Friday, August 17, 2012

An email conversation between two 2012 babies...

Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2012 14:28:26 -0500
Subject: To Banner
From: Amber
To: Deals
CC: Melissa

Hi Banner,
You're right!  Daycare is cool.  I've got my own chair, and they give me all the milk I want!  I just can't figure out how all of the other babies move around.   You're going to have to explain that to me.  No one here seems to understand when I ask.
Nathan


On Wed, Aug 15, 2012 at 11:56 AM, Deals wrote:

Yo, Nathan -

Don't worry.  You will get the hang of it.  I had the sticker of shame on my crib for WEEKS that let everyone know that I wasn't rolling over yet.  Like it wasn't bad enough that I wasn't mobile - they had to go and draw attention to it!  It just wasn’t right.  But once I got the rolling around thing down, nothing can stop me and I am in to EVERYTHING.  And now I refuse to nap.  Take that, teachers!

Yesterday, I was involved in an altercation at school, and they called my mom.  Soooooo embarrassing.  The teachers refuse to tell mom who beat me up and scratched my head, and I’m not so fluent with the whole English language thing so I’m more or less sworn to secrecy by default.  Mom is pretty sure one of the girls did it.  I just hope she doesn’t tell dad or spread it around, because I have a reputation to uphold.    

Hope all is well and that the mobility fairy visits your crib soon!

Peace,
Banner


Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2012 08:20:27 -0500
Subject: Re: To Banner
From: Amber
To: Deals

Hey Banner,
Don't worry about that altercation, thing.  I was talking with my older cousin on Facetime yesterday and she told me things like that just earn you street cred.  That's important stuff for the toddler room.  She knows all about it; she's almost two.

I don't know about skipping naps at school.  I've figured out that I'm not going to see my mom or dad much at daycare, so if I sleep there, then I can stay up with my mom all night. 
Nathan



From: Deals
To: Amber
Subject: RE: To Banner
Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2012 16:29:42 -0500

Dude, Nathan, things are so much more interesting during the day.  Plus, mom tends to overreact when I wake up too much during the night.  Granted, she's usually right to be concerned, but going to the doctor generally means that I miss out on playing with all my favorite toys at school.  And, well, I don't have time for that kind of nonsense.  

Although, they do have an endless supply of paper at the doctor and mom keeps accidentally referring to the pediatrician as "the vet" (which makes her turn all red and stutter) so maybe, on second thought, it isn't all bad.

Capping a banner week, I projectile vomited all over my teacher yesterday and got expelled from school for 24 hours.  Which is fabulous since I was completely faking and now get to hang out all day with my really cool babysitter that gets paid more hourly than my mother does. But it is all good because the parentals are taking me on something called a "vacation to Colorado" this weekend, which means I don't have to see Emma (who beat me up on Tuesday and then told all the other babies about it) until after Labor Day.  And for the record, just because Emma is half my size and can only roll one way doesn't mean she can't mount a sneak attack from behind.  Because that is totally what happened.

(I don't know much about street cred, but I'm pretty sure I have a negative amount at this point.  My reputation is at the bottom of the Diaper Genie.  Maybe Colorado will help me win my man card back?  Ask your cousin for me.  Sounds like she's an expert.)

At the very least, the two weeks will give the wound I received in said altercation with Emma a chance to heal and disappear.  Because nothing says "I got beat up by a tiny, immobile baby girl" like a scratch on the forehead.  It is a badge of shame.  My own personal scarlet letter right there on my face.  Take my word for it and watch out for the ladies, my friend.  They look all sweet and cute in their pink ruffles, flower prints and bloomer diaper covers, but they will cut you without warning.  I am pretty sure it is a conspiracy.

Peace out,
The Ban Man 

3 comments:

Melissa said...

I have a feeling that if these two boys lived in the same town, they would get in a lot of trouble together.

This is my life so far said...

Love this!!!!! Soooo funny! I think that is exactly what they are thinking :)

Merideth said...

HILARIOUS! Love this!