Lately...

It has been awhile since I made a list, but it seems appropriate now that I don't feel very good and I am completely over this whole pregnancy thing.

In other words, forgive me. Pregnancy has made me lazy. A possibly a little bitter. At least at the moment.

The following list of fifty observations and happenings is in no particular order:

1. My linea negra is both crooked and off center. I find this annoying. Almost as if it is mocking me.



2. My belly button is still an innie. It is rather shallow now, however. And if I roll it just right I can get it to pop out. Trevor described it to my sister as "looking like a water weenie", which is just plain wrong.



3. The first time I rolled by belly button out, it was just as dirty as I had feared. I am not ashamed to admit that I spent almost an hour cleaning and otherwise exploring its depths.



4. I've already told this story once, but I do not think I did a very good job the first time around (seeing as though I left out an important part of the story). Take two: Trevor got himself uninvited to the birth of his first born by informing me oh-so matter of factly that I am not allowed to ride in his new car if my water breaks. He later amended this statement by saying that I could ride in The Lexus, but only if I sat on a trash bag. When this elicited a scowl from me, Trevor dug the hole even deeper by stating, "Or, you know, we could just take your car".
   
   He still thinks I am overreacting.



5. Speaking of Trevor, he has been the primary nester in the family. He loves nothing more than to work on the nursery. I've never seen anyone so excited to be a father before. All the books and websites keep mentioning that first time dads start to get nervous around this stage in the pregnancy. Not Trevor, though. When I asked him outright if he was getting scared about being a father, he just looked at me and said, "No! Not at all! Why? Are you?"
   
   (Yes)



6. I still haven't packed my hospital bag. This is driving my husband crazy. He has even tried to jump start the process by moving my overnight bag into our bedroom and sticking things in it that he thinks I might need (breast pads and nursing bras. He is apparently very concerned that I might leak. Oh, and the Christmas socks with glitter that Gran gave me last year. You know, the important stuff). Since I've decided that I'll be in labor FOR HOURS, I keep thinking that I'll have plenty of time to pack once I realize labor has begun. Trevor doesn't agree that this is a good plan. It probably isn't, but the more or less empty bag will probably sit in the corner of our bedroom until the eleventh hour. I'm stubborn that way.



7. Gypsy has started to spend her days lounging on the rug in the nursery. She's never shown much interest in the room before, so I think she knows what is coming and is excited about it. Haskell, on the other hand, will sit in the hallway - paws literally on the nursery's threshold - and stare into the room for minutes at a time in silent contemplation.
   
   And Alley? Well, she's shown little or no interest in the room, but has suddenly decided that her role in life is to rip the fluff out of all of Gypsy's favorite toys. "Mad Cow" no longer has a squeaker and "Pink Piggie" may need a stuffing transfusion.



8. I. Can't. Breathe.



9. Last week I burned 2979 prepregnancy calories. About 700 of these were at the gym. The rest were from bathing the dogs and cleaning the house. So far, I've been working out three times a week (on average), and during at least ONE of these workouts I burn 1000+ calories before I leave the gym.



10. And, yet, I've officially gained 30 pounds. I hate the world.



11. My ankles continue to swell after a long day on my feet. Because of this, my doctor has asked that I restrict my sodium intake and avoid Asian and Mexican food. Which, as far as I am concerned, is pretty much the end of the world. All major food groups are now stricken from my diet: Chocolate, Caffeine and Salt.
    
    (And, yes, I realize that none of those are actual food groups. And, no, I am not very good at following doctor's orders.)



12. My doctor is going to Hawaii at the end of next week. Which is fabulous since the full moon is on the tenth, and I'm pretty sure that I'll go into labor the second he steps on a plane and turns off his pager.



13. As of Wednesday, I am 50% effaced and a fingertip dilated.



14. My doctor commented on my lack of a belly at my appointment this week, which he finds funny since I am still measuring large and ahead of schedule.



15. Speaking of which, I had to tell someone TODAY that I was pregnant. AND HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME. Honestly, I thought this would all be a little more obvious by my ninth month. Especially considering I FEEL approximately the size of a house.



16. I've been craving pomegranates and pickles. No, not at the same time, but they both taste fabulous to me at the moment. This is much, much better than my first pregnancy craving back in June: Ketchup (that one was seriously disgusting. Food was just a vehicle to get the ketchup in my mouth. I could have DRANK the stuff. Yes, seriously). And much more agreeable to other recent cravings for foods that I don't normally like (i.e. chicken salad), which, ew.
    
    Oh, and I can't seem to get enough of cheese lately. MMMmmmmm...cheese. But I've always been fond of cheese, so this is more of an observation than anything else.



17. I've been suddenly preoccupied with keeping the baby warm when he arrives. Oh, and my subconscious is really worried that Thor will come out a girl. Not that a girl is a bad thing. It is just that the nursery has a whole lot of blue in it at the moment.



18. I can't remember the last time I had a really good night's sleep. I'm guessing this is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.



19. This late in the game, it seems a little all or nothing when it comes to pooping.



20. We've taken two prenatal classes. The first one was on Baby Basics where we learned, well...the basics (swaddling, bathing, changing diapers, etc.). The second was Baby CPR and the Heimlich for infants. No lamaze, but not for any good reason other than the fact that the classes were late at night and I get tired around nine.



21. Going to the doctor every week is a little tedious. And all the good appointment times are taken.



22. Oh, how I miss wine.



23. Trevor managed to maim himself and draw blood while installing the car seat in the back of my car. And, no. I still have no idea how to get the blasted thing off of its base.



24. The car seat installation went so poorly in my car that Trevor has now decided to have the Lexus dealership install the other base in his car. But he seems in no hurry to have this done. I think it is all a ploy to force us to take MY car when I go into labor (see #4). Which shouldn't matter since, again, he is uninvited from the birth.



25. I only have one more week of working full time to go. Technically, I could be off for the entire month of December and still not have my maternity leave kick in until January 1 (which is the plan since my day care can't take Thor until late March/early April). If the baby hasn't come by then, though, the plan is to continue working half time. At this point it seems best to avoid boredom. Plus, being a Department of ONE means there are lots of loose ends - even if I have been training a part time person to oversee everything in my absence. Guess it is hard for me to effectively outsource when I've never had help before.



26. I think our pediatrician kind of looks like a smurf. Especially when he wears blue scrubs.



27. I am so sick of the constant back pain. Sciatica is no joke. It is getting harder and harder to tolerate without tears.



28. Ever since my doctor told me to avoid chocolate, that is all I've wanted. I think I've eaten more chocolate in the past ten days than I've had during my entire pregnancy.



29. Sunday was our last day to teach Sunday School before taking a leave of absence this spring to figure out the whole parenting thing. If you had asked me if I thought the kids in the class were getting anything out of our lessons BEFORE last Sunday's class, I would have dubiously said maybe. But we quizzed them before class last week and - I kid you not - the little boogers have been paying attention! I was shocked! Maybe we have been making an impression and the kids have been learning more than, you know, the whole Jesus/zombie thing.



30. My cousin-by-marriage is also pregnant and due in May. At Thanksgiving she made the comment that she was already bigger than me and she was only 3.5 months. I didn't believe it until she pulled her maxi dress taut around her middle, and well...I was so shocked that I may have laughed out loud. I honestly didn't mean to be a complete a$$. I was just amazed at her obvious roundness - especially in comparison to my fat rolls.
    
    (Yeah. Whatever. I am such an a$$.)



31. It is officially difficult to do simple things like bend over, tie my shoes and shave my legs.



32. Little things leave me winded. Like sitting up. Or getting off the couch.



33. I may have bought Thor two different Syracuse onsies just in time for college basketball season. Trevor responded by having a bunch of Red Raider gear shipped to our house. This might get ugly.



See?!


34. I've written over 85 thank you notes for baby gifts. We have the most generous friends and family!



35. I randomly panic. I think it has something to do with the position I am in at the time. Maybe it is causing fetal distress? Or maybe it has something to do with my heart and body? All I know is that all of the sudden, I have to move. I have to escape. It is terrible and sometimes it is all I can do to compose myself like a normal human being and shift positions. The easiest way to relieve it is to simply sit or stand up. Once I do, the sensation goes away almost instantaneously. Isn't pregnancy fun?



36. I didn't think it was possible, but my boobs might be getting bigger again. Either that or my bras have start to shrink in the washer...



37. Trevor says I am in an exceptionally good mood all the time now. That is just because I can't remember why I am so stressed out.



38. I am perpetually hot. Trevor, for the first time since he met me, is cold. Welcome to my (usual pre pregnancy) world Trevor.



39. Trevor has been consistently more interested and opinionated as it pertains to the nursery than I have ever been. No one believes me, though, until they try to make suggestions. He is a man with a vision.



40. Advanced pregnancy means a lot of gas and acid reflux. As if I wasn't sexy enough with my cankles and unshaven legs.



41. Pregnancy also means random skin tags. I may or may not have found one in my navel that might have hypothetically been removed by force with tweezers because I thought it was caked on dirt from thirty something years ago.



42. I cannot wait to get up to pee in the middle of night without having to hold on to the bedpost for support. I learned the hard way that sciatica means sometimes your upper body moves and your lower body doesn't get the message. This makes walking challenging.



43. Speaking of pee: I think I got up fourteen times last night. Not cool, Thor. Not cool.



44. I've never been graceful, but my clumsiness recently is just plain embarrassing. I tripped over nothing today. NOTHING.



45. Despite my lack of a hugely distended belly, I've had to recline my seat more and more to be able to breathe while driving. I feel like a pimp.



46. I took a sip of Trevor's beer recently and ohmygoodness was it ever delicious. Which is super odd because, much like chicken salad, beer has never tasted anything but disgusting to me. Thor has hijacked my taste buds.



47. Thor really hates my ribs. I am sort of surprised I don't have bruises up and down my sides. One rib almost feels like it is poking out a little. Not a big fan. Plus, it is on my left side, which USED TO BE the most comfortable position in which to sleep. Figures.



48. The kiddo has been in position for weeks now (head down, butt up). More recently he likes to roll so I can feel his spine just above my navel. When he is turned this way my tummy is rock hard.



49. I feel bad for people who see me eat when I am really hungry. That can't be pretty.



50. I miss having sweaters that don't fit like mid ruff mini tees in my closet. Especially now that it is more consistently chilly here in North Texas.

I am sure there are many, many things that I am leaving off this list, but (again) my memory isn't what it used to be.

TGIF, everyone!