In any event, I am going to try to do it justice.
Last week, Carol randomly approached Nora and asked her if she collected anything. Nora hesitated before mentioning that she does, in fact, collect vases.
Now, while it is true that Nora does indeed collect vases, she hardly ever talks about or mentions it. This is mainly to dissuade well intending friends and family from trying to buy her new vases for her collection. It isn’t that she is ungrateful. She is just a serious collector and knows what she likes. Mainly: antique vases from a specific era, odd examples of colored glass from the 20th century and a very particular form of Venetian hand-blown glass from Italy.
Her sister, Susan, actually tried to buy Nora an antique vase several years ago for Christmas, and spent a fair amount of money selecting one that she thought Nora would not only like but would also fit in with her collection.
Unfortunately, Susan missed on both accounts. The vase in question didn't fit in with the other vases in the collection at all, and…well, according to Nora, it looks like it has three overlapping penises going up the stem. This isn’t quite the kind of vase she’d ever gravitate towards (much less purchase).
Consequently, the “Penis Vase” has become a little bit of an inside joke between the two sisters, and - as a result - Nora has it displayed somewhat prominently in her kitchen.
But back to Carol.
Nora took the time to explain the size and scope of her collection to Carol, as well as the reasons why she doesn’t like to talk about it more to deter more sweet, but completely unnecessary purchases on her behalf. Carol seemed to understand, and the day went on like usual.
The next morning, Carol approached Nora with an excited, “I’ve got something new for your collection!” And handed her this:
That’s right. A $2.50 plastic, collapsible vase from a party store.
Nora was livid.
See, Carol is well intentioned, but the idea of giving a plastic, collapsible vase to Nora as a practical joke would never occur to her. Hence, she actually MEANT for it to be added to Nora’s collection.
Therefore, you have to assume that Carol listened to Nora describe in great detail the types of vases she collects and the thousands of dollars she has spent over the decades purchasing them, and STILL came to the conclusion that the perfect addition to Nora’s collection was a cheap, plastic, collapsible vase.
I, for one, found the whole situation so utterly ridiculous that I was doubled over with laughter.
It took a few more hours for Nora to appreciate the humor in the situation, but we’ve now decided the plastic vase is the new benchmark for Carol-related gifts and presents.
Yesterday, Carol asked me if Trevor and I had decided on a theme for our nursery, and offered to buy me a $15 maternity top that had the words, “Welcome to my womb”, bedazzled in jewels and glitter all over the front.
While Carol just might be channeling Trevor’s Gran, it still comes nowhere near THE BENCHMARK set by the plastic, collapsible vase.
Nora thinks I should mention to Carol that I collect silver napkin rings from Neimans just to see what happens...
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