Thursday, December 15, 2011

Trevor says pregnancy isn't an exact science, but I've decided my doctor's office is full of crackheads...

Lord. My doctor's office.

If you are keeping track, you may remember that my doctor is in Hawaii, and I got to see a different doctor in the practice this afternoon.

After waiting AN HOUR, I finally got to meet Dr. H who - I kid you not - walked into the exam room (where I was waiting pantless and covered with a glorified paper towel) and said:

"Hi. I am Dr. H. How can I be of cervix?"

And, well, it went downhill from there. Mainly because I thought he accidentally misspoke and he had to explain to me that it was a joke. Which created unnecessary awkwardness in an already awkward situation with a strange man who was moments away from probing me.

Then, he asked me how I was doing with my kick count, and I told him the same thing I tell my doctor every week: That my kid falls asleep after every meal (which apparently isn't typical) and that he seems to be less active lately.

None of this seems to worry my regular doctor (hey, the kiddo is running out of room in there), but it sent Dr. Cervix into a panic. Which is how I got a completely unexpected (and probably unnecessary) sonogram. But more on that later.

After more or less freaking me out about the health and activity level of my unborn child, Dr. H did the internal exam. Last week, according to my chart, I was dilated 2 cm. But, today, Dr. H declared my cervix to be completely closed. Which is fabulous since that means I am actually progressing backwards. Yet, again.

The nurse said it is the difference in fingers. Which makes me think that there should be some sort of standard for measuring this sort of thing other than the width of whoever's fingers happen to be doing the internal exam.

But maybe that is just me.

Dr. H also felt my abdomen and guesstimated that the kiddo weighs at least 7.5 pounds. Which is much better than my regular doctor's estimates of some sort of mammoth baby.

Then the doctor cut the examination short so I could be worked in on the sonogram tech's schedule. Normally, this would have been fine except he forgot to measure and listen for the baby's heartbeat. So, other than the fact that I am progressing backwards, I don't have a lot of stats to share this week.


The sonogram tech, who - to be fair - hadn't seen me since August, was surprised when she looked inside and saw a full term baby. Apparently, she thought I was only a few months along and commented on my lack of a substantial belly this late in pregnancy. Because, you know, I've never heard that before! Maybe it was because I was wearing a sweatshirt?

The sonogram took forever, but it was nice to see el nino (yes, he is still a boy!) and learn that everything is A-OK. In fact, he scored an eight out of eight on all the tests they do if you get a sonogram this late in pregnancy. The amniotic fluid levels are great, the heartbeat is strong and rhythmic and - better yet - Thor is practicing breathing in and out just like he is supposed to and the little booger fights back when provoked. He is also, as the sonogram tech described, "exceptionally lazy". It took her nearly fifteen minutes to rouse the little guy, and even then he kept trying to roll over and go back to sleep. Then he started to punch back and shake his little fists in front of his face like a boxer when she continued to poke him with the sonogram wand thingy.

My kid doesn't wake up well. Wonder where he gets that from?

(Shut up, Trevor!)

He was seriously pissed to be awake, which I hope means that Thor will be a good sleeper once he decides to hang with us on the outside. The bad news is that all signs point to the fact that he may throw a wall eyed fit and come out swinging when unnecessarily roused from dreamland. I guess Trevor and I should remember to always let this sleeping baby lie.

In addition to being exceptionally lazy, Thor appears to be very comfortable inside Hotel Uterus and is showing very little motivation to move south or otherwise make an exit.

The only strange thing was that the sonogram tech estimated his weight to be in the six and a half pound range. Which is a pound less than Dr. H's guess and nearly two off from my regular doctor. Not that it really matters. After all, Trevor was only six pounds, four ounces at birth and a smaller baby seems like it would be much easier to squeeze out when the time comes. It is just weird to me that there is such a range.

Just like, say, my due date.

Speaking of which, Dr. H told me that my regular doctor is a notoriously bad due date estimator, and rolled his eyes knowingly when I told him that I have had three over the course of my pregnancy. He offered this as a case in point: When my doctor left for Hawaii he told those who would be filling in for him that he expected ONLY ONE of his patients to go into labor while he was away. Except almost all of his term patients have delivered since he left. The nurses actually joked with me that I might be the only one who hasn't, which...well, just figures.

(I later found out that there was another patient who, like me, who hadn't delivered. Except when they examined her this afternoon, it was discovered that she was actually in labor and they sent her across the street to Baylor. No such luck for me. Because my baby is apparently all cozy, unmotivated and...well, "exceptionally lazy".)

Dr. H actually thinks I will be pregnant this time next week (sigh), but doesn't think I will make it much beyond that. Apparently, my groin pain and whatnot are all signs that my body is starting the eviction process even if the kiddo isn't necessarily cooperating.

In other words, I could actually be carrying a Christmas baby.

I'd believe him except I've come to the conclusion that no one in my doctor's office really knows anything. At least nothing consistent anyway.

Part of me is resigned to the fact that it will happen when it happens, and the other part of me has decided I will be pregnant forever. Especially since TODAY was one of my three due dates.

Speaking of which, my aunt has taken all three of my due dates and averaged them together. Her money is now on the 24th.

Feel free to leave your guesses below. I have it on good authority that the kiddo WILL actually be born at one point of time or another. Maybe.


RR said...

"exceptionally lazy," ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

I don't know why, but that seems really, really funny to me. Hee.

Melissa said...

If all goes as planned, I'll finish the lampshade tomorrow. I'm sure that's what he's been waiting for.

My apologies for taking so long. ..