

"No, thank you!"

"Fine. Then it is settled. Your power will be on tomorrow between 8 AM and 5 PM."

"apparent-ly."

"Unless, of course, it rains and then it will be on sometime between the 18th and the 24th..."

That was the point where I hung up. There was just no point in continuing the conversation.

So, yeah...that WAS fun. A regular barrel of freakin' monkeys, if you ask me.

Just in case you were wondering, my power did come on the next day...It didn't come on until after 4 PM, but it did come on.

I half expected that tool-of-a-supervisor to cancel my order or something juvenile like that. What a jerk! I wonder if anyone has ever been stupid enough to pay the $90 to have him email someone in the service department - with no guarantees!

...Crackjass!