Pick-Me-Up...

The following are forwards about pets that I have received recently. Stupid or not, they completely crack me up, so I’m posting them here. That way I can view them when I need a pick-me-up (which nowadays is every five minutes or so).

FORWARD NUMBER 1: Dog and Cat Diaries

DOG DIARY
(NOTE: Think Gypsy Kitty)

• 8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!


• 9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!


• 9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!


• 10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!


• 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!


• 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!


• 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!


• 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!


• 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!


• 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite
  thing!


• 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY
(NOTE: Think Tinkerbell)

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

B *& @#$@ !

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now.

***

FORWARD NUMBER 2: Cats and Dogs

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food (Haskell) does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack (Alley Cat). Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom (Gypsy Kitty). If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.


2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur’-niture.


3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less


2. Don't ask for money all the time


3. Are easier to train


4. Normally come when called


5. Never ask to drive the car


6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends


7. Don't smoke or drink


8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions


9. Don't want to wear your clothes


10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...


11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children