When doing "work" is too much "work"...

From: Deals
Sent: Thursday, February 21, 2008 4:22 PM
To: Tracy
Cc: Melissa
Subject: About Lucy...

Dear Tracy,

I am writing you today to express my concerns about Lucy the Cow. She seems depressed, underappreciated and understandably bitter. After all, Miss Lucy has been stuck in the back of the park with the wooly yard art, while the two jackasses, Nip and Tuck, enjoy all the lime light and stardom up front. It just isn’t fair. Lucy is better than the donkeys. Everyone knows that.

I really feel like Lucy deserves to be kept indoors. In private quarters (nothing less than 1500 square feet is acceptable) with a private “mucking boy” available day and night so Miss Lucy is not forced to stand in her own filth. Ideally, Lucy’s bungalow will be accommodated with a parlor room stocked with plenty of tea and crumpets for members of her adoring fan club, like myself. After all, calling on my favorite bovine in weather like today is both uncivilized and uncomfortable. And yet you subject poor Lucy to this day and night. For shame!

If she must go outside, she needs some sort of blanket that she can wrap herself in so she doesn’t catch a chill. Preferably, this will made using some sort of pink, floral print, but we are willing to consider other fabric patterns as well – especially tartan. The blanket should obviously be top of the line and be designed with her special dimensions in mind. It should utilize the latest in Waterproof Barrier Technology, plus have a removable neck cover for those bitterly cold Texas mornings. Other things to consider: a 1000 denier outer shell lined in coat-smoothing nylon and Front Leg Arches for a contoured fit (we cannot have our lady looking too bulky now can we?).

In the summer, Miss Lucy requests fly masks to protect her eyes and ears from buzzing pests. Especially if she has to go anywhere near the other “animals”. Donkeys, chickens and sheep are notorious for being infested with flies, ticks and fleas.

As for her diet (which currently leaves a lot to be desired), we would really like to see Lucy’s chef prepare more meals that include the following organic ingredients: Corn (preferably steam rolled), oats, barley, and sometimes milo and wheat combined with soybean meal (which sounds much more appetizing than cottonseed meal. Ew.). Lucy will also consider linseed meal, canola meal and sunflower meal, but not corn gluten feed or corn gluten meal. After all, the word “gluten” is not a word we want affiliated with our favorite bovine. On occasion (or if she has a craving) Alfalfa meal is acceptable as a protein source but NEVER alfalfa pellets. Miss Lucy eats nothing described as “pellet”.

Obviously, some extra vitamins and minerals should also be added to her meals to ensure her good looks for years to come. A good A-D-E complex should suffice in addition to some calcium, phosphorus, potassium and magnesium.

Miss Lucy also requires at least four to five pounds of hay a day. Preferably, the hay will incorporate some alfalfa, but not too much since it may cause diarrhea in large quantities (something Lucy wishes to avoid at all costs as it is messy). Top quality grass hay is a good choice with or without the alfalfa blended into it. Wheat bran (if shredded) may also be considered in a pinch.

For dessert, Lucy would like Mrs. Blume to get into the habit of baking a tray or two of molasses cookies for her every evening. This might sound negotiable, but it is not. What Lucy wants, Lucy should get. Mrs. Blume will understand.

Also, Lucy is quite upset about the state of her current water bowl. As it stands now, poor Lucy has to share fowl tasting tap water with a punch of dirty, old sheep. These baaing nuisances have been known to regularly spit and/or drool in the bucket and make the water so disgusting Lucy can barely choke it down. She only drinks it because she has to, but – believe me – Lucy is constantly teetering on the brink of extreme dehydration. To correct this injustice, please provide Lucy with slightly warmed water in the winter and chilled (not icy) in the summer. Water should be imported from the French Alps (Evian in bottled form will suffice) and should be delicately poured into Lucy’s new porcelain water bowl inside her brand new, five-star, roomy bovine suite.

Biweekly massages are a must, as Lucy experiences a lot of work-related stress and discomfort. She is also interested in getting the occasional manicure and polish for her four perfectly shaped hooves. Also, Lucy is not opposed to wearing jewelry, flowers, tiaras or beaded crowns. If it Elsie over at Borden gets to wear one, so should Lucy. She also enjoys the soothing comforts of live classical music. I hear Melissa has a contact over at the Dallas Symphony. Maybe something can be arranged? I hope so. For Lucy’s sake.

I will be out to visit Lucy again very soon. I trust all this will be in place by then.

Thank you,
Lucy’s Number One Fan

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From: Tracy
Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 2:32 PM
To: Deals
Cc: Melissa
Subject: RE: About Lucy...


To my dearest fan,

I apologize for the lateness of my reply, however when I got word of your lovely concern towards myself, I could not help but to respond to your concerns myself. It took a while to find someone willing to translate my words onto this strange electronic media however (something about needing ten fingers instead of two hooves).
While I whole heartedly agree with most of your points, I do wish to assure you that I am a cow of the people. I was born a humble Southern calf, and I will die a humble Southern heifer. As a dedicated living history professional I understand that there are sacrifices to be laid at the altar of authenticity. My adoring public expect certain things when visiting a facility such as ours and while I am deeply disturbed by my accommodations I do my very best every day to make the very best of these circumstances, I am a professional after all.
I would like to take the time to clear up one thing from your generally lovely letter, that being your characterizations of Nip and Tuck. These noble and, quite honestly, handsome devils are actually quite lovely gentlemen. I would never attempt to alienate their affections by characterizing them as “jackasses”. I do believe that my proper place is with them as opposed to being housed with much smaller animals, but I do believe the pejorative is unnecessary.
I would like to assure you that I am working on convincing Tracy’s roommate to create proper garments for myself while the public is not at the museum. She has agreed to make an appropriate haute couture outfit just as soon as she possibly can fit it into her schedule. I have included a picture of myself, showing that in the meantime, I must make the plaid work. The boots are nice, and the hat is a joy! Thank you for looking out for me!
Yours ever more;
Lucy

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From: Deals
Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 4:30 PM
To: Tracy
Cc: Melissa
Subject: RE: About Lucy...


Dear “Not Lucy” –

Don’t try to pretend any longer. I know you are not Lucy the Cow. My guess is that you are either Nip or Tuck (or a member of their pseudo-religious donkey cult). You gave yourself away when you described Nip and Tuck so favorably. Miss Lucy has made her opinion of the donkeys more than obvious (on multiple occasions) and would never describe either one of them as “noble” or “gentlemen” (much less “handsome”. Ew.).

As for the pejorative you deem so unnecessary. I do believe the term “jackass” is appropriate in the context of describing two male (jack) donkeys (asses). It isn’t MY fault the donkey is a member of the E. Asinus species. Whereas the noble cow is a member of the B. Taurus species - just like the astrological sign in the sky. Even the Greek God Zeus took bull form in order to win sweet Europa. You don’t hear such magnificent tales being told about the common ass now, do you? And, no. “Donkey” on Shrek does not count.

So, be gone with yourself, evil email Lucy imposter!

I’ve included one of my favorite images of Miss Lucy on our recent trip to the Swiss Alps. Please make she my lady gets a framed copy.

Thank you,
Lucy’s Number One Fan

********

From: Melissa
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 11:39 AM
To: Deals
Subject: for your wallpaper


Thought you might need this as computer wallpaper. . .

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From: Deals
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 11:39 AM
To: Melissa
Subject: RE: for your wallpaper

That is SO NOT a flattering picture of my lady!

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(Stay tuned. I'm sure this saga will continue...)